Stella is not afraid of the dark

Branches scrape against the window casting long shadows across the dimly lit room. A stark contrast to the yellowing bunny night light that resides in the corner. But any warmth that might have come from the familiar object is swiftly blown away by the winds’ chill that seeps in through every wall. Far more terrifying to Stella than branches and wind is the complete darkness that blankets the world around her. Everything is louder in the dark- the ticking of the grandfather clock, the rustle of blankets, and the creaking ceiling above her bed. Her racing heartbeat is the loudest of them all as she squeezes her eyes and waits until seemingly unattainable sleep finally overtakes her. 

Stella is awakened in the darkness by a particularly loud creak. As her eyes come into focus, the white numbers on her clock condescendingly tell her it is only 3:47am. She slept for twenty minutes. Fantastic. The anxiety that only comes at night slithered up her spine before she could fight it. But Stella was never much of a fighter in the first place. She couldn’t turn on the lamp, separated by a moat of inky shadows that the creatures under the bed inhabited. The only option left was to cling to the covers and close her eyes until morning, the darkness behind her lashes a familiar comfort. She breathed in and out. Inhale. Exhale. The grandfather clock echoed from the hallway. Tick. Tock. Every second in this personal hell one second closer to freedom. Simply waiting until dawn finally brushed away the tension that shook her muscles, reinstating goodness into her room once more.

The soft golden glow of the rising sun was accompanied by the beeping of Stella’s alarm announcing that it was finally 6:00am. Her arm bridged the gap between her bed and her table to silence the irritating noise and embarked on her morning routine. Her toothpaste tasted like chemicals and every article of clothing seemed to be just too big or just too small. She finished brushing her blonde hair into submission just as the scent of syrup and coffee made its way into her room. Her feet pounded against the wooden stairs as she hurried to the kitchen where her mom leaned against the sink, slowly sipping out of her gray mug. 

“How did you sleep, Stella?”

“Terribly. I always feel like someones watching me.” Stella put a pancake on her plate. 

“Did you take your melatonin?”

“Yeah but it doesn’t stop the feeling of being watched.”

“Just don’t think about it, sweetie.”

Easier said than done, Stella thought as she finished pouring the syrup in a cup before carefully placing it in the microwave. While she had never liked the dark, her fears had grown worse overtime. The darkness seemed out to get her in ways it never did before. Perhaps she is overreacting. Perhaps her moms right and she just needs a way to take her mind off of it. Maybe she just needs to face her fears and learn that it will be alright. Maybe- she was snapped out of her thoughts as the microwave angrily beeped at her to let her know her syrup was ready.

Thoughts of the night never left her mind for long. Not on the ride to school. Not in her physics class. Not in history. Not even in choir where the complex chords of Handel enveloped her ears. During lunch Stella only half listened as Marlee complained about her newest boyfriend and nodded absent-mindedly every so often. 

“Stella! Are you listening?”

“Sorry, yeah, my mind is just somewhere else today.”

“Should I give him a second chance?”

Stella paused for only a moment, realizing she did not have enough context to truthfully answer this question before saying, “He doesn’t deserve you.” This was good enough for Marlee and she continued her monologue.  

Stella arrived home in a sleep-deprived daze, barely having enough energy to kick off her shoes before dragging herself upstairs and throwing herself onto her bed. She put on her headphones to drown out the dreaded physics worksheet that seemed to call her name.  Her phone was brighter than necessary but Stella didn’t change it as she scrolled aimlessly through her social media, waiting in vain until she  finally felt mentally prepared enough to do some actual work. 

While scrolling, a video caught her eye titled ‘how to get over your fears in three minutes’. A woman in a bright yellow dress instructed her to say positive affirmations while facing her fear or to simply tell herself that she wasn’t scared. The woman said if you convince yourself that you are not afraid that whatever you are scared of, it can no longer have power over you. To Stella it seemed strange and unrealistic but decided to at least try it out when she went to bed later that night. Despite how silly the method seemed, she found that for the first time in a long time she wasn’t dreading nightfall. She wasn’t dreading when the sun dipped below the horizon and all that was left in the room was the glow of the bunny night light. She wasn’t dreading the inky shadows that gripped her soul, that took her captive. Stella is not afraid of the dark.

Stella is not afraid of the dark.

Stella is not afraid of the dark.

Stella is not afraid of the dark.

She repeated the mantra to herself as she laid in bed that night. She said it in time to the ticking of the grandfather clock. To the beat of her heart. She was a steady metronome, not a racing heart. And for the first time in a long time, Stella fell asleep. The bunny night light once again did its job and protected her from the monsters. For the first time Stella wasn’t afraid of the dark. 

Stella awoke to the beeping of her alarm clock at precisely 6:00am. The morning sun filtered through her curtains as if to say good job, Stella. Stella went through her morning routine at lightning speed and tied up her hair with a bow. Her toothpaste tasted better than normal. She didn’t get mascara on her eyelids. She felt good about her outfit. But most of all, Stella finally felt alive. Gone was the Stella who couldn’t sleep through the night. The Stella who couldn’t pay attention to her friends' conversations. Here was the Stella who listened to the morning birds chirping with a new appreciation. The Stella who noticed all the details she didn’t see before. Like the screw that had fallen off the vent above her bedroom. She paused, puzzled, wondering when the screw could have fallen out but decided not to think anything of it. She walked downstairs where her mom was toasting some frozen waffles.

“Good morning Stella, how did you sleep?”

“Good, I finally fell asleep last night.”

“I told you that if you just didn’t think about it it wouldn’t bother you.”

She was kind of right so Stella didn’t say anything more. She simply filled up her water bottle and slipped it in her backpack pocket. 

On the ride to school she saw how the yellow tulips were beginning their late April bloom, how the blossoms of her neighbor's magnolia tree painted the street below into a river of pink petals. Sunlight sparkled through the oaks, waving Stella goodbye. When she saw Marlee at school she told her how beautiful her neighborhood looked in the spring. In response, Marlee said she was talking to a new guy. Some things never change. 

Her physics teacher’s droning voice seemed to fade into the background as she drew on her paper. The flowers in the garden, the sun shining through her window, Marlee’s eyes and how they lit up when she talked about her latest boy. She found her pencil seemed to move without command, creating beauty in the midst of the equations. When she zoned back in she realized what she drew. She had added more to the drawing of her window. She drew the poster on her wall, her wooden desk, and the loose vent above her bedroom. Stella is not afraid of any vents. 

Stella went straight to the kitchen when she got home. She made a slow shuffle through the pantry and to the fridge, its cool metal and chilly air a strange sort of comfort. She opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a shiny red apple, and after checking it for bruises, deemed it good enough and took a bite. The exhaustion of a full day of school was finally setting in. Not even a good night of sleep could prevent the fatigue from sinking into her bones. Nobody else was home so the only sound was Stella’s socks on the stairs. She shut her door behind her and decided to pick up a book. After a few minutes of scanning her bookshelf she picked a fantasy novel about magic thieves as they broke into an ice palace, whisked away into a world of powers and found family. Time flew by as the sun dipped below the horizon, Stella only noticing once it became too dark to read. She wasn’t scared. She wouldn’t allow herself to be. Stella is not afraid of the dark. 

Stella laid under the covers, hoping for her luck to continue. It worked once, so why wouldn’t it work again? The swaying branches and creaking ceiling faded into the background as Stella repeated the mantra to herself, focusing her vision on the bunny night light. Stella is not afraid of the dark. Stella is not afraid of the dark. Stella is not afraid of the dark. Her heart once again beat in time to the grandfather clock. A peaceful metronome. Stella closed her eyes and let the calming waves of sleep overtake her. 

Golden light spilled onto Stella’s beeping alarm clock. 6:03am. One more night came and went without Stella waking up in fear, without laying in a cold sweat, too terrified to turn on the light. Too terrified to move. 6:04am and the alarm clock kept up its morning call, begging Stella to wake up and turn it off. But Stella didn’t wake up.

“Stella! Turn that off!” Stella’s mom grew irritated at the monotonous noise that seemed to echo off of every surface in the house. “Stella! I will come and turn that off myself, get up!” Her hard footsteps rushed up the stairs to Stella’s room, the doorknob turned and creaked. “Stella?”

Stella was still in bed. She hadn’t moved an inch since she fell asleep. She did not toss and turn that night. She did not even breathe. Stella was no longer scared of the dark. In fact, Stella would never be scared of anything again. Not the creaking ceiling or monsters under her bed, not her mothers screams that were heard by the next door neighbor. The screams that were louder than the knock on the door, louder than the sirens that blared outside their house ten minutes later, even louder than Stella’s heartbeat three nights ago. The heart that would never beat again. Stella was dead. Her blood stained the sheets and dripped from the night light. The blood that stained the open vent red. That stained the kitchen knife that was carefully placed over the stab wounds on Stella’s stomach. Stella was never scared of the dark. Not in ways that mattered. Not in ways of any importance. Stella was afraid of what waited in the dark. The things that watched and the creatures that smiled from their hiding places. But Stella wasn’t afraid anymore. Stella wasn’t anything anymore. And Stella would never be anything again.