Love Is A Blank Space

TW: Sexual Abuse, Substance Addiction

I walked through life carrying a person on my back. Every day since that day was a heavy, dark feeling in my chest. I had panic attacks, anxiety, and stress ever since the shadow people latched onto my back. ‘Why don’t you believe me?’ as I screamed and sobbed. I woke up from nightmares dripping in sweat. I’ve been smoking weed to soothe the pain. It worked. I never had to think about it while I felt at a high. I woke up to smoke weed, I had a panic attack and smoked weed, and every night before I went to sleep? I smoked the pain away. It was the last year of high school and as I walked towards the front entrance with my hoodie on and head down, I thought to myself ‘It’s the last year. Then I’m done.’

'Jacob! Come over here!' my friend shouted to me as I started to walk over.

I sat my books and backpack down as I started to get prepared for class. School has been in session for about two weeks now. As our biology teacher started to go over our daily agenda for the day, I noticed as my friend, Roderick, started talking to a boy that was at the seat in front of him. 'Hey, have you met my homeboy, Vahid?' Roderick asks me. ‘Nah. What’s up Vahid.’ As I gave him a handshake. ‘You new or something?’ I asked. ‘Yeah, I’m a senior. First and last year here.’ Vahid said. ‘Cool.’ I said. For the next few weeks, Roderick and Vahid became good friends. I didn’t care enough to talk to Vahid in class, so I didn’t bother making an effort. 

While in class, our professor let us have a day to complete and finish our work while we get to chat. Me and Roderick were talking and laughing while Vahid, who sat in front of us, didn't pay us any mind. Roderick turned to look at Vahid and leaned over to get his attention. While they were talking, I made an effort to add myself in the conversation. Vahid turned to look at both of us while smiling. "He's pretty cool. I guess." I thought to myself. 'You want a piece of gum?' Vahid asked while he dug out of his backpack. 'Sure. Thanks man.' I smiled. I locked eyes with him for two seconds and felt my heart skip a beat.

“Jacob!” I heard a voice call out. I turned around and realized it was my girlfriend, Summer. ‘Hey babe. Let me walk you to class.’ I said. As I walked Summer to class, Vahid walked past me in the halls and I looked back for a few seconds. My hand around Summer's waist tightened. 

In biology class, me, Roderick, and Vahid became good friends. We were always talking in class and had the same lunch period together. ‘There’s a huge party going on tonight at Laker’s Park, you guys wanna go?’ Vahid asked. Me and Roderick both agreed to go and I ended up taking my girlfriend with me to the party. 

After school, me and Summer came together to the party and it was packed. Vahid and Roderick were already there and Summer ran off to go talk to her friends. ‘Yo! Jacob! Over here!’ I looked over and Roderick was waving his hand to come over to where he and Vahid are standing. Roderick soon left to go talk to his girlfriend and it was me and Vahid. 'Hey, you wanna see something cool?' Vahid asked. 'Yeah, sure.' I said.

As me and Vahid were on the way to this secret place, I started making conversation. 'So where are we going?' I asked curiously. 'It's a surprise.' Vahid said excitedly with a smile on his face. As we pulled up to the place, it was a forest. I looked at Vahid confusedly and he looked at me while he was smiling. 'Come on!' he said excitedly. After walking for a few minutes, we came across a waterfall with the sun starting to dim down. 'What is this place?' I asked. 'One of the most beautiful parks in the entire world.' Vahid exclaimed.

 For the rest of the night, me and Vahid explored the park and talked about the things that we had in common. We sat down on a rock that was on the lake shore and it was quiet. ‘I feel like I don’t know you that well.’ Vahid said. ‘What do you want to know?’ I asked. ‘What was your childhood like?’ Vahid asked. ‘How about you go first?’ I asked. ‘It was okay for the most part. I didn’t have a father growing up and my mother was always at work. I think my parents not being there, especially my father, affected me a lot more than I thought.’ Vahid said. ‘My parents weren’t there either. My father was never around, and I always had to take care of my younger siblings. My mother was always out partying and things like that.’ I said. ‘Wow, that’s a lot.’ Vahid said while looking into my eyes. ‘Yeah, I never really got the chance to be a kid, you know?’ I said sadly. ‘I never had a conversation with someone this personal before.’ Vahid said. ‘Me neither.’ I said. Again, it was quiet. Me and Vahid stared at each other and before I thought about it, Vahid kissed me. My body calmed down for a few seconds, I hadn’t felt this at ease in years. My mind went blank. Then I felt a spike of anger running through my veins. I pushed Vahid off of me and punched him in the face. ‘What do you think you’re doing?! Faggot!’ I yelled. Vahid looked at me while I stood up angrily, towering over him. Vahid wiped his mouth and got up while trying to regain his balance. I stormed off in anger and humiliation as I came back to the party. ‘Jacob, are you okay? What’s wrong?’ Summer asked confusedly. I pushed Summer off of me and walked back home. 

Back at school, I looked at my phone and saw I had over 6 missed calls from Summer last night. As I was walking through the hallway, I saw Summer angrily marching towards me. ‘What happened last night?! Why did you ignore my calls?! You left me by myself at the party!’ Summer exclaimed. ‘Something came up.’ I muttered while putting my head down. Summer looked at me furiously while she took a deep breath, ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you but when you’re ready to tell the truth, talk to me.’ As Summer walked off, I saw Vahid in my peripheral vision staring at the argument we just had. 

I didn’t go to sleep that night. I was humiliated. I didn’t understand why I liked it. I replayed the kiss in my head all night and it made my stomach turn. Last night, while I sat on my bed and punched my pillow repeatedly, I started to see the shadow people again. I smoked weed to ease my anxiety. 

For the next few days, I couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. I hadn’t talked to my girlfriend in over 2 days. When biology class ended, I had to do something. ‘Vahid.’ I called out. Vahid turned to look at me, ‘Yeah?’ he asked. ‘Come with me.’ I spoke. As the bell rang for everyone to be in the next class, I walked in the halls with Vahid while it was awkwardly quiet. We went behind the staircase and stood there. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that–’ Vahid explained, trying to break the ice. Before he could finish, I kissed him, and the feeling came back. I was at ease and my mind went blank. No thoughts, no shadow people, no anxiety, nothing. ‘Don’t tell anyone about this or we’re going to have a serious problem.’ I threatened. Vahid shook his head in agreement, and we continued to make out under the stairwell. 

For months, me and Vahid continued to meet in private. Me and Summer were still together, and she had noticed that my mood had incredibly improved. Every time me and him met up, I felt okay. I stopped smoking weed as much and wanted to be around Vahid more and more. As me and Vahid are hanging out at his house, I laid down on his bed with a smile on my face. As Vahid came into the room, he asked, ‘So when are you going to stop lying to your girlfriend?’ ‘What?’ I asked as my smile started to turn into a frown. ‘Your girlfriend came to me and told me—’ 

            ‘Why are you talking to my girlfriend?’ I asked defensively. 

‘Relax. She came to me. She asked what reason could there possibly be that you’re not spending time with her, since she noticed me, and you have been hanging out a lot more.’ Vahid explained. 

                                          ‘What did you say?’ I asked.

‘I shrugged and walked away.’ Vahid said while chuckling. 

‘But you know, I do like hooking up with you, but I do want to take it a step further with you. I feel like you understand me. I want you to myself.’ Vahid continued. 

‘One day. After we graduate, we can get our own place and have two dogs together.’ I laughed as I kissed Vahid on the cheek. 

As I heard my phone go off, I checked my phone and saw Summer texted me. ‘You and Vahid had been messing around? Call me.’ ‘Attachment: 1 video’ I clicked on the video, and it was a video of when me and Vahid were at Laker’s Park before I pushed him off of me. ‘I gotta go.’ I said worriedly. ‘Why? What happened?’ Vahid asked. I left out the door and called Summer. ‘Summer? Where did you get that video?’ I asked anxiously. ‘That’s what you’re worried about? What about the fact that you’ve been cheating on me with a man?’ Summer asked. ‘Answer the question!’ I yelled. ‘A random number sent it to me. Why didn’t you tell me you liked boys, Jacob?’ Summer asked. ‘I DON’T! I’m not gay!’ Jacob yelled. ‘Then what do you call liking Vahid?’ Summer asked. ‘We’re done.’ Jacob said and hung up the phone. I completely ignored summer’s call and text messages. When I saw her at school, I completely shut her down. Until one day she just stopped trying. 

I came over Vahid’s house and like I always do, jumped and laid on his bed. Once Vahid came back in, he came back in with his hand behind his back. I sat up on his bed and asked what was going on. ‘Jacob, I want you to be my boyfriend.’ Vahid said as he pulled out a leather bracelet. I paused and looked at Vahid and Vahid looked at me with a blank stare. ‘Oh, you’re actually serious?’ I asked. ‘We don’t have to be public. I know you’re not out yet–’ Vahid says before being cut off. ‘Not “OUT”? Jacob asked defensively. ‘Let me rephrase that. I know you’re a private person and I want to be your only one.’ Vahid said. ‘I want to be here for you in every way possible and the way I feel for you, I haven’t felt this way before.’ Vahid continues. As Vahid slips the bracelet onto Jacob’s hand, he asks ‘So, what do you say?’ Vahid asks. ‘Okay.’ Jacob said. Vahid had a huge smile on his face and hugged Jacob. 

A few weeks into me and Vahid’s relationship, no one noticed we were together. We barely talked in school, but we texted every minute of the day and I went over to his house every day after school when his mom was at work. The first few weeks were fine but eventually, the shadow people came back. Even when Vahid was there. Vahid had brung up the conversation of having sex and I shot him down every time. It was about a month before graduating, I came over to Vahid’s house to get his help on ordering a graduation cap and gown. While we sat on the bed and filled out the paper for the graduation cap and gown, Vahid started to kiss on my neck and pulled out a condom. ‘Let’s do it.’ Vahid said while getting on top of me. I pushed him off of me and sat on the edge of the bed. ‘What’s wrong, Jacob? How come you don’t want to have sex with me?’ Vahid asked angrily. ‘I’m not ready.’ said Jacob. ‘So then when are you going to be ready? You think I’m going to wait forever?’ Vahid pressed. Vahid’s voice became blurry as I looked down onto the floor while still sitting on the edge of the bed. The shadow people came back. The shadow people only came back when Vahid asked about sex. ‘Is it that you’re not ready or you just don’t want to do it with me?’ Vahid asked. 

‘I was seven.’

‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry, Jacob.’ Vahid said sadly. After that, the void came back. I didn’t think I would be pressured into telling it. I thought I’d do it in my own time. ‘It’s okay, I forgive you.’ I said in the most mundane voice. As our relationship progressed, Vahid proceeded to buy me gifts, ask to hang out, and text me first. Vahid had complained to me a few times that he felt he was the only one putting in effort in our relationship. I told him I’d change my behavior, but it always became an argument in our relationship. After graduating from high school, me and Vahid went to a huge graduation party. I smoked more blunts than I could count that night and ended up flirting with a few guys at the party. When the party ended, there was a guy who wasn’t from our school, but he was more feminine, and I ended up texting him after the party. We flirted for a few weeks and ended up meeting up once.

Vahid’s mom was working a night shift and Vahid asked me to spend the night with him. As I got my things situated, I told Vahid I was going to take a shower. Once I came back, Vahid had my phone in his hand reading and scrolling through something. ‘Uh…why do you have my phone?’ I asked. ‘You're texting other dudes behind my back...?’ Vahid said angrily. ‘Is that why you’ve been acting so differently lately?’ Vahid continued. 

‘Baby, let’s meet up tonight at 1.’ ‘You’re so beautiful’ ‘I can’t wait to see you again.’ as Vahid read off the messages. 

‘I’m sorry, I can explain it.’ I spoke. ‘You’re not about to explain nothing to me. You need to get out of my house.’ Vahid said sternly. I started to pack up my things as I watched Vahid pace back and forth with his fists balled up. ‘Can you drop me off at home?’ I asked nervously. ‘LEAVE!’ Vahid screamed angrily. I walked out of the door slowly and left. It was pitch black outside and none of the buses were running on schedule anymore. I saw a car pulling up next to me and it was Vahid. ‘Get in.’ Vahid said sternly. I got in the car and the car ride was silent. ‘You know for a while I had thought to myself that you didn’t actually like me, you liked the love and validation that you got from me.’ Vahid said. I honestly didn’t understand what he meant by that, I thought when you got into a relationship, you just liked everything about the person. ‘I should’ve known when you were breadcrumbing Summer and she’d complain to me almost every day about you.’ Vahid continued. 

‘I’m sorry, Vahid, we can make it work. I won’t do it again.’ I said a little bit more unsurely than I wanted. As we pulled up to my house, Vahid chuckled and said, ‘How many times are you going to continue to lie to me?’ Huh?’

‘You looked at me as nothing more than just a distraction from your pathetic, miserable life’. Vahid said angrily. ‘Because you’re hurting, everyone else who tries to get close to you has to sink to the bottom too!’ Vahid yelled as the car stopped. ‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’ I said nonchalantly. ‘GET OUT!’ Vahid screamed. I got out of the car and Vahid drove off. 

                               That was over six years ago. 

The therapy group was silent and stared at me as they wanted me to continue with the story of when I realized I needed therapy. 

‘A little over two years ago, I came out as bisexual to my mother and siblings. I got a few blows from my mother, but my siblings were accepting of me.’ I explained. ‘Have you seen the boy since then?’ someone from the group asks. ‘No. I honestly forgot what he looked like. I know he moved away shortly after that, and I never saw him again.’ I spoke. 

‘Well, we’re here for you. All of us are.’ someone from the group said. 

For the first time in six years, I felt at ease again. My mind wasn’t focused on the shadow people anymore. 

                             ‘Thank you. I’m here for you too.’