How Far Can You Run, Alone?

“You can’t run away from things.”

These words from my husband pulled me back to reality.

It’s as if I had been sleepwalking my days since our wedding, and his words acted as the wake-up call I needed.

I looked at him, half expecting a smirk from feeling smug at his accomplishments. Sameer, my husband, was a Harvard graduate and had a well-paid job that took care of us throughout our dating lives, and right until today as I was “trying to figure out” what it is I wanted to do with life. This, I felt, was enough to make him feel like the bigger person of the two of us.

Instead, I was met with compassion and a genuine worry in his eyes, as if to say “I’m here for you.”

And that made it worse. I broke down.

I was so used to smirks, and egoistic responses from those I had met in the past, that this soulful, concerning look caught me off guard.

I cried into my hands, unable to look at him, feeling a sense of shame so heavy, it enveloped me completely. 

Sameer tried to console me and asked me to look at him, simply to meet my eyes. But that was the last thing I wanted to do. To look at the man I married and ended up disappointing, just like the others in my life.

Every time I felt Sameer’s warm touch on my shoulders, I cried some more. I could not bear to look at myself in his eyes.

Finally, when I felt like I could cry no more, I wiped my eyes and the snot coming through my nose with the back of my hands, making eye contact with him. I knew I looked pathetic, but when I looked at myself in his eyes, I felt pathetic too.

He, however, still had the same look in his eyes, with even more empathy in them, if that was at all possible.

Slowly tucking the loose strand of hair that had escaped my three-day-old messy bun, behind my ears, Sameer very calmly spoke to me, with a voice that regarded me as his equal, no less.

He said “Sweetheart, I may not fully comprehend what you may feel right now, but know that I am here for you. I love you, don’t you ever forget that. I love who you are because that’s the person I fell in love with.”

Then, taking a beat, he continued, “What I want for you though, is to find your sense of purpose. To bring back the missing light in your eyes every time you spoke about your professional achievements and recognition. I know it’s hidden inside of you, and that you possess the capability to find it if you just try a little.”

I could feel another set of tears rising inside me when he continued saying, “It does not even have to be your professional achievements that I am asking you to look for. Just… just bring back the girl I fell for all those months ago who loved to live, if you know what I mean. Ever since you quit the disastrous last job, you’ve turned into a shell of a person who I hardly recognise.” He fell quiet after saying this. I could see he was having an internal battle on how to handle this with me. 

But somehow his words had hit home.

I could finally hear the meaning behind those words and saw the effect that my mental and physical absence had created on our marriage. Now that I think about it, Sameer had withdrawn as a person too, hardly laughing or speaking around me.

It all started when I took up that awful job in a prestigious and renowned organisation a year ago. What started as a fancy position to work for, had turned into a nightmare two weeks after starting the position.

A horrible boss, unsupportive colleagues, and a cold environment, literally and figuratively, had depleted my energy to continue working there. Within a month, I had begun looking out for jobs, albeit not too enthusiastically, since I was going to get married in the next 6 months.

The pressure of planning my wedding alongside the stress of work showed on my health – mentally and physically. I slowly began to retreat from work and began losing the confidence I had in my abilities and skills, thanks to the constant negative criticism from my immediate superior. Somehow, I mustered the courage to come up with an excuse to move on from the toxic environment.

What I failed to realise, at the time, were the repercussions the job would have on me once the hullabaloo of our impending nuptials dried up. And that’s exactly what happened.

The constant criticism by my then-superior had turned me into a pile of self-doubt, feeling like an imposter every time I tried to look for a job. I began to spend more time in the pursuit of “looking for a job” when in reality I was whiling away my time by doing anything but that. Eventually, this led to regret and later, feeling stuck for not landing a job.

This cycle went on for the first 3 months, after which, I gave up the pursuit of a job altogether. Sameer too tried to help me out, with tips and tricks to land opportunities and put myself “out there”. But it was as if, I just didn’t want to try. With time, he got caught up with work, spending less time at home.

I began to spend my days only waking up to support Sameer in the mornings, as he prepared to leave for work and later spending my entire days in bed wallowing in missed opportunities, with anxiety and guilt.

Slowly and steadily, I lost all motivation to work and then, even move out of bed, not realising the impact it was having on our marriage. From two individuals who loved to talk, go on adventures, plan dates, and socialize, we were now two people who could barely look at each other.

Today, Sameer’s look of concern and worry, dawned on the realisation that he had truly kept his patience since our wedding, waiting for me to turn into the person I was before we got hitched.

Still, I didn’t have a single thought on how to get out of the situation I had found myself in.

And that’s what I told him. “Sameer I feel so clueless, I just don’t know what to do!”

He cupped my face in his palms, wiped the remnant tears streaking down my cheeks, and said “First things first, let’s get you showered and changed and head out in the sun. It’s been weeks since you’ve left the house.”

Even though I had no energy to do the things he said, I simply followed his instructions since I didn’t want to think. Sameer guided me to the bathroom, which had my towel and other necessities in place, as if he knew I would make it there and left me to scrub myself clean.

For the first time in months, I allowed my brain to switch off from overthinking, and simply focus on doing what I was asked to do – have a shower. As the water flowed through my hair and then my body, I could feel the soap and the weight of my worries being washed away. For the first time, in weeks, I felt cleaner and somewhat lighter. I stood under the shower for just a few more minutes, something that I had stopped doing because it only made me cry harder.

I wiped myself dry and dressed in clean, comfy clothes with some light makeup to add colour to my face. I had already begun to feel better as I stepped down the stairs to my waiting husband.

We walked out of the house and onto the streets to the nearest café and ordered our drinks and food. I could feel the nervousness kick me inside waiting for Sameer’s next words on my career and life. Instead, he said “How about we work on your career together? You can tell me your unfiltered thoughts about where you think you stand in your career, if you want to have one that is.”

He must have sensed the panic rising in me as he continued, “Don’t get me wrong love, I would be equally happy if you chose to focus on our home instead of going back to work again. I just want you to choose your priorities and focus your time and energy on it. Right now, you seem to be struggling to keep your footing in one place.”

By the time he finished talking, our food and drinks had arrived.

I took the time to take a bite and feel the taste of the food in my mouth, something I had forgotten to do in the last few months, while allowing Sameer’s words to sink inside.

One of the things that had initially drawn me to him during our dating days, was his clarity of thought and communication. He was just… unfiltered like that.

So now, when he put his thoughts honestly to me, I knew he meant no harm. I decided to break down my walls of ego and let Sameer in, on my thoughts about myself and career.

I started hesitating, and later, my feelings opened like a floodgate. We spoke for hours in that quaint café about me and my career goals, confusions, inhibitions, and feeling like an imposter. I told him I wouldn’t mind being a homemaker, but a career is something I want as well. Making a name for myself in the professional space, was very important to me. Sameer listened to all of it patiently, never once interrupting me, but asking relevant questions wherever required.

In the end, he held my hand and said, “Hmm.. I understand it now. That must really feel like a LOT! So, how about we take one step at a time? I don’t want to tell you what to do, but be supportive of what you decide to do.”

He continued after a pause saying, “Where do you think we can start? And please think of the very first step.”

I could feel the hesitation creeping up. But before it caught hold of me, I said “Could you look at my resume and help me understand better ways to apply to jobs? Maybe then, we can narrow down roles and places where I can apply.”

A smile slowly began to form on Sameer’s face. “Yes love, I would be happy to do it. Is that all, or would you like me to be of help somewhere else, too?”

“Well… umm… also maybe you could help me conduct mock interviews? One of the things that most scare me now is answering the interviewer’s queries on the gap period in my resume.”

“Sure, we can do that,” Sameer said with that adorable smile that always won my heart.

He slowly slid his hand and kept his warm palm on mine as he said, “Sweetheart, we can create a small plan to kickstart your job-hunting journey and then track your progress. What do you say?”

“Yes baby,” I said feeling a smile start on my face too, a first after a very long time. I felt warm and light on the inside, as if Sameer’s confidence, was transferring slowly through our joined palms. It also felt nice being this close with Sameer as his wife again, something else that I missed doing in these last few months.

We sat there for some more time, catching up on the stories and updates of the last six months that Sameer could not tell me earlier. Throughout it all, I felt grateful and blessed to have found this human who lets me be me.

We also delved into our marriage and worked out baby ways to make progress in our personal lives, while I carved a path for myself in the professional arena.

After what felt like a zillion hours, we got up and paid our bill before we walked out of the café with no destination in mind.

But I could safely say that something had changed in me between walking in, and then out of the café. It was my sense of self-worth.

A simple conversation was all it took for me to realize that I had all the answers within me. All I needed was to find them and ask for help whenever required. I had closed myself to the world and my marriage, tying my self-worth to my achievements, alone.

But, it is by speaking openly, that I realised, all of us need support from time to time. If only we learned to voice them to the right people who heard us out.