Security

 Do you know Security? I have heard great things about them but never seem to be in the right place at the right time to meet them. It’s honestly a little frustrating! So many people I know tell me Security’s great! I’m just not working hard enough to find them.

 Hearing those words though… They hurt. I am trying. I have been trying. I don’t feel like I’m doing anything drastically different than anyone else but circumstances are never the same for any two people and it feels like no one who has become good friends with Security seems to remember that?

 I initially tried to find Security by following a recipe: Go to college, get a decent job, have long-term relationships, settle down in one place.

 There was a lot of external pressure to succeed in these areas, even beyond just my personal interest in becoming acquainted with Security. But the idealized “normal” version of these things aren’t what’s right for me. An out-of-state university where I didn’t know anyone right out of high school was not a good environment for me. A lot of insecurities and unhealthy coping mechanisms were exacerbated because I went from constant, overbearing parental control to absolutely zero structure whatsoever. I went to college because it was considered the only acceptable option after I graduated high school. No other options were discussed. I even tried to have those conversations, but my parents shut them down.

 This specific situation is one that from the outside looks like support. To an impartial third party, hearing that I was going to college out of state sounds like I have the parental and financial support I need and that I’m doing so willingly and enthusiastically.

 It does not sound like it’s a coercive situation, one that I was pressured into accepting thousands of dollars of debt to pursue an education I wasn’t sure was right for me, or have any idea what to do with it after the fact.

 I withdrew from college three separate times in my efforts to find Security. To be honest, I feel fortunate that I ended up walking away with only $10,000 of debt that took a decade to finally pay back.

 I have worked some really terrible jobs in my life. Without a college degree, it’s true that I don’t have the “formal education” that would qualify me for a lot of positions that would guarantee finding Security. There are also a lot of occupations that can ensure a livable wage for the work you do even if it’s not necessarily a professional-level position. For whatever reason, I have always had a difficult time securing employment in this area. Could it be my variable work history, where I haven’t had a lot of jobs in one cohesive area? Possibly. That just says that I am a highly adaptable individual who will rise to the challenge in order to execute my job to the standards expected of me. It’s hard to really articulate that skill set in a resume though.

 Those long-term relationships might be the real reason it’s been so difficult to find Security, though. For a long time, I thought they were one in the same (they’re not). The time and energy and sacrifices I made to be whatever that person wanted me to be, investing my whole self into those relationships to ensure that my well-being was tightly woven with theirs… Surely this was the best way to find Security? If this person is already well-acquainted with Security, then I would be too, soon enough!

 The problem with that plan, however, is that I didn’t know the true version of each person I made that effort with. I became deeply entangled with some genuinely dangerous people, and to only have my life completely shaken to its core where I was forced to claw my way back to square one was an actual miracle. There is not a single day that I am not truly grateful that those times in my life went as badly as they did… And not much worse.

 As a result of many (most) of those tragic, short-sighted commitments, I’ve moved a lot. I’ve been homeless. Even as I write this, I am faced with the pressing decision of where to move to next in my journey to find Security. Every time I think I am getting closer, something takes them further away from me. It’s difficult not to give up hope the longer this goes on. The more people say “I worked hard and I found them. So you must not be trying hard enough.”

 Have you ever been depressed to the point that you wished you were dead?

 Have you ever been kicked out of your house because your parents were sick of you not meeting their arbitrary expectations?

 Have you ever had to live out of your car because there were no other options for you?

 Have you ever worked three jobs multiple times in your life and still not been able to afford your own place to live?

 Have you ever had people in your life make commitments to you that you changed your whole life based upon those promises, only to have them break them when it would cause you the most intense and lasting pain?

 Have you ever had your immediate family go out of their way to make your life harder because it meant that something would be more convenient or directly beneficial to them?

 Have you ever had to hide entire aspects of who you are to keep from upsetting the status quo of your relationships, which would be more detrimental to your physical well-being than pretending to be something you’re not is harmful to your mental well-being?

 It’s easy to tell someone they haven’t worked hard enough when you assume everyone has had the exact same opportunities you’ve had. It’s easy to say someone hasn’t made the right choices when you’ve never had to rank one terrible situation against another and hope for the best. It’s easy to overlook the privileges that benefit you every day because they have always been there and you don’t know life without them.

 I’m not sitting around waiting for Security to come find me. I’m out there, walking through hell trying to find my way to them. Come down here and tell me I’m not.