Elizabeth Shakespeare

attINT. TAD'S DETECTIVE AGENCY (Messy) OFFICE - DAY.

He's smart, handsome in an off-beat way, mid 40's.He pushes button on his phone.

Mary's voice (middle aged). 

MARY

Daily chores unlimited.

TAD

Mary, this is Tad four doors down the hall... Yes the detective agency, not the defective agency. If you mess with my sign any more you'll cycle to work on a flat tire--

MARY

But you forgot my birthday.

TAD

I already apologized and I left you a beautiful sunflower outside your door this morning, in a pot yet.

MARY

I don't see any flower--

TAD

Give it time to grow. Right now it's just a seed.

MARY

Alright Tad, Sorry.

TAD

No more messing with my tees and changing them to effs.

His outer door opens, An utter vision of loveliness appears.

ELIZABETH

Tad Maxwell... The Defective agency?

TAD

Ah, Have a seat Ms. Shakespeare. Just move those few books. That's Detective. Detective agency. We have a tenant in the building with a strange misdirected sense of humor.

ELIZABETH

Good morning, a lovely day. I was most impressed with your phone presentation and I lay in bed last night knowing I had to meet you.

TAD

And hearing your voice, I new I had to cancel my full days appointments and arrange this meeting.

ELIZABETH

Now we are exhuming ghosts, like one William Shakespeare.

TAD

Oh Shakespeare... I've heard the name somewhere... I think.

ELIZABETH

You are joshing with me. Last night on the phone you seemed so well informed as to my urgent need.

TAD

I had to inspire your confidence. I really don't know much about the man. Is he a friend of yours?

ELIZABETH

You mean that was just a sales pitch?

TAD

My telephone presentation, I prefer to call it

ELIZABETH

So you got me here under false pretenses?

TAD

But I got you here, surely that all that matters.

Angry, she gets up. An inch from his face.

ELIZABETH

You scallywag, you buffoon! Who in his right mind has never heard of Shakespeare?

TAD

Not until you told me your name. IT has a nice ring to it.

He gestures holding a spear.

TAD

Shakespeare. I like it. It evokes great thoughts.

She's about to claw him.

TAD

He was some kind of writer?

ELIZABETH

And Mozart tinkered on the piano, Beethoven was some kind of musician, Van Gogh a painter by numbers...Perhaps I should not waste any more of our time...It's too bad...  

TAD

So sad, Tad.

ELIZABETH

And yet I'm somewhat perturbed that a man of your education has scant knowledge of Shakespeare--

TAD

I was brought up on pulp fiction, stick ball in the sandlot, Saturday matinees, old radio shows. Mine was the college of hard knocks and paper routes. Ask me about Hank Aaron's home runs, Sandy Koufax's record, or who won the triple crown in 85... But this Shakespeare guy, I mean--

ELIZABETH

Next to God, Jesus and the Pope, the most repeated name in world history--

TAD

Could have fooled me, I thought it was Smith.

ELIZABETH

 You have little knowledge of the great bard. I think I am a time a-wasting...And I took you to be a Shakespeare expert.

TAD

Wherever did you hear that? Though I'm sure I've heard mention of him.

ELIZABETH

Thou art a fraud and a varlet!

ELIZABETH

But I fear that a man such as you, this would be riches before rags and I need one with a more voracious appetite. 

TAD

But never the less, the truth, I'm a sleuth. Would Madam Shake-sword like a spot of tea?

ELIZABETH

I would like nothing more than a sip of water to expunge the acrid taste of dust in this deceptive dungeon of detective depravity, where a man can reach the age of what...45 years?

TAD

Close. Forty six--

ELIZABETH

And never heard of the greatest living poetic dramatist the world has ever known.

She spies the cooler, takes a small cup, puts it to her lips.

TAD

Gertrude, DO MOT DRINK!

It spills.

ELIZABETH

I will my Lord Hamlet.

She relaxes.

ELIZABETH

Madam Shake-dagger would prefer a sip of water.

He touches her arm affectionately. and goes down on one knee.

TAD

Madam ...Shall I compare thee to a summer's day, Though art more lovely and more temperate, rough winds do shake the darling buds of May and summer's lease hath all too short a date.

ELIZABETH

(Astonished)

You lied! You abysmal varlet. You never once fooled me with your bardish ignorance. I had you thoroughly checked out. And I knew you as an Oxfordian with a Shakesperian appetite.

TAD

Forgive this poor varlet, madam. It was my old pappy who, as he lay dying, pulled me close and said; Son, a sense of fun is so important, and although he died in debt, he was sure of only one thing, that the good Lord had a wicked sense of humor.

ELIZABETH

Oh yes, and I know you're quite famous in this area, with a string of broken hearts in your wake and one inglorious engagement.

TAD

As I background you. It's truly amazing how my D.S.C.P can scour your id, right back to the building blocks of your cell structure.

ELIZABETH

D.S.C.P ?

TAD

D.N.A. Special Computer programming. You see there is the regular web, the dark web, and then the top secret EXCLUSIVE WEB, known to the so very very exclusive few.

She pulls him upright and passes him another picture.

TAD

Now your problem?

ELIZABETH

(Fishing a photo from her purse)

This, Tad Maxwell is my miserable, illiterate, bitchy, ex sister-in-law, Edith Baxter, who lives near London, who has just opened a wooden trunk in her attic. It's been there for years, handed down through four to five centuries of Shakespeare. The keys lost long ago. She finally got it opened and took a picture of some of the old china pieces on top of papers underneath.

She passes him another photo.

TAD

What am I looking at, Elizabeth?

ELIZABETH

The writing of the first scene of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.

TAD

You wouldn't be joshing this poor gumshoe, now, would you?

ELIZABETH

The world has searched in vain for three historical antiquities, the holy Grail, Noah's Ark and the original Shakespearian manuscripts.

She passes him another envelope, which he eagerly opens and scans the pictures.

ELIZABETH

Written by the great bard himself.

TAD

The missing manuscripts? The ghost on the battlements in scene one...

ELIZABETH

Exactly. Worth a king's ransom. She thought the china might be valuable, but had no idea what it was sitting on. The writing is faded and hard to read, but I had it authenticated by two experts. They couldn't of course do a carbon dating test from the photograph. That's where you come in.

TAD

You said that travel was involved. I thought you were talking local.

ELIZABETH

The next envelope.

She passes it to him.

He removes an embossed credit card.

ELIZABETH

My purple credit card, good for six thousand dollars made out in your name. I want pictures of every sheet of paper and zoom me the results. If they are the originals you will bring back the chest by air freight. You will of course have to do all the paperwork, like customs etcetera, and just mark them private papers with no value.

TAD

And my prize?

ELIZABETH

Ten thou. Minimum, in cash. Plus one percent of the sale price. On which I am sure will create a bidding war. The museums are as you know, well endowed.

She reads from a letter.

"IF

The Mss are found to be genuine then we suggest we put this out for silent bidding, and who can tell the value of these priceless pages. Perhaps from half a billion upwards. Please allow our house the first look as previously told you we would be happy to provide full expenses and security. 

ELIZABETH

We are talking Billions That's with a B.

ELIZABETH

That my dear detective is from Sotherby and there are still a half dozen other auction houses I haven't yet contacted. And my conversations suggest billions as in B. And I do have bona-fide contacts in that area.

Tad's mind is working overtime.

TAD

This is a giant undertaking, Ms. Shakespeare and well within my capability, but the thought entering my mind is, in the knowledge that this toy chest has been around for many centuries surely your enate curiosity would have explored this many years ago, why just now?

ELIZABETH

I was expecting that question of course, and the fact is, I have been through two very bitter marriages and personal belongings of mine had been hidden, stored and restored and fought over in the courts for many years and only recently with the death of my second husband has the chest been delivered to the residence of my ex-sister-in-law in Ilford, Essex. You see,I have been through two marriages, lengthy court trials to retain my estate and my name, which was just too valuable to relinquish, and I might add has caused much legal controversy.

TAD

You are a woman of much mystery. Like your involvement in a murder?  

ELIZABETH

Totally exonerated. The transcripts are public record... Your passport in order?  

TAD

Up to date. Mucho paperwork. And well armed.

He flashes his shoulder holster.

TAD

Never know who's hiding in those bushes, during stakeout.

ELIZABETH

So you fly to London, Taxi to the address, meet Edith. Open the chest for a thorough inspection and call me with the results.

TAD

Cheaper if you went yourself.

ELIZABETH

For reasons I can't explain to you, I have no passport.

A LONG BEAT

TAD

Ouch, you're wanted for murder?

ELIZABETH

More involved than that.

TAD

Ten thou cash, plus two percent of the sale price.

She considers.

ELIZABETH

Two percent of a billion dollars would at least allow your name to be inscribed in unalterable gold lettering on your door.

TAD

Aye, indeed Madam--

ELIZABETH

And you might add two more items to your luggage.

She brings forth a vial of pills.

ELIZABETH

Tasteless in alcohol. No time for P.Jays, Immediate slumber. 

TAD

And the other item?

ELIZABETH

A single malt Scotch. One can't predict her moods. Just make sure she's alone. And give her the china, she'll like that.

TAD

One gigantic undertaking.

ELIZABETH

But a gigantic payday.

TAD

At ten kay, the purple card and two percent.

ELIZABETH

But you are internationally licensed?

TAD

Heavily. Mucho paperwork. And well armed.

He flashes his shoulder holster.

TAD

Never know who's hiding in those bushes, during stakeout.

ELIZABETH

So you fly to London, Taxi to the address, meet Edith. Open the chest for a thorough inspection and call me with the results.

TAD

Cheaper if you went yourself.

ELIZABETH

For reasons I can't explain to you, I have no passport.

A LONG BEAT

TAD

Ouch, you're wanted for murder?

ELIZABETH

More involved than that.

TAD

A lady of much mystery.

ELIZABETH

You have no idea... Now in this envelope.

(She hands him a large Manila one)

ELIZABETH

A cash card with a six thousand dollar limit, for your expenses.

He opens the envelope and checks contents.

ELIZABETH

The world has searched in vain for three historical antiquities, the holy Grail, Noah's Ark and the original Shakespearian manuscripts.

She passes him another envelope, which he eagerly opens and scans the pictures.

ELIZABETH

A canvas bag with many quills, yellowed parchment paper and ancient spelling. And a graphite pencil too.

TAD

(Reading with difficulty)

The Battlement scene in Hamlet where he encounters his father's ghost. Oh my God! The ink is faded but legible. Dunno why he didn't write on his computer--

ELIZABETH

You think?

TAD

Or at least his Remington. 

ELIZABETH

It's all there. Stacks of papers. I called Edith right away and told her Not to disturb anything more, put a new lock on the chest, and I would have it inspected by a professional historian. She's looking forward to your visit. I told her to be sure she told no one about it. Now can you leave within the week?

TAD

That soon?

ELIZABETH

Time is of the essence. Edith is a greedy hussy and if she thinks there's a haul there she might unload it for a just a few dollars to the local ragman.

She passes him another envelope. 

ELIZABETH

When the contents of that treasure chest are in my hands, you will have another ten thousand dollars, plus one percent of the eventual sale price.

TAD

At two percent I am your faithful servant madam.

ELIZABETH

I know for a fact that two of his original plays are in his quill writing, Henry Five and Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. 

She passes him another picture.

TAD

Ye Gods!

ELIZABETH

Many quills, plus a mighty quaff of ink. He also used a graphite pencil. I also suspect all of his other plays and sonnets are there too.

TAD

Do you realize what this literary Holy Grail is? What a find, what an historic discovery.

ELIZABETH

That is why it must be top secret. If a word of this gets out, you will be the most hunted man on the planet. It would be like giving your whereabouts to the world if you flourished a winning lottery ticket.

TAD

Paper does not age well, But sealed in an airtight chest, I have it on good authority, it can survive,

ELIZABETH

Ten thousand and two percent of the sale price.

She offers a handshake.

He replies with a hug and a kiss.

TAD

Madam, you have a deal.

END OF ACT ONE

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