Vienna, Jay and the case of too much feelings

"Are you coming tonight?" she blurted out

This was Vienna's fourth attempt after finally puffing up some courage from within. The bed and the phone had unwillingly crossed bumpy paths before but 3 times didn't make any difference in her emotional state. Fourth was a push from someone’s lost courage accidentally ending up with her.

"Hey. I want to" sighed the guy on the other end

"I feel there is a 'but' coming" she said deflated and disappointed

A soft, sorryful chuckle was heard at the other end.

"Yes.." said the guy and provided the relevant excuse, which was true

"I understand, maybe next time" said Vienna covering herself with her usual unbothered and carefree persona, not leaking a single hint that she felt sad.

"I'm sorry" sighed the guy

"It's alright. Bye" she hung up

A series of quotes and advice began flooding her mind. "If someone really wanted to, they would. They would make an effort"

"I guess he doesn’t want to “ she sighed. She flicked herself on the head ‘Accept it wormbrain!’

‘Hey you could be nicer and you could say this more softly’

‘I have been and you don’t listen and end up crying!’

‘I’m not ready to let him GO!’

For someone who loves talking to herself, she sure gives good advice.

The rest of the day passed by juggling emotions and assumptions.

'He is good and honest. He never ignores me'

'But he doesn't care enough either'

"Ughhh!"she screamed in a pillow!

'That's it, I don't give a rat's tail about this guy!' an announcement

Jay, Vienna's childhood crush and friend was the guy she was comfortable with. Like almost every guy without an emotional awakening, he knew and understood emotions but didn't want to feel the depth, until it was too late, also like every other guy.

"It's no use being a full-time cry baby over a guy who is drowned in work, not thinking about me and who has already said that he wants nothing more than a casual connection!" she said

Chinese food, chocolate for dessert and the current mafia K-drama she was watching was the perfect solution to distract her. The intensity, thrills and one cliffhanger after the other distracted her perfectly until it was 2 AM.

"Noooo" she scolded herself as she lay in an empty bed feeling sorry for herself about to cry herself to sleep "Just go to sleep"

The next day came and she truly got lost in the company of someone she enjoyed the most with; herself. Jay got a lazy reply to his "Good Morning" even emotionally she didn't give a rat's tail about him!

"Ahh!" she said satisfied, sitting with a cup of her favorite tea and grilled chips and cheese sandwich but it was short-lived as a knock on the door startled her

'Nobody knows I am here!' she whispered to herself. She silently went to the door and peaked through the eye hole

"You didn't tell me you were coming" she said opening the door suddenly

"Hey" said Jay standing at the door, pointing out with his voice that he didn't even get a proper greeting

"Yeah, I got free and left as soon as I could. I didn't want to be drawn into another work problem so I had to make my absence clear" he said

"Ohh alright" said Vienna, by this time she had already signaled him to come in

Jay waited for Vienna to come to him and hug him, but she decided not to. She deliberately changed topics and slowly walked away as if he is just a visiting friend. Jay watched her, amused and infatuated. Before Vienna could move out of range, he grabbed her arm and pulled her close, wrapped his arms around her

"So, what's up?" he said in a funny voice. A silly yet satirical exchange they both did since they began talking again after 10 years. They couldn't help but get lost in a long passionate hug and deep kisses. Feeling each other's touch was always better than before

'I cannot stay angry at him' sighed Vienna

The rest of days witnessed amateur yet fun love-making with both of them gigging and laughing, making inappropriate jokes and awkward positions. Lots of great food and movies while cuddling not forgetting a pregnancy scare

"Still no periods" she texted

"Don't worry. Your body didn't have sex before, at all. It's changing so a few days delay is normal. I guess" he replied

A few days passed and Vienna was losing sleep. Apart from periods, Jay's indifference was irking her

'How can he not care?!'

"Still no periods. I know it's probably nothing, it has happened before. But, I'm in a freeze worry mode" she texted him

2 hours passed and he said nothing, Vienna was restless. He even rejected her call!

After her while her phone rang, it was Jay!

"Hello" she said acting cool

"Hey" said Jay

They talked for over an hour and sadly Vienna was disappointed in his lack of abilities to provide her any assurance. They said good night and hung up. But that night was one of her most distressed and emotionally toiling nights. She decided not to be typical and approached head-on

"Hey I know you were tired and didn't have a good day. But I was looking for assurance from you" she texted him at 1AM knowing that guys were clueless or pretended to be when it came to emotions

"Assurance?" he texted after 2 hours "For?"

"Ugh!" groaned Vienna to herself

"That everything's alright and I'm overthinking as usual and that you are with me if anything happens" she texted

"Everything's alright and I'm overthinking as usual. And I'm with you if anything happens" he texted back

"Did that rat just copy pasted the whole thing?!" said Vienna unable to believe her eyes

"Don't worry :)" said another text

"Hmm" replied back Vienna "At least you could have copy pasted properly"

"You're*" he replied back

Vienna replied with a thumbs up which she considered rude and tossed her phone. She was already burying her face in her hands and crying. Her heart broke again due to this guy. First, was the time he said he didn't want a relationship after forming an emotional bond with her.

'I should've ended things then' she said sobbing 'But I wasn't ready'

The next day Vienna refused to have any contact with Jay until she texted "Congratulations" because he texted her he got the job in the amazing fintech company he had applied and interviewed for.

Unfortunately Jay didn't turn up at all the next day, which Vienna had hoped for. It makes it harder to root for this guy looking at his poor record.

'Give up' she said to herself

'I guess this time I have to' taking a deep breath and tapping her chest lightly

Again Vienna was immersed in her own company. Enjoying a 'dance walk' as she called it, cooking good food, eating chocolate cookies and of course binge watching.

"I'm leaving from here. I'll be there in 20 minutes" texted Jay

'Well, who wants to meet you?!' she said out loud mockingly and sticking out her tongue. Her funny faces left people aching from laughter

But as promised, he knocked on the door after 20 minutes. She opened and invited him in

"Well, Congratulations" she said and gave him a dry hug and left his side to sit afar at the table but Jay came and wrapped his arms around her from behind.

"I'm sorry" he said

Vienna was silent begging her anger and attitude to stay. She tried to free herself from him

"Oh no" he said and held on

"I'm sorry babe" he apologized thrice and then heard a short and sharp

"It's okay" from Vienna

But he still wasn't letting her go. She slowly glanced behind, his head was rested on her shoulder. Jay then moved in for a kiss. They kissed and Vienna turned and they hugged again. Holding each other was a beautiful blended feeling of comfort of home and passionate excitement.

"Let's order pizza and watch Loki! I told you it would be my treat when I get the job!" said Jay

Vienna didn't completely forget Jay's indifferent actions, she knew he didn't care enough. But she couldn't ignore his qualities either, he was such a good guy. When they were together, Jay didn't leave her, his each action was mindful of her, caring and being with her.

'I feel so comfortable with him, I have grown out of my awkwardness and overthinking around him. I know he feels so comfortable around me too, he even smiles different' she says as tears roll down her eyes

The current rom-com K-drama didn't help either. The protagonist's childhood best friend and first love was ignoring her and not recognizing her now that they were adults.

Feelings and emotions have always been important for Vienna, she used to run away from them before but inner work brought out her true self. The next few days would be liberating

'She looks at me differently now' said Jay to himself

'Good different or bad different?' he asked

'Good different, her eyes are more deep when she looks at me now, they show more emotion'

Although Jay could have carried on the conversation, he chose not to.

Vienna was only here for two more days and the thought of going back was bothering her.

It was 4 in the morning, tears were rolling down her eyes. Apart from Jay other things in her life were bothering her too. Living on her own felt like a ride in a luxury car, like blood to the mouth of a hungry animal, like multiple orgasms and what nots and now she had to go back. Although her family was great, living alone had been way better. Then there was Jay and the case of too much feelings

She reached for a notebook and pen and wrote a letter, sometimes she smiled sometimes she held back tears but in the end she took a breath of deep acceptance of her feelings and hoped what every person with love to give hopes

The dreaded day had arrived, Vienna and Jay made love for the last time. Everything was packed and she hugged him for a long time before leaving the place, inner screaming continued as she begged her tears to stay in and not embarrass her, thankfully they obeyed.

They were waiting for her bus at the stop,

"Listen" she said is a small voice "I got you something"

Both were wearing masks, but Jay was embarrassed as he didn't even think of getting her anything. Vienna could read his eyes clearly and imagine his face.

"This will be something helpful on your Trek. I have one too" she said "and this too" she handed the letter along with the present

"There is one condition, if it applies we'll never talk about this letter" she said "and after reading it you have to get rid of it"

"That will not happen" said Jay

"It has to! Think of it as one of those self-destructive messages 'Your mission should you choose to accept.." Vienna did a perfect imitation

"We'll see about that" said Jay

Bus was late but it finally arrived. They gave each other a side hug and Jay kissed her on the forehead. Affection in the public was not common in this country. Vienna glanced at Jay, as if saving this image in her mind before she left his side

"Bye" she got on the bus and waved him from her seat

"Let me know when you reach home" she texted him

Vienna left unwillingly, crying in her handkerchief for over an hour in the bus.

While Jay battled the traffic and reached home only to be met by his nagging family again. He hid the letter and the gift.

Finally the next day he got time and privacy to open it

"Oh wow, a swiss army knife! I never had one of these" he said "She always gets the best gifts"

Then he opened the letter

"Dear Jay,

Wow, you are finally reading this letter, which feels weird and I'm definitely going to regret it later.

But I couldn't shove away the strong feelings I had for you. I tried so hard not to fall for you but I still did. This is NOT because we had sex, I had been feeling this since before, since January before we had the "talk" to be exact.

After that I knew we wanted different things, I was devastated but I was okay and I decided to fade away from your life but I couldn't, my feelings got the better of me. I'm sorry.

I know we are on different levels emotionally regarding our connection. I don't want to jeopardize our friendship. You are such a good friend!

But I didn't want to live with the regret of not telling you how I feel and that I love you.

If you feel differently, please don't mention this letter as it will save me from awkwardness too.

On a lighter note, please burn or get rid of this letter so you can't make fun of me in the future.

Our paths and timelines may never cross again but I will always remember the special moments I had with you. Thank you

I wish you have all the amazing things in life

Love

Vienna"