IfThenElse: The Husband's Companion

The kettle hissed and sang furiously on the stovetop, boiling over with the same frustration Harold felt at his husband.

"How dare you - and without even asking me first!"

"I thought you'd like the idea," said Marcus. "You're in the industry after all!"

"And as part of the industry, it's a big deal to just order a Companion from IfThenElse. Don't you understand what you've done?" screeched Harold.

Marcus looked confused and hurt. “But you're working on them. Wouldn't you want to have one at home that you can test drive?”

Harold groaned dramatically and threw his hands over his face. “It's not as simple as that, Marcus. They're just like us. You can't tell the difference. You've invited a stranger to live with us – indefinitely. You can't just adopt and abandon. Did you even read the fine print?”

Marcus frowned. “Now listen here. Of course I read the fine print. I got it as a gift for you.”

“Them. Not it. Oh God, we're going to have to get you up to speed before they get here,” said Harold. “When are they due to arrive?”

“I organised for tonight. I thought you'd be pleased.” Marcus said in a deeply hurt tone, but Harold was still too angry to soften his own tone.

“I can't believe you'd take such a step without even consulting me first. The Companions are unique to each person's needs – what on earth did you say our needs were? I'm not having my workplace gossiping about it. I just hope you didn't pick something stupid.” The acrid venom dripped off Harold's tongue as he criticised his husband. “And for God's sake, get that bloody kettle!”

Marcus rose to take the kettle off the stove, but as he did so, he turned back to Harold, eyes flashing, fingers raised in aggressive air quotes. “Of course I didn't put 'anything stupid' in. You and your precious reputation. You leave me at home all day to keep the house for you, you're always out creating these Companions and then you yell at me when I'm proud of your work and willing to invite one into our home. Maybe I should have made the need fulfilment 'emotional punching bag' – that would really get them talking!”

Harold stopped for a moment, wanting to continue the argument but sensing that he had pushed Marcus too far. Marcus continued. “For your information, I simply put in domestic companionship and help. It would be nice to have some company while you're out at work all day. What is there to be angry about?”

Harold fumed silently for a moment until their argument was interrupted by a ring at the doorbell. Harold groaned and sighed, mentally pulling himself together, as Marcus went to open the door.

“Honey, it's our delivery!” called Marcus back into the house from the door, a fake cheerfulness belying the heat the two had just exchanged. Harold took a deep breath and followed him to the door.

The two delivery drivers stood at the door, with a lithe young man between them. From experience, Harold knew this was their new companion, though there were no wires or cables to give it away. Each one was modelled after the humans they worked with, the only telltale sign the lack of flaws on their artificial skin. Even their touch was warm and lifelike, which Harold briefly shuddered at as their new companion shook his hand.

“Hello, my name is Dan. I'm your new companion. These are my escorts, James and Lawrence.” said the new Companion.

The two husbands looked at each other as if to say the discussion was not over. The man identified as James stepped forward.

“Good evening sirs, may I present Dan, our latest model of The Companion. Dan has all the capabilities a human has, with a digital brain. He has grafted skin and hair, and is programmed with his own personality, to give you an extra sense of realness,” said James. Harold, who had been working on this model in the back end of the company, cringed, inwardly thinking of the feedback he would give on the introduction script on Monday.

“It's very nice to meet you, Dan, please, come in. James, Lawrence, I don't think we'll need your assistance. I'm very familiar with Dan's model line and I'm happy to take responsibility from here,” said Harold through barely gritted teeth. He could feel his palms beginning to sweat and the fury rising up inside him again.

Marcus, sensing Harold's frustration, smoothly took over the conversation with James and Lawrence. “Yes, thank-you – I'm sure Harold will be able to take it from here. He's been working on this line for the last few months, so we know who to contact if we need any assistance.”

The two men were rushed out the door, Marcus profusely thanking them for their assistance. Dan looked at the two husbands with visible confusion.

“Why did you not want the induction? Am I safe here?” asked Dan.

Harold felt a cold wash of memory flow over him. The “Am I safe” routine was there for a reason. He took a deep breath and answered. “Dan, you are safe here. The tension you're picking up on -” and with this he checked to see that the door had closed firmly behind the two delivery drivers. “The tension is simply because my husband and I were having an argument before you arrived. There is nothing to fear here, however you may have to bear with us while we resolve the tension.”

The initial anger and fury that had fuelled Harold's initial outburst was subsiding as the cold chill of responsibility settled over him. He of all people knew what it meant to have invited a companion into their home. Suddenly a flash of jealousy rose within him. He took a few more deep breaths as Marcus came to stand beside him.

“I see,” said Dan. “Would you like me to call you Marcus and Harold, or something else?”

It was a standard set of questions, one that Harold's team had had very little to do with. His role had been in programming the mental health and sanity subroutines. They were now at version three of the Companion models, and most of the major kinks had been ironed out. The early models had been prone to depression when left at home or expected to do many hours of work, and this created unpredictable effects in their behaviour, such as emotional outbursts. Ultimately, Harold knew that appreciation and recognition were the best ways to prevent relapses of disorder in the Companions.

“Just Marcus and Harold is fine. Or you can call us friends,” said Harold carefully.

“Would you – I mean can you – would you like a cup of tea?” asked Marcus

“A cup of tea would be lovely, my friends,” said Dan.

“I'll go put the kettle on,” said Harold.