Juana

  Noises came from the Math teacher that he surely intended to be heard as words, but that were received by his many students as nothing more than incoherent ramblings. Class was within five minutes of closing and feet shuffled and hands jerked hesitantly towards their backpacks as students were eager to leave. The teacher’s lecture began to make sense just early enough for the students to hear him dismiss them from the class. Before his sentence was finished backpacks were over shoulders, and feet were moving towards the door like a stampede. The rush for the door was momentarily halted by the dinging, swooshing, and buzzing that erupted all at once across the class. Eyes were quickly drawn down to the phone screens.

Juana  kept walking, she already knew what the other students were excited about. In fact, she had known days ago. Saura, the biggest singer in the entire country, had released her tour dates, and one of the concerts was in Juana’s home city. It was over the summer as well, not competing with classes and bedtime schedules for the young teens. The somber mood of a midday class switch suddenly took on the feeling of spring break. Excited chattering and ambitious plans filled the halls. Juana kept to herself, careful to not show any excitement. She didn’t want to seem like them, she didn’t even want them to know she was a fan. She was sure that when she showed up to the concert, Saura would recognize her, recognize her in front of them all. It would be magnificent. She smirked, moved into the bathroom, closed the door of a stall and quickly logged onto the tour website and bought a ticket for herself. It would be incredible. It was time for the two to finally meet in person. She could barely contain herself as she left the bathroom and walked to her next class. She did contain herself though, her love wasn’t for the other’s to see. Suara would know, Juana was sure Suara was feeling it now just like she was, and that was what mattered. I didn’t matter how excited someone seemed, but how loyal they actually were. 

Unlike other fans Juana’s room was bare of posters and her playlists were empty of any of Saura’s songs. Juana had stopped listening to her music years ago. She didn’t need to. If someone is only a fan because they enjoy the artist’s music, then that loyalty is conditional. The music didn’t matter, they were connected, once Juana had realized that, the love of the music faded away. Why would she have to listen to it, Juana was the one who wrote it anyway. Ever since she realized this, it had been a search for Suara, to allow the two of them to finally meet physically, but it had been to no avail. Juana’s family didn’t allow her much freedom or money, but this upcoming concert had landed on her parent’s anniversary which was the one weekend a year that they would leave Juana alone. To Juana, this showed that Suara had picked this date just for her, and that Suara was equally as excited for the two to meet. They had worked together to make this happen. 

There was one student at the school who Juana got along with, her name was Sam, and she ran to Juana in the hallway yelling about the announcement. Juana smiled, Sam is a big fan of Suara, but not in the same way as Juana. Sam doesn’t even know Juana is a fan, Juana’s kept it a secret for their entire friendship. Juana liked watching fans and seeing what they thought of her and Suara. She likes to figure out if it is all just about the music for them. Do they care about her, about Suara, she wanted to figure that out before she revealed who she really was and her relationship to Suara. We care about all the fans she thought to herself. We care about their real lives, she was speaking to Suara now. We always care, it isn’t conditional.

Sam checked the dates on her phone as she walked with Juana. She let out a sigh. 

“I don’t think I can go. I’m pretty sure my Aunt’s wedding is this day.” She stared at her phone. Juana looked away and smiled, thinking of how Suara chose this date specially for her. She looked at Sam again and felt disgusted. How could she let anything get in the way of meeting Suara. She has never come to our city before, she is showing us her love, and giving us a chance to unite with her and Sam would pass that up? She didn’t understand, but silently thanked Saura. Juana didn’t care about the music, all she could think of was seeing Suara, in front of her, eye to eye, in the same location for the first time. Years of talking, of spending every moment together and now they finally meet. She wondered if Suara would recognize her immediately or if it would take a moment to realize just who she was. Juana’s heart leaped from her chest, and she felt Suara’s do so also, despite the million miles separating them.

The rest of the day was spent thinking of her, what it would feel like to finally touch. To finally unite and end the years of separation that had kept them apart. Physically they would be together, just the way their souls have been united all this time. 

When the concert arrived Juana stood in her mirror looking like a ghost of a girl. Her brown skin was paler than it ever had been before and dark circles formed deep crescents beneath her eyes. She hadn’t slept well in weeks, the constant battle between anxiety and excitement had her pacing her room at all hours. She knew Suara felt the same, not only was Juana sure that her physical condition was taking a toll on Suara, she had spent much of those nights talking to her. Juana was sure that if she was tired, Suara must be exhausted. She tried not to speak to her much the past few nights, she was letting her rest up for her big performance.

The day was spent getting ready, and Juana intended on dressing up for the event, but the day slipped away as she paced back and forth in her barren bedroom panicking each time she looked at the clock. When it was time to go she threw on some clothes she had hanging around and rushed out the door.

She arrived at her city’s venue, it was large, like a stadium, and carried with it the energy and passion of a full megachurch. Worship filled the air as she pushed through the crowds, wishing for the first time that these people knew the kind of fan that she was, who she was so they would part ways and let her get to her spot in the second row from the front of the venue, right underneath the stage. If only they knew she said to Suara, smiling to herself. It was going to be incredible. 

Shortly, the concert started, and after the opening acts, Suara came out onto the stage. Juana didn’t cheer, she stood smiling at her, hoping to appear distinct from the crowd. She’s incredible, thought Juana as she stared at the singer. She waved casually, like meeting an old friend, but Suara’s eyes rushed past her as she greeted the crowds. Juana waved again, but her wave was flushed out by the packed venue screaming and jumping for Suara’s attention. It’s me! Thought Juana, pushing through screaming people, spitting hair from her mouth and she rushed to the stage. She was stopped by a tall metal barrier creating a gap between the edge of the stage and the stands. She shook it angrily and Suara sang directly above her. She wasn’t listening to the music, she couldn’t even hear it. All this music prevented her from hearing Suara speak directly to her as she had always done. She looked up at the singer from the barrier and she towered above Juana on the stage, looking straight over her and into the crowd. She can’t even see us! Thought Juana, and this thought enraged her. She needs to see me!  Juana thought that Suara must be wondering where she is, must be seeking her. She’s looking in the wrong direction. Look down! I’m right here! She thought, trying to send the message to Suara like she always did when they communicated, but Suara didn’t change the way she performed and Juana could hear nothing over the sound of the venue. It was unbearable. Behind the metal barrier stood a fleet of large men with their chests pushed forward, spaced evenly across the length of the stage. One girl was jumping over the fence and the guards pushed her back behind it. Another was looking at Juana with confusion. They are keeping us from her, she thought. It made her mad. Who are they and they don’t know about me! She moved down the barrier weaving around crazed fans. The crowds around her cheered and jumped. The people danced and sang but she stood, staring at the tall black metal barrier a few rows ahead of her that separated her from the stage. She looked at the security guards and watched as Suara danced as if she was bouncing on their big bald heads of security with her  boots as she jerked and jumped across the stage. 

Juana remained unmoving, and the crowd swelled and shrunk like a lung around her. She moved to the middle, between a gap in security guards as another girl hopped the barrier and ran towards Suara. Two guards tackled her to the ground and dragged her out of the stadium. Suddenly music settled down and with it the crowd's excitement. In unison they looked up to Suara and Juana looked up too. She craned her neck back and looked at Suara through the glare of bright lights that made her eyes curdle. 

“Please, stop trying to come up on stage!” Suara said. “Just relax and enjoy the music, please!” In this moment of silence Juana spoke to Suara, whispering to herself to please let them connect. She was met with silence. The crowd began to cheer again and Suara opened up her arms as if to embrace all of them. Juana fists clenched. The music was the least important part. She looked up at the singer and suddenly felt as if she was worshiping her. She didn’t feel like an equal anymore. She stared at the barrier and at the men guarding it, now laughing about having had to throw someone out and betrayal wrought her body. She needed to touch her, to feel that connection, she needed to make their union real once again. She doesn’t care about the fans. It’s just about the music for her. Thought Juana. She swiftly climbed the barrier and hopped over it dashing toward the stage. She jumped, pulled herself up and stood on the stage looking out at the crowd. She couldn’t see anyone. The lights.  They blinded her and made the stadium dark and blurry. The  fans were nothing other than vague outlines who gasped and pointed at her. Suara could never see her. She couldn't see any of them. They were nothing. Juana turned and looked at Suara,

“You lied!” she screamed. Security was rushing up onto stage, rushing at her. Suara looked terrified. No recognition was in her eyes. “It’s me.” said Juana as she stumbled and nearly fell. Tears began to form in her eyes. She pointed at the crowd “You lied to all of us,” she said. Juana ran towards Suara, running awkwardly, half stumbling half galloping. She searched her mind for Suara, but that distinctive feeling in her chest when she sought her was gone. Security reached for her but she continued to move towards Suara who stood frozen looking at the young girl. Juana needed to touch her, it was all she could think. That would restore their connection. A security guard grabbed Suara and began to pull her off stage but Juana lurched for her and grabbed hold of her arms, clutching them like a life vest. She clung to her as Suara was whisked away begging to feel something. No feeling emerged except for the feeling of the blood that ran from Sarua’s forearm to the underside of Juana’s fingernails. Juana closed her eyes and focused all her power on speaking to Suara but nothing came to her. Her grip loosened, a guard pulled her off of Sarua and Sarua was whisked away behind a wall of tall men. Juana collapsed on the stage. She laid limp as a security guard dragged her off stage, all the while alternating between mutters and screams, begging for Suara  to come back. “She’s not coming back,” one security guard said, looking down at the blubbering girl. “You ruined the entire concert.” 

“No, not the concert,” the girl said. “I need her with ME again.” As she was pulled off stage, she looked out at the hazy outlines of the fans and thought  now, she was just like them.