The Train to Hope

Dasha stares out the train window and reflects on the last two years, wondering if life will ever be the same again. She packed everything she owned in the small suitcase stored above her seat and spent her last dollar on the train ticket to Poland. She leaves behind death, destruction, poverty, and war in exchange for uncertainty, hope, and a potential future. When the Russians invaded Ukraine, they demolished buildings, killed civilians, and wreaked havoc on every aspect of everyday life. For a long time, she felt like she would be able to wait it out, stand her ground and push through it. That was until her husband, Alex, was killed in the last bombing a few days ago. 

Fear overwhelms her as she thinks about what is waiting for her at the last train stop. She has never been to Poland and knows no one there. Where will she sleep? What will she eat? She hasn't a dollar to her name and only the clothes on her back. The items in her suitcase are only sentimental tokens, physical remembrances of her previous life, a picture of her and Alex, a Ukrainian Vyshyvanka, and other mementos from her past. Her eyes glaze over as she stares out the window, heavy with worry. The train begins to move; no turning back now. 

Alex was the love of her life and the only person she had ever been able to count on. They first met fifteen years ago when Dasha was moved to his orphanage in Sumy, a small city near the Russian border. Family life outside of the orphanage had been something neither of them had experienced. Social services placed her in the orphanage at only six months old. She has no memory of her life before that and has lived in three different orphanages. 

Dasha's mother had a terrible drinking problem and was unfit and unwilling to take care of her. Her father had never been in the picture. When she was seven years old, she met her for the first and only time. It was a strange meeting; her dark, cold eyes held no emotion, no love, and no remorse. Dasha always felt like her reasoning for coming was to decide if she was worth changing for. She never returned. For years she blamed herself for her mother not wanting her.

 Alex's family tragically died in a house fire when he was only two years old. When they first met, even as school-aged kids, it was instant love at first site. He had no memory of his family, and everything he knew about them was regurgitated from his file at Social Services. He always considered this a personal failure, having spent two years of his life with them. Dasha regularly reminded him that most memories start at around age six and that he couldn't recall anything from such a young age. 

The train slows to a stop, the door opens, and the only movement is people getting on the train, filling up the last remaining seats. No one gets off. In another couple of hours, they will officially be in Poland, leaving behind everything she has ever known, most of which is now only dust. Dasha briefly looks around the train, trying not to make eye contact, and notices several children on the train alone. Tears swell up in her eyes, returning her gaze to the window. How many more children will be orphaned because of this war?

Alex and Dasha swore they would never leave Ukraine when the war started. They were Patriots, and Alex proudly went to fight against the Russians. No one thought the war would go on this long or that the Russians would purposely target civilians. She often wondered how the world could view such atrocities and do nothing. What would he think of her leaving now? She couldn't bare the thought and prayed he would understand that there was nothing left for her in Ukraine. 

As a kid, life was difficult growing up in an orphanage. People came and went, and no one looked out for you, only for themselves. Alex and Dasha did everything together and could always count on each other, even on the darkest days. When Children would get adopted or have their families come and visit them, it was a happy time for their friends but personally painful. Alex held her when she cried, gave her his extra food when she was hungry, and often talked about how they would leave and start their own family one day. Dasha knows she would have never survived that without him. 

When they turned sixteen, they were sent to trade school. This was a terrible place with disgusting living quarters, and people were always outside trying to take advantage of teenagers. Alex and Dasha held tight to each other and finished their studies as best they could. Many friends got sucked into statistical hellholes like early pregnancy, suicide, prostitution, and drug dealing. This wasn't what they wanted for their life together, and as much as they wished to have a family, they knew that stability had to come first. 

After surviving trade school, Dasha was interested in pursuing a career that helped facilitate adoptions. With an influx of orphanages around the country, this kind of job was in high demand. More importantly, every adoption she helped facilitate would be one less child having to live through what she did. Believing that a career with a personal passion is unstoppable, she told Alex about her plans and convinced him to join her. With their history, how could they possibly fail?

While working side jobs and errands for an adoption agency, they focused hard on developing their English and Italian language skills. Once they became fluent, they moved up into the facilitation position. Here is where Dasha and Alex worked directly with real families and children through difficult and sometimes gut-wrenching situations. The more complicated the case, the more Dasha pushed to find a solution. Never once putting her personal life first. Thankfully, Alex shared her same passion for the job and was alongside her every step of the way.

Dasha and Alex's careers demanded much of their personal life. It involved constant travel and late nights, making having a family of their own very difficult. Looking back now, Dasha regrets not having children. Not only would she not be alone now, but she would also have a small piece of Alex left in the world. Her eyes began to swell as she gulped down the sorrow building in the back of her throat. Dasha had never been genuinely alone for the last fifteen years. The thought of starting over without him in a strange place paralyzed her. 

She turned her gaze back to the interior of the train. The attendant was a few rows in front of her, passing out hot tea and cookies. To her right, three rows back, she noticed a little boy who looked to be about nine years old. He had his head propped up with his hand and elbow, staring down at the floor. The other children talked amongst themselves and played games; he paid no attention to them. His dirty blonde hair was disheveled, and his clothes were deeply worn. Suddenly, he lifted his head up, and his bright green eyes stared back at her.

Before the war started, Alex and Dasha began to have more serious conversations about having a child of their own. Alex was kind, playful, and protective with all the children they had worked with; undoubtedly, she knew he would be an incredible father. They had bought a car, rented a two-bedroom apartment, and finally saved enough money to support more than just themselves. The global pandemic slowed their workload, and they often found themselves at home. The timing was close to perfect, and the more they spoke about it, the more the idea of being a mother excited her. 

Looking into those bright green eyes, Dasha couldn't help but notice how familiar they felt. It seemed like she was looking into the eyes of someone she had known her whole life. The bright green color was almost identical to the ones she had sought refuge in for the last fifteen years. Mesmerized, she held his gaze for what seemed like forever. Abruptly, Dasha jerked her head back to the window. Questions riddled her mind. Who was this boy? Where did he come from? Why does he seem so familiar? She shivered, feeling as if she'd seen a ghost. 

The world was starting to open up again, and the pandemic was coming to an end. The Russians had been "staging" military equipment on the border of Ukraine for months. Still, no one thought that Putin would actually order an invasion. After all, everyone was confident that if he did invade, the world would stand up and stop him. Ukrainians carried on with their lives, not convinced that all of their realities would soon change for the worst. 

Hopes of starting a family quickly dwindled as the first bombs fell. Alex wanted to immediately join Ukrainian forces at the front lines, but Dasha begged him not to go. He hung around the house for a few months, watching as their cities were decimated. Eventually, he had had enough, and she knew she would be unable to hold him back any longer. On August 17, 2022, Alex officially enlisted in the Ukrainian Army. Dasha only saw him once more before he died in a bombing at the end of September. That day his bright green, loving eyes closed forever, and the hopes and dreams of their future together would never come to pass. 

She peered over her shoulder once more at the little boy behind her. He was staring at the floor again, unmoved by the unruly kids around him. The seat next to him was empty, most likely the only open seat on the entire train. She contemplated moving closer to him, confused as to why she was so drawn to him. Knowing that the train would soon reach its destination, something inside her urged her to her feet, and she began walking down the aisle in his direction. 

"Is this seat taken?" she asked softly. The boy looked up, and his bright green eyes met hers again. "No," he said, "I am alone." Tears filled the bottom of his eyelids, and she could feel the pain in his heart as he quickly looked away again. "Do you mind if I sit down?" she asked. He shook his head no and moved his feet to the side so that she could pass by him. She sat down next to him, and with an unsteady voice, she said, "My name is Dasha and I, too, am alone."

He looked at her and gave her a weak smile, "My name is Kostya, and I am eleven years old. Where are you alone? Where is your family?" he asked. He looked too young to be eleven but sounded wise beyond his years. Again she swallowed the lump in her throat, her voice shaking, "My husband died in the war. He was the only family I have ever had." His green eyes flashing with pain, he said, "My dad died in the war, and my mother died giving birth to me." The weight of his loss overtook him, and he threw his head into his lap and began to sob. 

Without thinking, she placed her arm around him and pulled him close. He cried until his little body had no more energy and fell asleep in her arms. 

She looked down at Kostya. His precious innocence was not lost on her. He needed her, and in many ways, she needed him. She knew that somewhere, on the other side, Alex had something to do with this meeting. Even in death, he was with her. Dasha had no idea how everything would work itself out, but she knew deep in her soul Kostya now belonged to her. She would do everything she could to protect him and be the mother he never had.

The train rolled to its final stop in Poland. Kostya opened his eyes, yawning, still groggy from many sleepless, tear-filled nights. They locked eyes, and she was in awe of the love that was already felt between them. She reached down, grabbed the little boy's hand, and he looked up at her with a smile. Something told her his smile was the first of many more to come. She squeezed his hand and smiled back at him, "We aren't alone anymore." Together they exited the train and walked into their new lives.