A Picture's Worth a Thousand Feelings

I ran my fingers over the worn leather of the photo album laying at my bare feet. In my parent’s dark living room, the fire gave the auburn cover’s edges a vignetted glow that mirrored the burning feeling in my chest.

Moments passed and I still sat there fumbling the corner of it as the flames widely crackled and popped beside me. I wanted to open it but I knew if I did, I would be releasing the truth and confirming the weight of its reality.

It felt surreal to feel this way now after seemingly so much time had passed. Six months ago, I wouldn’t have even bothered with the album and if I had seen it on my parents’ coffee table, I would’ve subconsciously registered it as mere decoration. 

But six months ago, my heart was stone cold and silent while my head was loud. I had tunnel vision and was only focused on going off to college and absorbing every ounce of the experience. My drive to end things with Pierce was fueled by what college might promise me. But as the summer turned to fall and then to winter in a foreign place with foreign people, my fire burnt out and left me with heartbreak that outweighed the excitement I’d clung to tenfold.

So here I was. On the floor of my parent’s living room in the city I’d left Pierce in six months ago. I’d told my mom I’d focus better if I studied for my finals at home when in actuality I’d already finished a majority of my classes for the semester. The truth was that I’d just felt so alone. Despite having made friends and living out the traditional American college experience, it felt incomplete and empty.

It took me time to realize what this gnawing feeling was. I’d thought it was the mere want to have a college boyfriend but when I’d gone out with a couple of guys I’d met on campus, it became clear to me that it was Pierce specifically who was missing. 

After I realized it, I found myself withdrawing from my social life despite my best efforts. My friends were great and I was thankful to have met them so quickly, but I didn’t feel like I could fully be myself around them. It was like I was someone I didn’t recognize and didn’t even know if I liked. At its worst, it was an out of body experience that felt like leaving a party wearing someone else’s coat. 

And in those moments, that’s when my mind would go to Pierce. Pierce understood me on a deeper level. He understood my soul. And not only that, he made my soul feel so seen and so special in a way that no one else ever could. Throughout the time we were together, I knew that it was love. I knew that we cared about each other deeply. But what I didn’t realize was how deep it actually was. 

The fire let out a loud crack and pulled me back to the present. I closed my tired green eyes and let my black hair fall down my back as I slowly rolled my neck. I stood up and headed to my bedroom with the album in hand.

When I got to my room, I turned on the white Christmas lights my mom had strung around the corners of my room and sat down on the white shag carpet. I took a deep breath and ran my hand over the cover one last time before taking the plunge. 

And there it was. The relationship I’d desperately wanted out of in the hopes of finding something better. I felt the warming sensation of tears pooling in my eyes as I studied the page. He never even gave me a reason to look for something better and that was clear in this photo. The way his arms came down from behind me and held me like he never wanted to let go. The way he looked at me. With delicate creases at the corners of his pale gray eyes that peeked through the side of his glasses and a toothy smile that had a softness to it, almost as if to say that he had found bliss. It was here, and it wasn’t even me trying to read into things or put myself on a pedestal. It was in his energy and the way it exuded as love in this photo.

I forced myself to turn to the next page as tears silently streamed down my cheeks.

The next photo was us in my parents’ living room almost exactly a year ago. The Christmas tree stood in the corner and knit stockings lined the roaring fireplace as Pierce and I danced in front of it in our plaid pajamas. He was holding his arm above my head as I stood halfway through a twirl beneath it. Those same delicate creases and warm smile painted his face as he watched me while my own smile was wide with laughter. My eyes drifted off the page to the carpet as I wondered what Christmas would look like for him this year. Who he would spend it with. If he’d dance to classic Christmas music with them like we did.

I turned to the next photo and let out a sharp gasp. It was my 18th birthday. He’d taken me to Laurel Woods Park, an open grass meadow that was overtaken by little white, purple, and yellow wildflowers every spring. He packed us a picnic and baked me a beautiful cake with wildflowers pressed into its sides. In the photo, I’m holding the camera so it faces us while he kisses my cheek with closed eyes. I remember the way he told me he loved me just before the photo was taken. He’d run a hand gently down my cheek and held my chin as his eyes met mine. They were wide and he held my gaze for a long moment as if to make sure I was fully listening.

“Grace, I never want to be without you. I love you. Please never forget that.”

I brought my hands to my face and began to loudly sob as the weight of the memory fell onto my chest. I was crying so hard I was shaking and didn’t even hear the footsteps coming from the hall.

“Honey,” I heard my mom say as she gently opened my bedroom door. She quickly sat down beside me and pulled me into her arms. A rush of gardenia flooded my nose and the comfort and familiarity of her embrace forced out another audible sob.

It wasn’t just Pierce I missed, but my family too. Being an only child made me and my mom so close. I hadn’t realized just how much I missed her until she pulled away from the hug. Her hazel eyes were wide with worry as she studied my wet face. Her gaze moved to the album that sat open in my lap and back up to my face.

A knowing and sympathetic expression came over her as she tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear.

“He’s still sous-chef at Sakti’s. He actually came to say hello to me and your dad the other night when we had dinner there.” I sniffled and looked down into my lap as she spoke.

“He asked how you were doing, you know.” My head perked up. “He still cares about you, Grace. I could see it in his eyes.” She tilted her head and smiled gently.

My words were stuck in my throat and I didn’t even want to say them out loud. I’d felt so ashamed for just throwing him away like our relationship was nothing. But I wanted him to know that it wasn’t nothing to me. I wanted to be in his arms again. I wanted to go back in time and never let him go.

“You should talk to him while you’re in town,” Mom said, reading my mind.

“I’m scared,” I croaked. “After the way I ended things, I don’t feel like I have the right to even see him.”

She cupped my hands in hers and looked into my eyes. “Then at least apologize. And if he doesn’t accept it, you can live knowing you tried to make it right.”

I sniffled again before she pulled me in for another hug. I held onto her for a while. I’d lost Pierce, but I didn’t want to lose my mom either. I knew I hadn’t called enough and assumed she’d understood but realizing how purposefully I’d ignored her put my stomach in knots.

“I’m sorry to you too, Mom. I’m sorry I haven’t called more.” I said, my voice sounding like it was underwater. She kissed the side of my head and held my hands.

“Thank you. I missed my girl.” She helped me to my feet and tucked me into bed. “Goodnight, Grace. I love you always,” she said before closing the door.

I sobbed quietly into my pillow until I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up, I laid still on my back, staring up at the glow in the dark stars I’d taped to my ceiling when I was six. 

Once I finally decided to get out of bed, I took a long shower and let the hot water run down my face. My reflection matched exactly how I was feeling. My eyes sagged in the corners and dark circles pooled around them while my olive skin looked pale. I decided to attempt some makeup to appear somewhat put together.

I met mom in the kitchen on my way out. Her fleece pajama bottoms were covered in pink and white snowflakes and peeked out from the bottom of her plush white robe.

“I’m going to head over to Sakti’s to see if he’s working,” I said, looking down at my coat as I fidgeted with the bottom button. Mom sighed and put her hand on my arm.

“Just speak from your heart, honey,” she said in her soft voice. She pressed her lips into a gentle smile before releasing my arm and sending me on my way.

When I pulled into Sakti’s, the lot was mostly empty since the restaurant didn’t open until the afternoon. But when I saw his gray Corolla parked in the distance, my stomach dropped. I hadn’t been in remotely the same place as him in so long and knowing we were both within feet of each other made reality feel like a fever dream. I debated turning around as I looked down and twisted my boot into the small patch of snow. Then I heard a car door close.

“Grace?” Pins and needles ran down my back and I shot straight up, looking around for him. And then, there he was.

His wavy black hair was longer now and peeked out from the bottom of his beanie. He had a new pair of glasses, a browline style that were black at the top and accentuated his thick eyebrows and pale gray eyes. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his navy coat as he approached me. My body froze and my eyes went wide. 

“What’re you doing here?” He asked. His low voice sounded like the worn leather of the photo album. It was warm and raspy and I wanted to curl up in it.

“Grace?” He asked. I realized I was just standing there, frozen and mute.

“Sorry,” I said, letting out a nervous laugh and softly shaking my head. “I’m just in town visiting my parents. I wanted to study for finals at home. The dorms are a little noisy and the library is packed during finals week.”

“Oh, well, I mean what are you doing here? Sakti’s doesn’t open for another two hours. You know that.” He said it almost chuckling before crossing his arms and tilting his head. I felt my cheeks burn as he studied me. I folded my lips over themselves and took a deep breath before forcing out the words.

“I was actually looking for you.”

“Oh,” he paused. “What for?”

We stood there staring at each other. I studied his face and he seemed somehow both foreign and familiar. The longer I looked, I realized I couldn’t read his expression entirely. He was tense but there was also something soft that I couldn’t quite interpret.

“I wanted to apologize for how I ended things in the summer and for hurting you. And for taking our relationship for granted. You have no reason to accept my apology and I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t, but I needed you to know how sorry I am and how much I regret it.”

As soon as the words left my mouth it was as if a fire was lit beneath me. I wanted to say more before he could speak and blow out my flame. 

“I also wanted to say that I miss you. I miss you so much and I’m an idiot for letting you go. What we had was the best thing to ever happen to me and I hate myself for throwing it away and ruining it. You are the love of my life and I was too focused on the wrong things to see what was right in front of me. I know it’s not okay for me to say all of this to you now, but I needed to tell you. I needed to. I need you.” Hot tears began to stream down my cheeks as I stood there panting.

His face still had a tense expression that I couldn’t read but he reached out and held my hands. They were warm and just how I remembered – soft with rough patches at his knuckles from his work in the kitchen.

“Grace,” he started. “I don’t know what to say. And I hate to do this but I have to get in there to prep for the holiday rush or John’s going to be pissed.”

I sniffled and looked up into his eyes. A soft smile played on the corner of his lip before he said, “Why don’t I come by after my shift and we can talk.”

“Okay,” I said a little too quickly.

“I’ll see you tonight, I’ll text you when I get off.”

I nodded and watched him walk into the restaurant.

It was around eleven at night by the time he texted me that he was on his way over. I bundled up in my green puffy coat and met him on the porch.

“Thanks for coming,” I said, as Pierce walked up the steps.

“Of course.”

“Look, Pierce. I know I didn’t have a right to say any of that to you,” I started to say.

“Grace,” he stopped me. “You broke my heart when you left. And what sucks is I was still happy for you. Happy that you were going off to college like you’d always wanted. I just thought I’d be a part of it and then when I wasn’t, it felt like our relationship had been nothing to you.”

Hearing him confirm how badly I’d hurt him felt like an anvil falling on my chest and made tears prick the backs of my eyes.

“You just left. Like I was nothing. Like we were nothing. You were my world. And ever since you’ve left it’s felt like all of the joy has been sucked out of it.”

“Pierce, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. I hate myself for it. And I hate that you think that I thought we were nothing. Things aren’t the same without you. You are the first person I want to tell anything to. The person I want to experience all of what life has to offer with. All those things I thought I wanted mean nothing without you by my side. All I want is to be yours again.”

His eyes became watery and he looked down at his worn sneakers. 

“Pierce, please say something.”

“It’s not that easy, Grace. I have never stopped loving you no matter how hard I’ve tried to move on. But you hurt me. How do I know you wouldn’t up and leave me again?” 

The tears had begun to run down his face and his pale gray eyes were white with anger and hurt. I wished now more than ever I could see those soft creases peek from the corners of his eyes and feel that bliss that washed over his face in the photo album.

“Because leaving you was the worst mistake I’ve ever made and I never want to be without you ever again. I’ve experienced life without you and know what that’s like, how empty it feels, and I never want to feel that way again. I will do anything to prove that to you and I will never stop trying to make it right.”

We stood there, staring at each other, panting. Our cheeks were red and flushed from the cold and our emotions. I found the courage to reach out for his hands and held them tightly. His thumbs moved gently over my fingers as he looked up at me.

“I missed you, Grace. So much. I just need some time, okay?” He asked.

“Okay,” I said, almost as a whisper. 

We continued to stand there, looking into each other’s eyes, holding each other’s hands. But it was more than that to me. It felt like my heart was walking a tightrope and I was holding on to him and what we could be for support. And if we let go, my heart would plummet to the ground. 

So we stood there, holding hands as I held on to hope.