My Journey

The warm, sandy wind is hurling around me, blowing my hair in my face and plucking my clothes. There’s no way of telling where the ground ends and the sky begins. The rock is supporting me, holding me up, the sky embracing me. The enormousness of the distance around me makes me feel like a speck of dust in the vast universe, small, insignificant and yet, bigger and taller than I have ever been before.

We’re here in America for our honeymoon, Fred and I, but it hasn’t been a walk in the park, so to say. He managed to ruin every moment that should have made it wonderful.

The first few months with Fred were a dream. He came over every single night, just to be with me, and he always brought me flowers or presents. He was my soulmate, everything I ever wanted in a man, and even more. So, when he asked me to marry him, I couldn’t be happier! The few weeks in the run-up to our wedding day, he started to change, ever so slightly. I thought he was nervous for the wedding, so I didn’t think anything of it, but here on our honeymoon I saw a totally different Fred.

A few days before, we were camping in a small forest, in the middle of nowhere, but fairly close to the ocean. The sun was turning the sky into the most beautiful painting I’d ever seen. The candy cane pink was playing next to copper and apricot orange, embracing a small, fluffy cloud. Tingles were running up and down my spine. In my enthusiasm I didn’t even think about the way I spoke to Fred.

‘Let’s take the car and go to the ocean. Let’s watch the sunset!’

He looked at me sideways for a brief moment, his face all twitched in annoyance, and he immediately looked back at his phone again.

‘You know I don’t like that non-sense. You’d better worry about fixing dinner.’

I scratched my neck and bit my lip as I tried to hide my damp eyes. My fingers trembled a bit as I got the frying pan out and I huddled by the stove for a while, wearing silence as my shroud.

Halfway dinner, Fred suddenly broke the icy quiet.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t want to see this beautiful sunset, you must have been really hungry!’

The warm tones in his voice shook me to the core. My mouth fell open and snapped closed again. Lightning struck my stomach. How could he have misunderstood me again? It felt like everything I said got twisted. Suddenly hope bubbled inside of me as I looked up at the sky: maybe we could still go? But the sight of the ashy gray and dim dark blue, killed each bubble with a venomous stroke of a razor sharp knife. It was too late already. And he knew that.

The next morning at the end of breakfast Fred dangled the car key on his finger.

‘Here, put it in your backpack. You know you are a scatterbrain with stuff. The car is open so we can start packing. I want to leave in an hour, it’s still a four hour drive to Yosemite National Park.’

I felt my gaze shift down as a blush rose on my cheeks. I used to be so well-organized, but since Fred and I were together, I seemed to loose everything. With a bowed head and grinding teeth I took the key and consciously tucked it in the right front pocket. I even made sure the snap button was securely closed.

When everything was packed to go, I grabbed my backpack to take the key out. I felt the blood fall out of my face, only to explode in my belly with a sharp flash. My whole body froze. I was ab-so-lute-ly sure I had put the key in the right front pocket.

‘Can we go already?’

I remained silent and turned my back to Fred. With trembling fingers I started fumbling in the left pocket, only to find it empty. Briskly I opened up the main compartment and started rummaging through my stuff.

‘What is it?’

I immediately felt the temperature drop a few degrees at the tone of his voice.

‘Don’t tell me you lost the key again? Here, give it to me!’

Fred clawed the bag out of my hands, opened the top zipper - a place I would never put a key - and somehow he produced the key.

‘How can you not remember? I saw you put it there with my own eyes! Come on now, let’s go, we’re late as it is.’

We drove for at least a quiet hour, when suddenly I heard my name whispered: “Jessica…”

‘Yes?’

‘What? What is it?’

‘You said my name.’

‘No, I didn’t. You’re imagining things again!’

I took out a handkerchief and started fumbling it, pushing back my tears. I was sure he said my name. This had happened a couple of times before, back home. It made me feel jumpy and uneasy.

‘Jessica…?’

This time I remained silent, convinced I was hearing things again.

‘Jessica!! Why do you ignore me??’

His sharp tone cut right through me.

‘I… What is it??’

‘Don’t you act all surly at me all of the sudden!’ And with a kinder voice: ‘You know you imagine things sometimes, that’s alright. I still love you. Can you pass me the bottle of water, please?’

Suddenly I saw a signpost to a viewpoint.

‘Stop here!’

‘No, we’ll arrive late at the next camping.’

‘I don’t care, I want to get out! Stop the car!’

With a sigh Fred slowed the car down and even before it had completely stopped, I got out.

‘Just wait here. I’ll be back soon. Just… Just leave me for a moment!’

It turned out is was just a few minute hike to the viewpoint and now I’m standing on top of the world, feeling freer than ever before.

Somehow, the wind loosens all my doubts and worries. The wind grabs them and snatches them out of my head.

In my mind, my body, a warm, serene calmness arises. At the same time a prickly electricity rushes from nerve end to nerve end. I spread my arms and feel the energy grow until every cell is filled.

Suddenly clearness starts to glow in my mind. The want, the need to decide for myself, to make up my own mind again.

I feel it’s time to go. If only I could feel like this forever…

‘But I can…!’ I sigh as I wander off the cliff.