An open letter to you

I failed you as a partner. My love was not a creek, overflowing with passion, intimacy, and desire. I took you for granted when you needed me the most. I failed you as a friend. Our connection was strong and unbreakable. Yet, I ruined the bond that took years to build. Most importantly, I failed you as a human. You wanted to feel like you belong and I pushed you away like an outsider. My intentions were never to hurt you, but something was missing from our relationship. We stopped having deep conversations, and life became mundane. We went from romantic partners to roommates. I felt stuck, left to live aimlessly in this marriage. It wasn’t until your father rekindled the spark that it was burnt out. I understand why your love for him is unconditional. He raised you with open arms and a caring heart, something I never experienced in my childhood. He made me feel whole again when the light was fleeting from inside me. The warmth and ease of being in his presence soothed my soul in ways I didn’t know. I felt passion, admiration, and compassion all over again.  The love that was lost, he found so effortlessly. My love, I truly adore you, but your father is the sweetest devotion I know, for when life felt frozen. I said to myself, “why have the copy when I can own the original?”

I fell hard for your father and it nearly ruined me when he passed away. I was so selfish, I failed to see the pain and anguish you went through. He was your everything, while I was just his plaything. When you found out about our affair, I'd never seen such hurt in your eyes; it was like watching glass shatter. You screamed, you cried, you lost your balance, only for me to say, “I’m sorry.” The two most pathetic words in the English language. I couldn’t console you because you saw me differently. I was no longer your partner, but now a stranger. The days afterward felt like absolute agony. I wanted things to go back to normal, but normal no longer existed for us. You got sick of seeing my face. You started packing up your stuff. I pleaded for you to stay because I felt so alone and scared, but the only emotion to come across your face was cold and distant. I not only ruined our relationship, but now I’ve ruined your relationship with your father. I wanted to prove to you I could be better, but the damage was done. You closed the door and walked right out of my life. I ran to you thinking I could redeem myself, but you told me to stay away. I understand I deserved that and you needed time to heal on your own.

 I hope this letter reaches you and you can see it in your heart to forgive me. My mistake did not come from malice towards you, but from lack of intimacy. I was fighting my own battle alone when I should have talked to you. I blamed my actions on your lack of passion for me. I felt like I was living the same day repeatedly. You were okay with that life, but I felt like a prisoner. I had an affair to remind myself of what love feels like: unpredictable, yet passionate. We hear about affairs as the lowest point in our lives, but fail to realize we need to hit rock bottom to really appreciate the small moments. I want you to know that as my love was fleeting, you stood by me when I didn’t notice. The routines that were in place, was what you looked forward to. We would make the bed together and I would see it as a dull chore, but you would see it as a bonding experience. When we cooked together, I felt empty, but you felt satisfied, ready to devour every moment. I was blind to how much joy these tasks brought you because we were a team and you were happy to do this together. I’m sorry I failed to see the beauty in the ordinary.

I hope you are well now and have found someone who appreciates you to the fullest extent. I only wish I could say these words in person, but I know when you walked out of my life, that was the last time you wanted to hear from me again. I wrote this letter for you to provide clarity and an explanation for my actions. However, this letter was really for me to show growth and development of my emotional well-being. Writing these words gave me deeper clarity of my actions and why the consequences had to happen. Our relationship was supposed to be stronger as the years went on, but I slipped away romantically. I thought marriage was the finish line for a “happy ever after,” but I realized that relationships are like plants; they still need care, love, and attention after they have fully bloomed. I’m learning to grow as a person by being honest with myself and with others. I wish I was honest with you, because the future may have looked differently. Yet, here we are, being strangers once again. I’m sorry I wasn’t the partner for you. I was wrong to put you in that position and you deserve much better. I hope time has given you a chance to forgive me for my mistakes. I was a coward and a liar who needed to work on myself. I’m sorry for how I tarnished the last few memories you had of your father. You have every right to avoid me, but I need you to know, I will always love you. I will always think about you fondly and how our bond was possible because your love was unconditional. If you made it this far through the letter, I hope you think of me and we can reconnect once again.