If A = B Then What...

I don’t remember how the conversation started or why we were talking about it even, but when he offered me a chance to try weed in exchange for a blow job, I stopped.  The thought was tempting, not the weed part but the sexual interaction.  I had to think about it really hard because it would be my first time and I was unsure of the current situation.

We were in math class together and the only two that were in it.  I was doing very well in this class because it was so easy for me.  Our teacher had a habit of leaving the classroom for long stretches of time. I can only guess he went to the staff lounge for coffee and stayed to talk.

It was at this point that I had a choice, go through with it or not.  I really wanted to just be held and feel like I had something to my life to make it interesting.  I also just wanted to be accepted and wanted by those around me and not be alone anymore. 

Looking out the window, I weighed the choices in my mind.  Thinking about how others seemed to be more relaxed and free, I realized that was what I truly wanted.  So deciding to break free from my cage, I looked back at him.

“Bobby that sounds like a tempting offer,” I say as I start towards him, “but what I want is to just feel wanted.” I lean in to give him a kiss. He turns his head, as I get close, and instead of kissing his cheek like I mean to, I feel his lips meet mine.  As we are lip locked, he reaches up with both hands placing them around my waist and pulls me into his lap.  I put my arms around his shoulders and press into him.

After what seemed like an hour of making out, he pulls back and looks me in the eye.  “Yes, I want you, right now,” he says with a lustful passion in his voice, “but I think there’s something you’re not telling me.  I‘ve heard rumors about your past, but this is not what I was expecting from that girl.”

I felt the blood drain from my face.  How could that story still exist?  But I did make it seem very true.  What do I say?  How do I make him see the truth?

“Are you okay?”

I shake my head to fight back the tears, “Yeah, I just don’t know what to say,” I stammer out.

He pulls me back into a firm and gentle embrace. I stay there while my heart cries out all the hurt. I don’t want to move. I don’t want this gentleness to stop.

“It’s not true,” I mutter, and he seems to hear me.

“If you want to tell me, I will listen.”

I remain silent for a few minutes, not sure how or what words to say.  Then I feel my time is too short, and I sit up and look at the clock. Only five minutes before the bell rings, not nearly enough time to tell him but enough time to be with him.  “It’s too long of a story to tell you right now.  After school though, if you let me.  I do want to tell you.” I stand and make my way back to my desk to get my things together.  I wait to hear some excuse that will relieve me of my offer.

I felt his hand on my lower back.  I turn into another embrace that both scares and comforts me.

“I want to hear it. I’ve come to care about you and want to be with you.  If you want to give me a chance, I promise you won’t regret it.”

I nod in response and turn to continue to gather my things. He does the same. I head to the door. The bell rings and I feel his hand on my back as he escorts me through the door into the mad rush of students changing classes.  I lose him before I get to my locker.  It doesn't matter though because the last class I have, he doesn't. There was only one class period before school was out.

I start thinking over everything that just happened and how to tell him about “The Lie” that is circulating around the school.  I get to my class in a daze, how I managed to not trip or stumble still amazes me.  The class would be boring if I was a normal kid but today I just wasn't there.  I'm glad that the teacher didn't bother me much because what I was thinking about had nothing to do with History.  I don't think anyone noticed, which suited me fine.  I was anticipating seeing him again, so much that the class never seemed to end.

I thought of what the truth was behind “The Lie”, and then remembered what I told my “friends”.  How can I call anyone a friend when I tell them something personal and it becomes a rumor that ruins me?  “The Lie” had its truth, but I really wanted to make that disappear, so I'm not going to say it ever again.  Not even here.  The only reason I said what I did was to fit in with these girls that I wanted to have something in common with.  I held their secrets and didn't share them with a soul.

What business is it of anyone's of a past that doesn’t involve them?  A person's past is what makes them who they are.  But because a certain event made someone a certain away, doesn't mean that every person who has a similar event is going to be just like the other.  Example: two girls go to summer camp; one enjoys it, and even though gets poison ivy and cut up and bruised, goes back every year; the other isn't so lucky she tips in a canoe, nearly drowns, and slips on the climbing wall, breaks her arm, and she never goes back and dreads when people suggest it.

My mind kept going over it, again and again. I had to keep reminding myself that even though I was really anxious for more of his touch, I need to figure out how to tell him the truth of my past. The truth was I made up that story to fit in or to not seem like such a loser.  I hoped he would believe me.

When the bell finally rang, I packed my things up in a fog of thoughts.  I know what I have to correct but doing so will be hard.  I make it to my locker and stare into it.  I can't seem to think if I had any homework in any classes.  Will he accept what I say and not force me to be who I don't want to be?  I arrange my books so that they are in order for Monday morning.  If I don't do any homework this weekend it wouldn't be the end of the world, except a little more work later, which I was used to.  I do take from my locker my coat and purse, which has nothing in them that deals with schoolwork.

I head off down the hall playing out what is going to happen at his truck.  I play through five different situations before I get there.  My mind starts racing. What if he changed his mind? Was this such a good idea?  I think about walking home. My feet didn’t respond to the abandonment of going to his truck.

I got to his truck before he did.  I was relieved because it gave me some time to calm myself and get my mind thinking right.  If I was not being rushed into a very difficult conversation, it was enough to make me giddy with excitement.

I turned around to look for him and saw him round the corner of a bus.  He wasn’t alone, one of the guys that I’d seen him, pal, around with frequently was right beside him.  Bobby looked at me and smiled, his friend smiled but it was a greedy, lustful smile.

What did he think he knew and what had he been told?  What did they expect of me? Did I have to tell them both?  I can’t talk to more than one person at a time, my social skills being what they were, and I was deathly shy of talking anyway.

***

If only that’s how the story really did go...

***

I don’t remember how the conversation started or why we were talking about it even, but when he offered me a chance to try weed in exchange for a blow job, I stopped.  The thought was tempting, not the weed part but the sexual interaction.  I had to think about it really hard because it would be my first time and I was unsure of the current situation.

We were in math class together and the only two that were in it.  I was doing very well in this class because it was so easy for me.  Our teacher had a habit of leaving the classroom for long stretches of time. I can only guess he went to the staff lounge for coffee and stayed to talk.

It was at this point that I had a choice, go through with it or not.  I really wanted to just be held and feel like I had something to my life to make it interesting.  I also just wanted to be accepted and wanted by those around me and not be alone anymore. 

Looking out the window, I weighed the choices in my mind.  My shyness and fear of making bad choices took over.  I turned and just smiled at him. I can’t no matter how much I really want to.