My window, I was just a blank sheet
Now, my window has disappeared, the window that used to be where I looked out when it was raining, while sitting on one of chairs’ handrail next to it. Chairs made of teak, which I used to think were worthless, because the colorful couches at my friends’ house were softer and more valuable. But now I see that chairs displayed in someone’s big house porch who happens to be the owner of teak furniture near my rent residence.
Wow! Then a thought came to pay a visit, how valuable the chair was, even though it's only covered in foam and brown synthetic leather upholstery. I felt betrayed and cheated, but I was just a kid then. Forgiveness came to calm myself.
My window, from there I stared out; from there I enjoyed the rain falling on the rocks. All have disappeared, gone. But one thing that never goes away, when it rains I still feel the feeling. Rain for me is very shady and inspiring when I confine myself in my house or stayed around the yard. Rain for me has always been a blessing, even though I get annoyed sometimes when it’s raining for too long while I was outside of the house. Upset for not being able to go home to enjoy it from my window.
I was a little kid; a creature with a blank sheet. Looking at the world as massively huge, let alone the world, I considered that my small yard was far from enough to play. My house that extended to the back was long enough for my little feet to go through. Likewise, the road around my house was very long and wide when I passed it on foot or on my BMX bike. Now, it becomes too shallow, after having seen cities’ big road.
My mind was only filled with playing and learning. My soul was always interested in new things. It was always exciting to see people around me joking and talking about something while laughing. When my brother spoke words in a foreign language would make me sat still and listening. Imitated the sounds produced while sitting by my window. Attracted by them that was strange to my ears. When music was played, I tried to absorb the melody, then the words and the tune. Often I would fight over playing music with my two older brothers who were few years older than me because we had different tastes of music, while only one tape recorder afforded in the house.
Though the window blocked me out from bigger scenery, nature was my playground. Gardens, hills, rivers, plains, all I went through with my friends. Got sick a lot from playing in the hot sun, swimming in the river for hours, and playing in the dirt with worms I couldn't see. What could I do? I didn't understand taking care of my health. Not even had any thoughts about my future life. Growing up agreeing to the nature's wishes, of course I can't refuse. I was just a blank white sheet.
Toddlers and little children are interesting human being; Love carrying children who almost the same weight as me. One day, I fell and sprained my hand because of this. Then the masseuse treated me that made me cursed her back because it was hurt so badly when I got massaged. How such words could came out of my little mouth? I must have heard it from all around me, from adults who didn't understand that I could pick up words and put them as mine at lightning speed. Remember, I was just a blank sheet.
When I was very little, people around told that they used to tease and talk to me because they liked to hear the wrong pronunciation of a toddler’s respond which they found it funny. I said a word of food with the wrong pronunciation which turned it in to something that was embarrassing to say. Adults enjoyed it and laugh at me.
There are lots of neighbors around my house. One that I often longed for was my next-door neighbor who worked as a cotton candy maker. Kept him accompanied, waiting for him till midnight, only to be given some of the unsold cotton candies or the leftovers from the candy pot. Sugar that hardened on the sides of the pot was so delightful. I waited for him to clean the rest of the pan. Today, he is someone that I want to thank for being so nice.
This next-door neighbor was of a different ethnicity than me, they used to live in a rented-small-wood house owned by my grandmother. Sometimes I heard people around me saying words that were difficult for me to interpret, but I could see his family reactions of being spoken like that. I felt sorry for the jokes some people conveyed to my neighbor, because they were mixed with ridicule. But I was small, I didn't understand, apparently it still clearly remains in my mind.
I grew up on my own, rarely got advice from my parents or those around me. At my age, I don't remember much of the advice given to me, other than study hard; don't take other people's things. The last advice fitted my name’s meaning which I understood the meaning as ‘Straight Path’, which my parents provided it the day I was born. But not long, until was changed by the school during the admission at primary school. My name suddenly transformed, now it has been stuck with me. My mother never had a problem with it, because it was difficult to restore it, too much for a middle-age lady to handle.
Well, you see, growing has brought different process and meaning to one’s life. Ahh, another story to tell, the next phase of life is no less interesting. My window, that’s me when I was little, a blank sheet on which anything could be written, which made me becomes someone or nobody in the future.
My window, where have you gone? I let go of you, though you are always in my mind.