A mind of its Own

Authors note: I admit, I definitely decided to take a twist on the prompt. Yes, It does start in darkness, and yes, it does end in light. But, in this particular piece of writing, I start in the darkness and depths of my mind and end in the light charming thoughts. Join me in this poetic, first-person narrative, piece, as I take a walk through my mind and discover myself.

“You can't change what you refuse to confront.” John Spence once said. “But can I confront the things I can’t change?” I ask myself.  “ God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Sound Familiar? All my life I have been told that “I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.” I, at a point in my life, was lost. Still there. Still trying. Still growing and striving; trying to figure out who I am, and what I believe. At this time, I was not friends with my creator, Christ. I needed to take a look inside of myself. Take a look at my weaknesses and retaliate them into strengths. Everyone makes mistakes, but what matters is how you, as a person, choose to fix them. The difference between chance and choice...

As I enter, it seems hollow at first. I’m immediately swallowed by darkness. Water flows swiftly past my feet. The water is shallow, but I still can’t see my feet. My feet are covered in negative thoughts. Words that get to me. As I walk forward, the water continues to grow deeper. Eventually, I’m swimming, soon to be drowning in these negative thoughts(mostly because I can’t even swim.)  As I’m “swimming,” the words “You’re not good enough” are flowing past me. “You’re ugly” and  “You don’t belong,” all calmly and swiftly flowing past me. I can’t touch the ground, that I once stood on. It takes my might to not become fully consumed by these thoughts. Unfortunately, I cave. I’m reluctantly consumed by darkness.  The darkness feels like never-ending falling. I long in desperation for breath. Eventually, I stopped. The water disappears, and I’m in mid-air. Tears roll in sync down my eyes.

I can’t move. Just stuck in the air. The air that seconds prior, I longed for. Spotlight of light is blared upon me. Revealing me and separating me from complete darkness. Abruptly, numbers appear out of the darkness... They began to surround me. They viciously circle me. This is where my education resides. My awareness of the world around me. I see 11/18. My mom’s birthday. I see 12/07/06. Blake. The numbers begin to get overwhelming. I get the strength to fight against the force that holds me in the air. I’m able to move, but as soon as I swat a number away, I fall. “Ouch” I mumble to myself, in great agony. Despite my immediate injury, I notice a door to the left of me. The spotlight that once illuminated me, moves quickly towards the red wooden door. The door begins to rapidly spin in a wide circle motion, stopping on the right of me. In a guss of confusion, I slowly began to stand up, completely ignoring the agony. As I continue to get closer, I notice gold lighting coming from the door as it slowly and slightly opens. 

reach the red door. I reach my hand on its fine wood, pushing the cracked door fully open. I open the door to be united with an all-white room. No stains on the wall or the floor. Suddenly, brown words appear on the wall. Bible verses. The words “When a door closes, a new one opens” illuminate the room in gold. It glows. Around those very words is Corinthians 5:17, “ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come, the old has gone, the new is here!.” Ecclesiastes 3:1, “ There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” As I walk forward, a trail of water that I once drowned in, leaves my tracks. I walk up to the gleaming words and softly touch them. When I touch them, I’m taken through a loop of my fears and Intimidations.

 Although the loop seems never-ending, it begins to come to a slow stop. The imitation of confused races across my face. The thought and curiosity of “What can happen next?” Is plastered in my thoughts.” Knowing that the unknown lies ahead of me, keeps me guessing. Finally, light flashes before my eyes. I realize I’ve been placed in a room with an old projector. Nothing is projecting on the screen ahead of me. I lean over and press the “Start” button, uncertain of the consequences that may come after. The projector makes a small, quiet, click,  followed by a rattling noise as it begins to turn. Pictures and videos begin to appear on the screen after a moment. Pictures of my family, memories of the past, and loved ones flash before me. The presentation succeeds in reminding me of the time my family went on a hike. The time I accidentally crashed my bike. The time I stupidly insisted to my math teacher that seven multiplied by five, is thirty (I was completely wrong.) The time I sat there and had conversations with my parents for hours on end. The time I hugged Blake and felt his warmth. The time I have said goodbye to the ones that I have loved. Most importantly, the times surrounded by nothing but love, laughter….yet chaos.

As much as I wanted to convince myself that this, whatever this may be, is over, it's not. I’m taken all the way back to the beginning. This time I don’t drown in the water, I float. I’m not held still by an unknown force, but instead, the force is being held still by me. The numbers don’t viciously attack me, they surround me with poise and respect. They follow me. They envy me. This time the bible verses glow brighter when I enter the room. They sing a song to me oh-so-sweet. This time I don’t mourn what’s shown on the projector. This time I don’t long for those memories, because I know I have plenty more to make. Most importantly, this time, I know who I am. I’m aware. I’m aware that I’m bossy, selfish, and unfortunately often judgemental. I know that I can be a pain, a hypocrite, a menace, and even an enemy in some situations. Who am I? I’m smart, talented, crazy, witty, and often very weird. So when someone does ask who I am, I’m a classmate, I’m a sister, I’m a role model, I’m a girlfriend, I’m a citizen, but most of all (and my personal favorite,) I’m Nevaeh Elisia Iraheta.