Forgiveness

Mark drove in silence, watching the various things pass by on the long drive. Sign after sign, light pole after light pole. He focused on everything he could to avoid thinking about seeing Carina. He was up all night the night before, staring at the ceiling, thinking about today. Debating on actually seeing her or putting it off again like he had hundreds of times in the past.

   The bumps on the ceiling seemingly morphing into her face whenever she drifted into is mind, which was almost every night, but especially this one. Tears burned his eyes whenever he thought to hard about her. He had so much anger for her. The way she left was so selfish and inexcusable.   

   “Think about the good” he thought to himself “its the only way you will be able to build up the courage to see her”. His memories drifted to their first meeting. The memory was so vivid in his mind like a movie playing in his head.

   She was shouting out the window of her car, the front bumper crumpled from the impact. “You idiot” she screeched “why did you stop?!”. He stepped out of his car rubbing his neck, she had slammed into him pretty hard. “Yeah I hope it hurts moron, you ruined my car!” she continued to yell as he walks toward his trunk. When the back end was in his view he notice his bumper was crumpled as bad as her hood.

   “Hey, I’m really sorry darlin’ I…..” “DON’T CALL ME DARLIN’ PIG YOU RUINED MY CAR!” she interrupted. “Hey give me a chance to talk” he pleaded and continued “That damn squirrel jumped in front of me, I have insurance so just calm down”

   She softened a bit but still seemed annoyed “you saw me behind you, but you stomped your breaks for a squirrel?” she asked a bit less harsh then her previous squawking. He voice now calm actually sounded sweet and Mark could only smile “yeah, I made a quick decision, I didn’t want to squish the little guy” he gestured to the fat squirrel who was now climbing the chain link fence across the street.

   The door to her small red sedan opened and she stepped out, this image was burned into his mind. The tattered blue jeans paired with the yellow top and blonde curly hair falling just past her tan face, and blazing blue eyes that could melt anyone. His smile widened just a bit and he felt his face flush slightly so he looked away, back to the squirrel.

   “Yeah it was a pretty stupid move, but…” she trailed off “I guess fatty will live another day because of you” she smiled and when he looked back at her. he knew this wouldn’t just be a normal every day fender bender.

   Mark blinked back the tears and continued to stare at the ceiling. He couldn’t believe a car accident turned into a date the way it did. She had always told him the only reason she calmed down was because she thought it was sweet that he knowingly sacrificed his car for a fat little squirrel. She was soft like that, anything with fur and a pulse was a sure way to get on her good side. A small piece of knowledge he shamelessly used to his advantage when he forgot their first anniversary.

   He reached over to his right to pat the blonde fur ball who refused to lay anywhere but next to him when he was home. Bucky had gotten quite old since she left. Bordering on 10 which was pretty good for a golden. When he felt his hand in soft fur, he felt the old pup turn his neck to look at him. He met the little mans gaze and smiled at him. “yeah buddy I think its time we talk to her” he said and closed his eyes as he pat Bucky until he drifted to sleep

   The wheel was warm where he had been holding it, rarely having to turn it on this journey. It was mostly straight roads to where she stayed out in the country. His G.P.S. indicated that he was about twenty minutes away from her. He felt the heat in his chest get a little warmer, knowing that it would get to a boiling point once he saw her.

   She must have felt the same way when he came home that day with no flowers in hand, not even a card. She was never any good at hiding her emotions, especially her anger. He couldn’t be mad about it either, he got a fair warning of her temper given how they met. He walked through the door and greeted her how he always did “hey darlin’ I’m home” he sang into the kitchen as he passed through on the way to the living room. She rounded the corner with a smile that slowly faded when she saw his hands were empty. His stomach dropped but he couldn’t piece together what he had done, but he knew he was in trouble from the curl the corner of her mouth made. She made this very slight frown any time she was mad at him.

   She said nothing but instead stormed up the stairs and a few stomps later slammed the door. That utter confusion not clearing up as he sat down and tried to rack his brain wonder what he could have possibly done in the few seconds he was home.

   Mark pulled out his phone and texted his brother in law “hey Nate, have you talked to Carina today?”he sent the message and waited for the ding. Nate got home around the time he did so he knew it wouldn’t be long before he responded. “DING” the phone lit up and the words “no, why whats up” illuminated his screen.

   “I just got home, and Carina is pissed and I have no idea why” he sent back in response. And almost immediately received another text “look at the date moron” and before he even checked, mark knew he messed up. Mark jumped up and almost sprinted to the car.

   He got back home and all the lights were off, the bundle in his arms struggling, full of energy waiting to be released so it could explore but mark just cooed and shushed it, trying to keep it quiet. He walked up the stairs and opened the door. Carina was awake, he could tell by her breathing but she stayed silent.

   “Look darlin’, I messed up.” he uttered, “I have been so wrapped up with work that I just forgot” he walked toward the bed and set the bundle down. The awkward puppy jumped to life and flopped all over the bed. A very startled Carina clicked the light on and flipped over. Her face was met right away with wet sloppy dog kissed and when she met Mark’s gaze he knew right away from the stern annoyed look she had that he was forgiven,

   Mark made his final turn of the journey as he pulled into the driveway of the old farm house. The wrap around porch embracing the old yet well maintained house on the top of the hill. Mark reached over and patted the old dog “well we are here” he said, and the dog whimpered at his tone, recognizing the anger.

   “Yeah I know, but she left us, you should be mad too” he patted and came to a halt at the end of the drive next to the house. It was her dad’s house, a place where they had many Christmases and Thanksgivings. Peeking over the roof was the top of the large maple tree in the back yard. Mark put the car in park and reached back in to the back seat and grabbed the bundle he had picked up earlier before his journey. He opened the door and began to walk around the car. He poked his head into the window and said “wait here Bucky, I can’t imagine this will take long”

   Mark made his way toward the side of the house when a warm voice boomed “shes around back big guy… been waiting a while” he turned to see Carina’s dad on the porch, leaning over the railing with a smirk. “I assumed, Paul, good to see you” Mark almost barked, annoyed with the old mans grin. “I guessed id see you soon, you couldn’t stay mad forever” he laughed

   “I’m still pissed Paul” Mark corrected, and started toward the back yard again, he got just passed the house when Paul shouted “go easy on her big guy, we all make mistakes” and with that Mark continued into the back yard and felt his anger rise with every step closer to he got to her.

   Crossing the yard wasn’t any small task, her father had quite a bit of land, and of course her favorite spot was under the big tree in the back. Every step increasing his heart rate, increasing the heat in his chest. Every step closer she got clearer and clearer until he was looking right at her. 

   He bit down hard to keep from shouting, swallowed harder and harder trying to contain everything he felt. He knew he would be mad when he saw her but he never thought it would be this intense. It was silent, even the birds and bugs seemed to fade away as tension and silence built until Mark could feel head throb and he finally let loose.

   But the shouts didn’t come, his mouth opened and no sound came out. He tried but he couldn’t find his voice. He closed his mouth and felt wet hot tears stream down his face. His vision blurred with the new tears and silent muffled sobs sounded from his throat every so often.

   “You could have said something Carina” he almost wailed. “You could have talked to me about it, Jesus…. You could have talked to your dad or Nate or someone” his volume had increased and it was yelling mixed with sobbing. “But no, you just left…. You only thought of yourself and you left us” he felt the anger fade and he dried his eyes. He took a step closer and set the bundle down at the base of the stone. With his eyes now clear he read the inscription “Carina Lynn Redwood, beloved wife, daughter, and sister. Wings spread wide, fly above the clouds with the angels and rainbows, and look over those who will forever miss you”

   The lilacs he sat down we wilted slightly from the ride offered a colorful contrast to the gray stone. The anger was completely gone now and sadness was all that was left. Bucky trotted up beside mark and sat down with a slight whimper.

   “Thought he oughta say hi too” said the booming voice of Paul behind him. Mark set a hand on the dogs head and said “We miss her so much, don’t we buddy” he ruffle the dogs fur and Paul set a warm hand on Marks shoulder

   “We all wish we could have changed what happened, but she is at peace now” with that Mark put his hand on Paul’s

   “I miss you so much darlin’” he said then closed his eyes to relive a few more memories. But the anger was gone. And all that was left was that first image of his wife that would always be burned into his memory.