Moving Forward

I shove a small box into the corner of my suitcase. It fits, just. I look around my room and there are still things that I thought I would want to bring with me but now know they aren’t going to fit. I sigh. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

A month ago I got a job offer for my *dream* job. One I had applied for not thinking I would actually end up getting it.. well I did get it and it’s on the other side of the world. Okay, maybe not the other side of the world but in a different country and far enough away from here to feel like this is huge. 

Reality is slowly starting to creep in now as I stare at my childhood bedroom wall and know I am not going to see it again. Over the last few months, my mom has been in the process of kicking me out so that she could move to a smaller town not far from here with an amazing condo community. I had been dragging my heels about it but her not so subtle hints for me to move out were finally starting to wear on me. She's not thrilled at how far I have decided to move but she is thrilled she can finally sell this old house.

We’ve been here since I was little and it’s all I have ever known as a home. She doesn't seem to have the same feelings as I do about it but maybe that’s because she’s lonely and willing to let this go to maybe meet some people her own age? Or is it that she didn’t have her entire childhood here and doesn’t have the same attachment as I do to it? Who knows, either way, I'm realizing I am struggling with this.

I took the job offer because ya, it’s my dream job and I want this more than I have really wanted anything else in my life but also because I feel a little stuck living here. It’s easy, I don’t pay rent, my mom is literally here whenever I need her and it’s comfy, why would I ever need to go anywhere else? What my best friend June has told me, is that change is good and I need to just go for it and move on. She can be brutally honest.. maybe because she knows I normally can handle that and want that from her. But right now it feels a little hard to do that when I’m faced with my room of childhood memories.

I dig through an old cardboard box in my closet and find letters June and I had sent each other in high school. I love that I still have these, they were from the start of our friendship. Looking at my suitcase, I know I can't bring these with me, this box is way too big to fit and I only have the one suitcase I can bring with me, I can’t afford to bring another suitcase. Which means one thing, I have to part with these.

I sit and cry. My mom knocks at my door.

“Hi sweetie, you doin ok?”

“No, no I’m not Mom, this is so hard” I sob back to her

She kneels down and rubs my back. 

“You know, it’s all just stuff right?” She says, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

“Yeah, I know but it’s my stuff.. It’s everything I have ever known stuff.. It’s what makes me, me” I say through sobs.

“Well maybe, but wanna know something? You make you you. This stuff doesn’t define you. If it all went away today, you’d still be there. When was the last time you read these letters?” She says, glancing down at the letters that are now in my lap.

I sit with that and try and remember the last time I even touched these letters. 

“I don't actually know” I say to her

“You have June and you will always have June, these letters don’t attach you to her, they are just a part of your friendship story. You not holding onto them doesn't mean she goes away.” she says softly

“But what if I want to remember this time in our lives and how young and naive we were? Reminisce?” I ask

“Then you talk to June and reminisce” she says

She has a point. I sigh deep and wipe my eyes.

“I know how much it can mean to look through old things and remember what life has been but you don’t need all of these to remember that time in your life with her. Sometimes our stuff that we carry with us, can weigh us down a bit” she says

“Yeah I can see that” I say to her, looking around my room at all of my things still in here. 

“You know what I think? I think all of this is a lot and me selling now is not making all of this any easier. I am sorry sweetie for that timing” she says settling in next to me.

“It is a lot Mom but I totally get you needing to keep moving on with your life” I say to her, resting my head on her shoulder. 

 “This whole time I thought I would be okay to just pack what I can and get rid of the rest but now looking at it, I know that there's a lot of emotional baggage here that I was not expecting” I say. 

“Ya, I can see that” she says, glancing around my room and kissing me on top of my head. 

My phone buzzes and I look down at it, Junie’s face flashes across the screen. 

I look to my mom, and say “Is it okay if I take this?”

“Of course, sweetie” she kisses my head as she stands and leaves my room

I answer my phone 

“Hey Junie! How are you?” I say, trying to sound as upbeat as I can so she doesn’t hear the sadness in my voice. 

“What’s going on?” she says directly

“What’s going on? What do you mean?” I ask dumbfounded, or trying my best to sound as dumbfounded as I can.. she’s onto me and I can feel it.

“I can hear the sadness in your voice, Rubs” she says matter-of-factly

“There’s no way you can hear that, I had barely said anything” I say, trying to defend my sad voice. 

“Well, that’s just what you get when you have me..I see and know everything” she says confidently.

“Okay. You caught me. I’m not okay Junie. All of this is a lot and I think I am just struggling with letting go of everything here” I say through some quiet sobs. She knows how to get it out of me. 

“I can imagine you’re feeling all of that. It’s a big move, for both you and your mom! You've literally never lived anywhere else, this has got to have you feeling all sorts of things.” she says back to me

“Yeah, yeah it is.” I whisper back. 

“Can I come over and help you rummage through it all?” Junie asks me

As fun as that sounds, I think I need to handle this on my own and not have June remind me of why I want all of this to just stay the same. Me leaving here also means me leaving Junie and that's a whole other hard part of all of this. 

“Thank you for the offer Junie but I think I need to do this on my own” I say, trying to sound as confident as those words are.  

“Okay Ruby, but please call me if it gets this hard again, ok?” June says kindly 

“Thanks June, I will. Talk soon. Love you”

“Love you too Rubes”

I hang up the phone and stand. I need to start somewhere. I shake out my arms and move toward my closet. I gather up all of my clothes left in there, all things that I hadn’t planned on bringing with me. I throw them onto my bed next to my open suitcase. I start by taking them off the hangers and then folding them up and placing them into a box Mom left in here. They can be donated, they can have another life.. one that’s not with me and that’s okay. I breathe deep and grab my phone. I put on some music and try to focus on the task of folding.

This can be hard AND I can do it. 

I finish folding all of my clothes until all that’s left are empty hangers. I yell down the hall to my mom

“Hey mom, do you want to keep all of these hangers?”

She comes down the hall and looks into my closet, then to my bed where the hangers all sit in a pile. 

“Woah, you’re making progress! Yes, I’ll keep those, put them in here” she hands me a box.

“Thanks Mom”

“You’re doing it sweetie, you’re taking steps toward your dream. No one ever said chasing dreams was easy” she says, wrapping me in a hug. 

“Yeah you’re right about that. But also, no one really warns you that it will be THIS hard” I say smiling into her hug

“Yeah, they do.. but no one really knows what that hard looks like until their in it” she says 

“Well that’s true. I guess we don’t really know what hard feels like, it’s more of a feeling we end up with” I say back to her

“Yeah exactly. Like leaving this house, it’s really really hard for me” she says with a sadness in her voice.

“Wait, what? This is hard for you? You’ve been so strong and excited.. I don’t think I realize you were also struggling with this” I say looking up to her face

“Oh sweetie, this is so hard for me. I can picture where you took your first steps or where I was when I found out your Dad had passed or where you and I would snuggle and read books. I see it all here” she says through tears. 

I hug her tighter. I was so wrapped up in how I was feeling that I just brushed off any ideas of her struggling with this. Of course she was. 

“But I also know that I need this change. I can’t live in the past, in what was here, I have to keep going and do my best to live my life” she says looking down at me

“So I can look around here and feel sad at leaving it all behind but I can also look forward and know that I have those memories in here” she says pointing at her heart

“They will always be with me and even though you’re moving far from here, I know that I have you too” she says kissing the top of my head

“I love you Mom” I say looking to her again

“I love you too Ruby” she says, giving me a squeeze

“Okay, back to it!” she says releasing me from our hug and patting me on my back.  

I turn back to what I was doing and start pulling out more boxes from my closet. I do this for the next hour without stopping. Somehow I manage to get everything in my room organized into donation piles and garbage piles. Then comes trying to fit anything else into my suitcase.

I grab a couple of the letters from my box of Junies letters and open the front zipper of my suitcase and put them in. I don’t have to keep them all but I can keep a few. 

I grab a stack of photos that I had gone through and put them in the same pocket and then zip it up. I do this again with a few other small things I had found and fit them into small parts of my suitcase and then do the final look around before I zip it up. 

This may be the hardest thing I have ever done but it’s also the most exciting thing I have ever done. 

I put the final things into their piles and then turn back to my suitcase and zip it up and lift it off my bed. I roll it down the hall to the front door. 

Mom comes to meet me and looks me in the face “Ready?”

“More ready than I'll ever be” I say, grabbing her hand. 

We walk out the front door and head for the car. 

I may never be back to this house but it is comforting to know that I have her and all of the memories we created together.

It gives me so much confidence to go into this with everything I’ve got. 

But first, off to see June.