Jonna

Jonna's face as she danced in the light of the disco was surreal. I told her my deepest secret and to bring it with her to the grave. All the other girls begged for me to tell them, saying they would tell me their secrets, but I refused. It was just me and Jonna's secret. I knew if she did tell, maybe I could get in trouble, but I like living dangerously.

It is June, the air is warm and sticky in the Virginia little nobody town of Stanford. But as the night got darker as did my happiness. Something in me was off. Something in me twisted when Jonna's face looked back at me. I've known Jonna my whole life, we grew up doing forest hikes with our dads. Her dad died last year from cancer and mine still takes us on hikes to Hail Down Cliff. We are seventeen years old, just barely making it through life. Dad home schooled us, but after fifth grade he sent us to public school. Throwing us at the wolves.

 He told Jonna and I that we were different from everyone, we were special. "But don't forget to treat people with respect, even the dead." Dad told me at least three times a week, raising his eyebrows as if what he was saying was important. I rolled my eyes and joked about it with Jonna. That's when I first started telling her my secret.

Now, as I'm dancing with her at a school Halloween party, girls are questioning my sanity as I dance.

"Don't make fun of us!" I screamed with a laugh, knowing everyone was staring.

"What is Hannah talking about?" A pink-haired girl in the grade below Jonna and I has her phone out, talking to the person next to her that I don't recognize. She blows a bubble with her gum.

"Everyone is staring, I think we should stop Jonna." I'm beginning to see all the faces that are staring at me and my body. But no one is staring at Jonna.

"Don't let the air suckers in." She whispers into my ear. I grab her hand, it's as cold as ice and we go outside for fresh air.

For the first time, I take in Jonna's expression. She’s determined, her pale face seems weak with contrast to her platinum hair. I look at her, but I would swear she is so thin I could see through her.

All of this was beginning to feel like some warped dream because I remember having Jonna in my life, but this couldn't be her. I remember the Jonna I used to know to be warm and kind. This was cold and unsettling. I feel her hand inch up to my forehead. I freeze, my whole body turning to ice. Everything stings as my eyes roll into the back of my eyes. "Do you remember what happened that night in the woods?" Jonna's voice ringed in my ear as I slipped away from reality.

"Hannah, do you think we could hike through the woods today even though it's raining?" Jonna told me at nine-years-old, her little nose was so cute and small. I stared into her blue eyes, lost in them.

She asks me again in a chant that makes me cold inside.

"Can we hike in the rain or is it dangerous? Can we hike in the rain or is it dangerous?"

"We can go! Let's go before dad finds out."

"Isn't that dangerous?"

"You'll be safe, little baby." I laugh at her like she is such a baby for being worried.

The trees feel ominous as they reach for us; the sound of rustling leaves makes Jonna jump. I told her she's fine, so we continued walking. The wind blows in my face as I try to see through the darkness. The branches seem unreal and gnarled, like monsters that threatened to take us into their cold embrace. As a nine-year-old, I grab Jonna's hand. It feels thin and icy in my warm hand.

"Hannah, I'm cold." Jonna's voice is shy, but I don't think it was because of the dropping temperature, she feared the long branches that seemed like distorted arms waving in the wind as they mindlessly reached.

"Jonna, you'll be fine. I will never hurt you." I say honestly because it's true.

We climbed up the forest until we broke into an open rock surface that appeared to be a cliff. I sucked in a breath as I saw the one hundred feet drop of Hail Down Cliff. In the darkness, it's not beautiful, it’s cold and it’s scary. It is filled with the fear that someone might appear out of the trees behind us and push you to your doom.

"Hannah, I'm scared. Something doesn't feel right." Her voice was little and shrill. She tightens her grip on my arm, but I pull away.

"Why are you such a baby?" I'm appalled. She loosens her grip and pouts.

"Hannah, I don't think we should be out here alone, it's stupid." Jonna kicks a rock with her feet.

"I bet you're too chicken to even stand close to the edge. I dare you too." I say, widening my eyes. She seems offended so she steps forward. "Go on now," I say as she looks over the edge.

Suddenly, she slips and goes plummeting down, but I manage to grab hold of her hand.

"Help me! Oh, I'm scared." She's mumbling and I'm swearing. I didn't have the muscle to save her.

I strained, but then I began to slip. My hold loosens and before I know it, I'm watching her fall to her death. I hear her uncanny scream as her face smashes against the jagged rocks.

I jolted awake, facing Jonna's eyes as she dropped me to the ground. She hisses. "You killed me! Are you goddamn ignorant? It's been eight years, and you thought I was alive? I'm dead and I won't ever let you live past it. Every moment where you thought someone was by your side, no one was there. You just looked like an idiot talking to the air. I'm not the girl you used to know, death is a lot more complex than you living thought. But, from the depth of my empty heart, I hope it hurts like hell." She whispers in my ear, but then disappeared in a poof of mist. I grab for my neck, my body and skin to make sure I'm not dead.

All this time I was thinking Jonna was alive, but she's been dead, and I was the cause of her death. Every time I thought I was talking to a girl, I was truly being haunted by…I don't know what, but I can't believe it was the warm Jonna I call my best friend. The years flashed before my eyes, I'm mental. I'm a killer. How could I have done those awful things? What is going to happen to me? I imagine falling to my doom, it was what I deserved.

              Then, fear took the better of me. Teens were beginning to bustle out of the gym, laughing and pointing in my general direction, maybe they saw the tears streaming. I ran, knowing where I was going, but I couldn't stop. I screamed for help, but I couldn't stop myself. An hour later, I was stumbling over leaves and tree branches listening to Jonna as she told me what it felt like to die. What it's like to be dead.

"It's like being in an endless dream. A void of nothingness. If someone killed you, you had the right to haunt them. Sentence them to death. But I've far outgrown Jonna you once knew. She's as dead as my body. She died when you led me to my death." I hear her words fill the black void inside. I'm bawling, screaming for her to stop. I'm begging.

"Please don't kill me! I'm sorry Jonna, I know the nine-year-old is still in there somewhere." I tell the voice in my head, but she replies with a long hiss. I shudder, I can feel her boney hand on my head as she pushes me to Hail Down Cliff. The crisp icy air eats at my nose and arms, threatening to freeze me till all is left is a statue. I'm expecting death, ready for it even, but the dread still drives me to beg. I saw how painful it was to die and the endless nothingness, I can't do this.

Jonna is by my head, her arms wrapping around me, her touch like wire against my soft skin. I gulp as I look down at the drop before me. It’s higher than I expected, the rocks they are standing at the bottom are little ants. It would be a long fall. The fear shook me as the fake Jonna pushed me to my death. I screamed so loud, but no one heard. I was sure, no one would even cry because I was the girl who danced with the air like a crazy person. No one would hear the last words that rushed out of my mouth. Even at this moment, I couldn't hate Jonna, she was my homeland. I love her no matter what even if it ends my life. I messed up, and I'm paying the price, but that doesn't change my love for her.

"Jonna Millbury, I love you more than every star in the sky before our eyes." I close my eyes, awaiting the great beyond, but I don't feel pain. I wonder if I died so quickly that it didn't hurt, so I opened my eyes. Jonna is staring at me; she has wings attached to her back. I see her flying; she takes me back to the top of the cliff. I was sure this was all a dream, but I smelled her, the detergent she used to use and her strawberry perfume. I knew the real Jonna was in there somewhere. I kissed her, but I kissed the air. "I'm forever grateful." I don't bother with saying sorry that is only a reprieve for the one who's guilty. When I open my eyes, she's gone. But the warmth in my heart keeps the gears of my engine moving. I guess the dead even have room for love and forgiveness. But I didn’t realize was that the secret I kept telling Jonna was that I killed her, but I never consciously understood my words.

I hold my breath and scream to the cliff, "while one life is taken, another one is saved."