Diner Resolution

Jan. 18

Slides into booth. “Happy New Year, man.”

“Can you still say that?”

“I mean, yeah. The year is still new, right?”

Shoulder shrug. “Mmm.”

“You know Seinfeld already did a whole bit on this, right? About getting greeted with a ‘Happy New Year’ too late into the year?”

Nods, sips coffee. “Mmm.”

“Well. Your year seems to be off to a gloomy start. Perk up, man. Maybe make that your resolution.” 

Shakes head. “No. I’ve already got one.”

“Got one what?”

“A resolution.”

Interested. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Really? Wow. That seems so…”

Annoyed. “So what?”

“I dunno. So… un-Ted.”

Shoulder shrug. “Well, I have one.”

Beat.

“So, are you going to tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“Are you serious, man? Your resolution. What we were just…” Exasperated sigh. “Are you going to tell me what your new year’s resolution is?”

Shoulder shrug. “I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?”

Nods. Sips coffee. “I’m not sure.”

“What’s not to be sure about?”

Shoulder shrug.

“Right. Well, you can’t bring it up and then just not tell me.”

“Yes I can.”

“No, you can’t, man.”

“Why not?”

“It’s rude. Obviously. Plus, I’m your brother. Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

Shoulder shrug.

“Have you told anyone?”

Shakes head.

“Alright. I won’t push, I guess.”

Beat.

“Hand me a menu, will you Ted?”

Jan. 26

Slides into booth. “Hey.”

Up-nods, still staring at menu.

“Extra talkative today, huh?”

Shoulder shrug.

“I think I know how I can get you to talk.”

Looks up.

“Happy new year!” Grins.

Looks back at menu.

“No? Not taking the bait?”

Beat.

“Why are we back at this diner?”

Shoulder shrug.

“The food wasn’t that good last time.”

Head tilt, concedes the point.

“Right, so why are we here again?”

Shoulder shrug.

“Ok, then.”

Feb. 9

Slides into booth. “Seriously, again with this place?”

Sips coffee. “Hello, Rob.”

“Yeah, yeah, right, ‘hello.’ I mean, I know I agreed to come here again, but what is the deal? The coffee is mediocre to weak -”

Interrupts. “It’s not that bad.”

“Ok, but it’s not that good. The food stinks. Downright stinks.”

“Not good.”

“Yeah, not good. You agree.”

Nods.

“Ok, so why? Why do we keep coming here?”

Sighs.

Opens eyes wide, raises eyebrows, trying to understand.

“I have a resolution.”

“A what?” Rubs face, quickly exasperated. “What?”

“A new year’s resolution.”

“Ok…”

“Remember, I told you.”

“No.” Crosses arms.

“I did.”

“No, you didn’t. You told me you had a resolution. You didn’t tell me what the resolution was.”

“That’s what I meant.”

“What?”

“I meant that I’d told you that I had a resolution.”

“Ok…”

“Ok.”

“No, actually no. Not ok. That doesn’t answer anything. What does that have to do with me continually having to meet you at this crummy diner?”

Sighs.

“No. No way, man. You don’t get to act like I should know. Like my brain is magically connected to yours in a way that would allow me to understand your weird thoughts and what is going on here.”

“I have a resolution.”

Rubs face. “Yeah. A resolution. I got that much.”

Beat.

“You gonna fill me in on the rest.”

Looks down to hands folded in lap.

“Alright.” Sighs. “So, hand me a menu, Ted. What kind of garbage do I want to eat today?”

Feb. 15

Slides into booth. “Here we are again.”

Looks at menu, gives a small wave.

“Ok. Well, at least I’ve learned my lesson. Just coffee for me this time. No need to pass a menu.”

Give a thumbs up.

March 23

Slides into booth. “So you gonna tell me?”

“Hi Rob.”

“Hey Ted. Today’s the day, right? Your text was different this time.”

Looks up from menu. “My text wasn’t different.”

“It was.”

Shakes head.

Pulls out phone. “It was, see.” Shows phone.

“That’s what I always text.”

“No. Haha! No. See? You usually say, ‘Diner tomorrow at 7?’ This time, you said, ‘Diner tomorrow at 7 smiley face.” Grins.

“I didn’t do that.”

“You did though.” Shows phone. “Right there. Smiley face.”

Shoulder shrug.

“So...”

“So what?”

“So is today the day? Are you going to tell me why we come here? Here of all places. A place we never came until a few months ago.”

“I came here before then.”

“Well I didn’t.”

Shoulder shrug.

“I’m telling you I didn’t. I definitely did not come here. And you never asked me to meet you here until a couple of months ago.”

Beat.

“I get that it has something to do with your new year’s resolution. Is that it though? Is the resolution just to come here?”

Looks down at menu.

“It can’t be to see me more or anything like that. We see each about the same amount as always. Same frequency of texts, too. You’re still like clockwork there.”

Nods, looking at menu.

“So…”

Shoulder shrug.

“Right. Ok. Hand me a menu, will you?”

April 6

Already seated in booth. “Hey Ted.”

Startled. Pauses at edge of booth. “Hi Rob.”

Smiles.

Slides into booth. “You got here first.”

“I did.”

“You never get anywhere first.”

“I don’t.”

“Ever.”

“I know.”

Beat.

“You gonna be ok with that?”

Shoulder shrug. “Why?”

“Why did I get here first?”

Nods. Looks down.

“Because I think I know your resolution.”

Looks up. “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Do you not have a resolution anymore?”

Looks down. “I do.”

“But you think I don’t know what it is?”

Shakes head. “You can’t know.”

“Maybe I do.”

“I haven’t told you.”

“Maybe I guessed it.”

“No.”

Beat.

“Ok, then. So tell me.”

Looks up.

“Tell me your new year’s resolution, Ted.”

Shoulder shrug.

“Why are we always meeting at this diner now? And what does it have to do with your new year’s resolution?”

Glances quickly, subtly, to cash register.

Unsubtly turns, looks at register. Smiles. Waits.

Looks down. “Gloria.”

Smile grows. “Gloria.”

Shoulder shrug.

“Your new year’s resolution is that pretty young lady at the register?”

Shoulder shrug.

Beat.

“I don’t think you’ve ever had a new year’s resolution before this, have you?”

Shakes head.

“You picked a good one to start with, I’ll tell you that.” Glances at register. “So, what exactly is the resolution? Just to come here? To see her?”

Shakes head.

“No?”

“No.”

Sips coffee. “What then?”

Shoulder shrug.

“You’ve come this far. Might as well tell me.”

“I have a new year’s resolution.”

Nods. Waits.

“I have a new year’s resolution and it’s to talk to Gloria.”

“To talk to her? Just to talk to her? Ted! We can do that right now!” Looks to register, starts to raise hand.

Reaches across, lowers hand. “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“No you don’t want to start now? Why not? She’s pretty! Let’s get you talking to her. I know you’re not comfortable with social stuff, but I’m here. I’ll help. We’ll -”

Interrupts. “No. That’s not the whole resolution.”

“Oh. Ok.” Waits.

Sighs. “I have a new year’s resolution and it’s to talk to Gloria, to… to ask her out.”

Smiles. “Ok. We can work on that.”

Smiles.