Zephyr

The wind blew my silk scarf onto the lawn. A fat raindrop splashed onto my left lens, and the bigger ones that fell chilled me to the bone. It was the first week in October, but the weather yo-yoed, mid-June hot one day, and mid-Winter frigid the next. This damn cold front made me want to curl up inside my house in front of a fire, reading and sipping hot chocolate. 

I hurried up the steps to Mom’s house and fumbled with the key in the lock when the door opened.

“We weren’t expecting you tonight. Here, let me help you, Mary.” Miguel, my mother’s caregiver, reached over to take the shopping bag of food for Mom, while I held onto the other bags. His fingertips brushed mine, spreading warmth across my frozen gloveless hand. 

 A Tiffany lamp provided the only light in the living room, and a warm blaze in the fireplace welcomed me from the bitter chill. 

“Where’s everyone?” I dropped my purse on an end table and followed the aroma of roasting meat and simmering veggies into the kitchen.

Miguel wiped his hands on the towel across his shoulder before he turned to me. “Your mother is resting before dinner, and Carly will be here soon.”

I nodded. “How did she do today?”

Miguel smiled. “Dr. Grant went for a short walk in the neighborhood after Lunch, and she wanted to-

“You let my mother go out alone? It was downright sultry earlier, are you crazy?”

His face fell, and he held up a hand. “No, Mary. I was with her the entire time, and she is getting so much stronger, really.”

Yes, the doctor had recommended “light exercise”, but walks, solo or accompanied, when the temperature is still hovering in the mid 80s? 

“If you’re thinking she was too hot, she wasn’t. She insisted, and we were out of the house and back in less than an hour.” Miguel’s gaze never wavered, and something about the look in his eyes dialed my anger down a bit.

I exhaled slowly. It had been a shit day, with the committee meeting from hell, clueless students during office hours, and not much work done on my latest article. At least four hours of work awaited me once I arrived home, and I didn’t want to go back out in the cold again.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. It’s not been a good day for me.” 

Miguel turned off the oven,“Why don’t you stay? I can make you some dinner, something meatless, if you’d like.”

What? “Speaking of dinner, is that the one she needs to take with food?”

Miguel picked up the bottle and scanned its label. “No, this one's for sleep.”

“When did she begin having insomnia?”

“Oh, she has occasional sleeplessness. It’s just a mild sedative her physician thought might help.”

“OK, good to know.”

Miguel sighed. “Mary, are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“I just wanted to drop off her prescription.”

He laid a hand on my arm, and I almost leaned into his touch. “At least let me make you some mint tea before you leave.” There was that soft, kind smile again. Stay and talk to him.

“That’s very kind, I’ll just, I. Please tell my mother I’ll call her tomorrow. Have a good evening.” I gathered my bag and locked the door behind me. The rain had stopped, but the gusty wind nearly leveled me. A hot mug of tea would have warmed me a bit, but I needed to get home.

Later, I woke up crying and shivering from a nightmare, in which I was surrounded by flashing red and blue lights, pursued by a looming shadow. I found myself at the edge of a cliff, below which an abyss awaited. There was no escape, and I tumbled through space. I woke up, then willed myself back to a sleep that wouldn’t overtake me. Most dreams I forgot, and I had no idea what my subconscious was trying to tell me.

The next few days dragged by, and I felt sicker and more exhausted at the end of each one. On Friday, my catch-up day with no classes or meetings, I went to check on Mom again. I had been debating about the hidden camera, but where would I place it? Mom’s bedroom would be an invasion of her privacy. The kitchen was the next obvious choice, but I doubted she was being poisoned. I mean, the guy did offer me food and a cup of tea.

When I arrived, an unfamiliar truck was parked beside Miguel’s with the agency logo on its panel, and I noticed a few tools and supplies in the other truck’s bed. I approached the back garden and heard Mom’s voice, and at least two others. The smell of manure hung in the humid air, and I sneezed.

“Mary? Carly?” Mom called out. Shit, element of surprise blown.

I tramped through the lush grass and stopped dead in my tracks when I spotted his shirtless torso, miles of smooth olive skin with beads of perspiration racing down his toned back.

“Good Morning, Mom.” I wiped my neck as I walked onto the deck.

“Why didn’t you come through the house?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know, Mom.” 

The younger man, Miguel’s twin, approached us. “Hello Miss Grant, I’m Max. So nice to finally meet you.”

“Yes, thank you, Max.”

“Hello, Mary, good to see you again.” Miguel smiled, To Max, he said, “Mijo, regresa al camión y trae el otro rastrillo, por favor.”

“Yes, Dad.” Max shifted his eyes back to me and jogged away.

“Are you almost done? It looks wonderful!” Mom asked.

“Yes, Max will finish spreading the mulch. You ready to go inside, Andrea?”

Mom nodded. When did this first name basis become a thing? At least his kid wasn’t as familiar. “Mary, why don’t you stay for a while? Fresh air and some breakfast might do you some good. You look awful.”

“Thanks, Mom, I just stopped by to see if you needed anything.”

“I need you to take care of yourself. I know there's a few breakfast tacos left, you should have one. Miguel said you were coming down with a cold the other night.”

Right on cue, I sneezed again. “It’s the stuff in the air. My seasonal allergies, you know that.”

Miguel looked back at the garden and then at me. “It’s just a new mulch mix for the garden, something to help winterize it.”

“And tell me, how is that a part of caring for my mother?”

Miguel shrugged and glanced back at Mom. “I asked him to do it, because neither of my daughters have any interest in caring for this property and he agreed, willingly.”

Mom frowned, and went back in through the sliding door, trailed by Miguel.

I sat in her vacant chair, and Max returned with the rake and a bottle of water. “Was your mother OK?”

I shook my head. “Her usual self. Thank you, by the way, for helping your dad.”

“Oh, no problem, It’s my landscaping business, I run it with my cousin. This is a really beautiful home, Miss Grant.” Max leaned against the handle, his boot nudging a tine.

“I appreciate what you’ve done. I’m sure your dad is very proud.”

“Yeah, well, as long as it doesn’t interfere with school, he says.”

“What are you studying?”

“I’m pre-law, but I don't have classes today. So he asked me to help out.”

“Well, send me a bill for your work. Are you at State?”

“Yeah, I think I’ve seen you around. Dr. Grant said you teach literature?”

“Yes, and I need to get to campus. Very nice to meet a hard-working student.” Strong, intelligent, hard-working, and handsome? But I wasn’t really surprised.

“Very nice to meet you as well, Miss Grant.” He held my hand a second too long, and that grin reappeared. 

Max shook his head. “I totally get it now. Have a good day.”

Get what? He grabbed the rake and began spreading the mulch around the flowerbed. 

“Max?”

“Yes ma’am?”

“What did you mean by that? What do you get?”

Max smiled again. “I shouldn’t say anything, Dad would kill me.”

“What?”

Max came closer and planted the rake into the grass. “My dad talks about you all the time, and your mother, too. But he really likes you, Miss Grant. I’d better get back to work.” He waved and went back to working on the flowerbed. 

I shook my head and went inside to find my mother with her laptop, chatting with someone on Zoom, and Miguel sat at the kitchen table, wearing his polo shirt again.

“Are you staying for a while? May I make you some tea, or something to eat?” He looked up from the notebook in which he was writing. 

“Everything looks good here, so, no. I’m heading out.” I eyed some foil wrapped items in a container near the stove, and ignored the growling in my empty stomach.

Miguel set his pen on the table. “Would you rather I call you Miss Grant from now on? I get the feeling I’ve offended you, and if I have, I apologize.”

 I held up a hand. “It’s fine, Miguel. You can call me Mary. It’s just, I don’t understand something.”

“What?” 

“Don’t you have other clients? You seem to spend a lot of time here, and you’re doing more than just caring for my mother.”

Miguel closed the notebook and stood. “I have two other clients on the days I'm not here.”

“Oh.” Okay.

“Did it ever occur to you that I do all those things for a reason?”

 “It’s just a job. Why would you?”

Miguel chuckled. “Maybe you should ask yourself, why do you care why I care so much?” He left and rejoined Max in the garden.

I decided not to swipe a taco and walked back through the living room to say goodbye to Mom. I waved, and Mom whispered, “Bye”, so I almost missed it. My lost scarf was freshly laundered and wrapped in tissue paper on the table near the door. Mom never mentioned that she found it, and Carly hadn’t been here. Only one other person could have returned my scarf, and I’d just been the biggest jerk to him yet again.

The rest of the day went smoother. I finished the revisions on my article and graded midterm essays without interruptions. An email from the head of my committee approved of my amendments to the department plans for the following semester. So, I headed out by 6:00, swung by Mom’s favorite restaurant to pick up the pasta dishes she loves. 

My sister held a wine glass when she arrived to let me in. “God, you look like death, but you brought dinner.”

 I lugged the bags into the kitchen. Mom sat at the table with her own glass of red.

“I’m sorry about earlier, Mom.” Carly had washed her hands to place the containers on the table.

Mom held up a hand. “Mary, no need to apologize. I’m glad you’re here to visit, for once.”

She patted the chair beside hers. “So, are we going to talk about this?”

“Mom, if you want something done around here, just let me know. I’m just worried more about you, and I-”

“That’s not what I meant.” Carly dished out rigatoni onto a plate for me, a lopsided grin plastered onto her face.

“What then?”

Carly and Mom exchanged a look. “Totally clueless.”

“For someone who reads so much romance in those novels you teach, you really can’t see some of those plotlines playing out in your own life.” Mom grabbed a fork and twirled spaghetti around it.

“What are you two talking about?”

Carly groaned. “We’re talking about what’s going on between you and Miguel.”

“What?!”

Mom covered my hand with hers. “He likes you, too, you know. And yes, he’s single, widowed actually.”

“You asked him about his personal life?”

Mom scoffed. “Just because you don’t take the time to get to know people, my dear daughter, doesn’t mean we’re all as self-absorbed as you.”

Was she serious? “Mom, I’m here every other day to check on you, and I’m self-absorbed?”

“Mary, you never really share yourself, you just ask questions. But do you really listen, or see what’s right in front of you?” Carly tilted her head, a genuine look of concern on her face.

I threw my napkin on the table and paced the floor.

“Mary, sit down. We’re not attacking you.” Mom walked over and reached an arm up to embrace me. 

“It sure feels that way.” I pulled back and folded my arms.

“OK, maybe you’re not self-absorbed, but you just don’t stop and let yourself be, ever. It’s like you live your life as if it’s a to-do list, and I really worry about you.”

“ I have so many things to do!”

Carly sighed. “But do you enjoy anything, because it seems like you don’t.”

“I work, I check in on Mom, I pay for her care.”

“And what else do you have in your life? You could have so much more, Mary, if you just let yourself feel, for once.”

“What are you talking about, Mom?” I shifted my eyes between them. I read and exercised on the weekends. I didn’t do much else, true, but I didn't only think about work.

“Mary, I know you must realize how much he likes you.”

“He asks about you all the time, Mar. What you like to eat, your classes, your publications. You really don’t see it?” Carly ladled more pasta onto my plate.

I held up my hand. “I haven’t worked out all week, Carly.”

“Just stop, will you? I’ll bet you haven’t eaten all day.” She rose from the table and clicked on the kettle. 

“Well, I had some chai this morning, a fruit salad around 2, so…”

“My goodness, that’s why you can’t get well. You won’t take care of yourself.”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“You’re not fine, Mary! You are nearly 50 years old, you have no children, no husband. You don’t even date anymore, and all you do is work! Is that all you want?”

I ignored the tears welling in my eyes. “Wow, I thought this was a good idea, a relaxing dinner with my mother and sister. Instead, I get this.”

Suddenly, I wasn’t hungry anymore.“Enjoy the food. I guess I’ll see y’all later.” 

“Mary, come back!”

I kept walking, locked the door, and climbed inside the car. It was only 7:00, and the traffic was light, so I made it home in less than twenty minutes. I threw myself across the sofa, content to let the tears fall as I replayed the last few days. 

it couldn't be true what they said. There was no way a man like that was attracted to me. He was at least ten years younger, kind, probably a great dad, and definitely a caring professional. Widower or not, I’m sure Miguel had more than his fair share of dates. Maybe his kid meant that he admires me, but I’m sure he thinks I’m uptight and desperate, thanks to my mother’s apparent matchmaking efforts.

Except, well, he did offer to make me a meatless meal the other night, so maybe he actually asked them what I like. And, Mom seems to really respect him.

 I guess I’ve just become content to be on my own.

So, I settled under the covers a few hours later, after a cup of chai. I dressed in my fleece sleep shirt and joggers after a long bath. My phone chirped: Thanks for dinner, Mar. Please stop by this weekend and we’ll go out for lunch, on me. 😘C

I slid the phone under my pillow and closed my eyes. When I woke up, an image lingered, of Miguel holding me, a soft wind blowing through his chocolate brown hair, white and blue lights twinkling in the sky above us. 

I would hold this longing close and find a way to accept the deepest desires of my very fragile heart. No one else needed to know, at least not yet.