New Beginnings

Trigger Warning: Miscarriage

Aubrey’s weary eyes fluttered open to a streak of bright light breaking through the crack of her curtains, disturbing her state of hibernation. These curtains were meant to black out the sun and along with it, the rest of the world. But alas, even the black pieces of cloth had failed her. Never mind though; Aubrey had long bypassed allowing herself to be disappointed by anything. After she had faced the biggest disappointment life could have handed her.

The scene played back in her head like a broken record, just as it had every day since.

It was a radiant and blissful Tuesday with not a cloud in the sky. The sun was blistering, but nothing could shatter the exquisite high the couple had been riding over the last five months. Aubrey and Peter were on the way to their routine 20 week check-up for their little girl and neither one of them could wipe the silly ear-to-ear smile they each wore. Just last week they had felt her first kick in Aubrey’s tummy, making it even more real that they were going to be parents soon. Since then, Baby Girl had been treating Aubrey’s womb like a soccer field. However, Aubrey hadn’t felt any kicking since late in the afternoon before, which seemed a little off. She didn’t stress too much though. The doctor had already told them that kicking may be a little irregular at the beginning. Plus, stress wasn’t good for the baby and there was no way she would jeopardize their Baby Girl.

When they arrived, they went through their usual check in process and took a seat in the waiting room. Not more than five minutes later, their doctor called them into their usual examination room. Aubrey laid down unable to conceal her excitement to see their little girl.

“Hey, hey! So, how’s it been going since your last check up? Any unusual bleeding or behavior? Or anything else you’re worried about?” The grey-haired, male doctor inquired with folded hands, expressing his care and concern for the new parental pair.

“We’ve been pretty great! We’ve been feeling her kicking since last week which has been just inexplicable. Nothing too unusual. The only thing is that I haven’t noticed her kicking since late yesterday afternoon. I know you mentioned that’s not too abnormal.” Aubrey rubbed her stomach out of habit.

“No, it is not too abnormal for kicking to be irregular, especially during this stage. It may even be that her kicks are just too light for you to feel. But let’s go ahead and get to the ultrasound so we can see what your little girl is up to in there.”

The doctor squirted a quarter of gel on Aubrey’s stomach and began running the ultrasound transducer over her stomach, spreading the gel around. Nothing but the echo of the machine filled the room. The doctor continued this for another minute with a furrowed look and the crease between his brows deepened the longer he probed. Aubrey and Peter couldn’t help but mirror his expression. It didn’t normally take this long before they heard the heartbeat of their sweet girl.

“Is there something wrong?” Peter questioned with strong notes of concern in his voice as he clenched Aubrey’s hand.

“Well, I just, um, I seem to be having a problem finding her heartbeat. Now, I don’t want to say too much until I get a second opinion, but I do see something that does call for concern. But I would really like to get a consult with another experienced doctor if that's alright with you both.”

Aubrey’s face was already covered in tears streaming down the second he said ‘heartbeat’.

“Yes, of course.”

The doctor nodded with a sympathetic look already painted on his face as he got up and left the room. Both Aubrey and Peter just stared at each other, unable to speak a single word. Normally, Aubrey would be the optimistic one, making expressions like “It’s going to be okay” and “As long as we’re together, we’ll be fine”. But this time, those expressions of comfort had escaped her because she didn’t know if they’d be fine. She didn’t know anything anymore.

A few minutes later the doctor walked back in with a woman in a white coat who looked about the same age as him. She gave a brief greeting before grabbing the ultrasound transducer and running it over Aubrey’s stomach.

Another minute passed with only the deafening echo filling the room. Still no sign of a heartbeat. The two doctors murmured quietly to each other while pointing at the image on the screen. Then, the male doctor nodded with a defeated look covering his face. The female consultant turned, gave an empathetic nod to the couple, and headed out the door. The minute Aubrey and Peter saw his face, they knew that everything was coming crashing down. And it was not at a slow decline, but rapidly and tragically right in front of their eyes with no chance of control.

“Aubrey. Peter. I want to start off by saying I am so sorry.”

This is where Aubrey’s memory begins to blur in and out, like a camera lens changing focus. Her recollection of what the doctor said after that only amounts to a few phrases:

 “… a late miscarriage.”

“…something we call incompetent cervix… very uncommon…”

“My deepest condolences…”

And just like that, within a matter of hours, the two gleaming parents-to-be were no longer planning for their baby girl to come home. Now, they were planning a burial for their unborn child. The one they had fallen in love with the second they got their positive test result. The one they had told all of their friends and family about. The one they had argued for hours over what her name would be. The one they had begun to imagine a life with was gone, before she even had a chance in this world. In their world.

The months following were only a continuation of the rapid destruction that had occurred in their lives. After four months, Peter was ready to try to live normally and move on to whatever extent that meant. But Aubrey had only declined more, if that was possible. She had lost her job. She had shut out everyone but Peter and her parents. Even then, Peter was barely holding on. There seemed to be no sign of Aubrey recovering from the black hole she had fallen into.

Two weeks later, Aubrey woke up to find Peter gone, with the only trace of him being a lengthy note he left on the now empty dresser. He had gone to his parents, mentioning something about not being able to live like this. He needed support and Aubrey needed more help than he could provide right now.

Now, Aubrey lay in the queen sized bed, almost a mirrored image of the broken woman Peter had left some five months ago. Despite the light coming in, the room felt dark and empty. No more gleeful pictures decorating the room. Little evidence that anyone lived there at all. After Peter had left, Aubrey had grown tired of the once joyful woman staring back at her. She hated that woman. A woman completely unaware of the pain that she felt now. A woman who still had a spark of hope and love for the life ahead of her.

Aubrey slowly rotated to her side, grabbing her phone off the nightstand and flipping it to reveal the time.

11:17 a.m., Monday, April 03

Her breath caught in her throat, as she realized today marks exactly ten months since the miscarriage. How had she not noticed that yesterday? How could she have lost track of time so easily? The last ten months of her life had torn by her within a single blink. And not one day had brought any healing to her heart.

She knew what she has been doing was not healthy for her in any sense. It’s something Aubrey had known since before Peter had left. But nothing in life had prepared her for what it would be like to recover from this tragedy. In the beginning, she tried all of the resources that had been suggested: support groups, grief counseling, a therapist, help centers. But none of them worked with Aubrey. She could never seem to really try. Her emotions were too rampant and she couldn't bare to talk about it.

With a tear trickling down her temple, she closed her eyes, taking in a meditative breath. She flipped the white cotton throw off her legs and swung them over the side of the bed, practically falling out. She shuffled to the bathroom and flicked the shower on. Aubrey basked in the steaming hot water, feeling it wash away the last three days of lounging around. Today, she was going to leave the house, even if it was just to go to the grocery store or for a walk. Aubrey thought she might lose her mind even more, if possible, if she stayed staring at the same four walls anymore.

Now fully dressed and feeling a sense of renewal, Aubrey stepped out into the shimmering light which she has dreaded for months. She looked around at the world world around her, gazing at the newly bloomed flowers, the slight wistful breeze, the sound of the birds and the bees. Spring. It always was her favorite season. Spring was a symbol of all things to do with beauty and change. It meant new beginnings, for everyone.

Aubrey decided that a day with gorgeous weather like this called for a walk to the store. She hesitantly began her trek, afraid that she might lose her momentum and turn right back around. But the breeze seemed to be pushing her forward with every step. Although her heart still anxiously fluttered, she no longer felt the incessant need to bolt back to the comfort of her home. She walked with shoulders that no longer caved into her chest and her face was no longer adorned by a deepened frown. With each person she passed, she gave a quaint smile and greeting. She began to encounter more people the closer she got to town and felt more confident with each smile.

As Aubrey continued on her path, she glanced in the shop windows at the aesthetic set ups. She admired the thought that went into each one and loved to study the detail. Amongst the beautified shops was a-hole-in-the-wall, vintage bookstore which immediately caught Aubrey’s eye. She noticed an antique “Goodnight Moon” copy in the front window. “Goodnight Moon” was a storybook that her mother had read to her countless times as a child. When her mom accidentally donated her copy, Aubrey was devastated. She knew she could buy a new one, but she always appreciated books that had character and she was hoping to pass it on to her children. Aubrey headed for the door and a small bell chimed above as she stepped in and a musky book smell hit her nose.

“Welcome in!” A voice shouted from the depths of one of the book piles.

Aubrey began moseying around as she made her way through the maze to get to the book. While turning an abrupt corner, she nearly ran over a woman.

“Oh! I am so sorry.” Aubrey held her hand to her chest, exclaiming her sympathy to the young woman.

“No, you’re fine! I wasn’t even paying attention.”

Audrey met the woman’s eyes and chuckled at her remark. Then, her gaze slowly fell down to the teeny sleeping baby she held in her arms.

“Oh my goodness. She’s so sweet. How old is she?” Aubrey’s voice cracked, her heart palpitating as she gazed at the little human.

“Aw, thank you. She’ll be 5 months old in two days.” The woman gazed down at her child, gently stroking the fine hairs on her head with the kind of care only a mother could give.

Aubrey just stared at the precious sight in front of her. This little girl was about the same age as her's would have been if she’d had the chance. Her heart swelled at the sight in front of her, unable to say anything as she was afraid that it would end this moment. The longer she stared, the more she came to a distinct realization.

If something like this had happened to her a month ago, she would have immediately broken down in a pile of tears and wails just sitting on the floor. She couldn’t handle looking at babies because it made the pain in her heart feel like a reopened wound. Each baby felt like a reminder of what she had lost and she didn’t want (nor did she need) a reminder. She just wanted to forget. But now, she stood here staring at this precious angel and didn’t have a sudden clawing urge to have a meltdown in the middle of this shop. Of course, her heart still held pain and sadness for her own loss, but not more than she could manage. Instead of seeing a bundle of despair and heartbreak, she saw a beautiful little miracle.

Audrey didn’t want to forget her baby girl. She wanted to remember her and cherish the memories of all the love and joy she brought into their lives, even for the short time that it was. Their little miracle would always be a part of her and would be with her in every aspect of life. Instead of dreading that, she actually found comfort it. The acceptance was finally sinking in.

She could see the clouds parting above her head, allowing for a stream of light to break through; that light was hope. Hope for a life full of joy instead of pain. Hope for moving forward and being able to live her life again. Hope for a new beginning, something she always knew spring would bring her. She felt like she had been asleep for ten months. And she was finally waking up.