Just when you think you're getting sorted...

“Stop telling me what to do!”

“I’m your conscience, it’s my job.”

"Yes, but do you always have to be so negative? Take last week. I was shopping in Waitrose…”

“Oh, here we go…”

“Don’t interrupt. As I was saying, I was in Waitrose buying some ‘free from’ ready meals, and you said, ‘have you considered the carbon footprint on that?’ I mean, come on! I’m trying to make good choices and you never support me!”

“I only want to help you be the best person you can be. Every person can always be a better version of themselves.”

“What about Mother Theresa?”

“Yup. She was a complete cow sometimes.”

“Nelson Mandela?”

“Had his faults.”

“Gandhi?”

“Where do I start?!”

“Seriously? Isn’t there anyone??”

“Nope. It’s called being human. You’re all imperfect. That’s what makes us consciences so grouchy at times: do you know how hard it is when I can see what you’re doing wrong but you just don’t listen?”

“I can’t be the worst person with regards to ‘not listening to their conscience’, though?”

“Well, no. Not the worst. But you do ignore me a lot of the time, too. I was just saying to Boris Johnson’s conscience the other day…”

“Hang on! You can talk to other consciences?!”

“Of course. We’re all inter-connected. Humans are, too, you all managed to lose your ability to hear each other sub-consciously over time, and it stopped altogether sometime in the 7^th century.”

“What? How did we do that?”

“Oh, it wasn’t anything specific. It was more a case of the more you built up your little worlds to keep others out, the less you were able to understand each other. Doors. I blame doors. And windows.”

“You mean the things that help keep us warm and dry?”

“Yes. They stopped you from gathering in large groups every evening.”

“We still do that. It’s called going to the pub!”

“Ha ha… very droll. Once upon a time you met and spoke to each other around a large fire. You shared food and stories. You understood each other on a very deep level. You knew how others felt without them having , necessarily, to communicate it verbally. Now you drown out thought with loud noise, like music or football on the big screen. And your conversations are pretty limited. Anyway, I was just saying that we consciences can still talk to each other without having to be physically close to each other.”

“Right… You were saying - Boris Johnson’s conscience?”

“Oh yes. He was exhausted! And depressed. He was even questioning whether being a conscience was his true path. Boris rarely listens…”

“And you said...”

“That you’re not too bad, but it is a frustrating job at times.”

“How am I frustrating? I try to be a good person. I literally wake up and tell myself to be the best version of myself I can be, practically every day.”

“Paul.”

“Who?”

“EXACTLY! Paul was the name of the guy you stepped over on Tuesday. He was asking for money, or food, or whatever you had. And you stepped over him and ignored him. Didn’t even look him in the eye and say sorry.”

“That drunk beggar? It’s not my fault he made bad choices. He should sober up and get his life back on track. If I had given him money, he would have just spent it on a six pack of ‘Special Brew’.”

“So judgemental! You don’t know him. You don’t know anything about him.”

“I don’t need to know. He is not my problem!”

“Maybe he is.”

“What do you mean?”

“Maybe the way you looked down on him and dismissed him out of hand without knowing his story. Maybe that IS your problem.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know, and that’s what makes my job so frustrating.”

“Oh, be quiet. I don’t have time for this.”

“You’re on a bus. You’ll be on it for another 21.5 minutes. You absolutely have the time.”

“My app says my destination is in fifteen minutes.”

“Yes, but it hasn’t updated yet to factor in the minor car crash on Vauxhall Bridge. Nobody’s hurt, but both drivers are angry and the police are on the way, so traffic is rapidly building up.”

“Oh! My phone just pinged. The app has now updated to say it will be 21 minutes! How do you do that?”

“I’m clever. So, you definitely have the time to talk about Paul. And all the other people you judge negatively without knowing them.”

“Other people? Who else have I been shitty to, then?”

“Do you really want to know?”

“Oh, God! No, of course I don’t. I’m on my way to a job interview. I was trying to only think happy, positive thoughts!”

“It might help.”

“What, you listing all my short-comings and telling me what to do? Yeah, that will really help me have a positive mindset!”

“No, you opening up your mind to being a more considerate person. It might help your ‘mindset’ when you face the three people interviewing you today.”

“I was told it was two people.”

It changed, last minute. The woman who has joined the panel is a bit of a tough-nut. Her conscience says…”

“Oh, please! Spare me! I can’t know too much about the people I’m facing. It’ll distract me if I start thinking about their faults while I’m in there. It would be like being interviewed by someone off the telly: you know them but you can’t let on how much you know! OK. Let’s stick to me. What should I know about how I handle, stroke judge, strangers? Tell me about Paul.”

"Well, my point doesn’t really need me to go into his life story, but if you must know, the reason he’s drinking on the streets is because he was in the army…”

“Oh, THAT excuse! Honestly, they knew what they were signing up for when they joined. Not my fault he can’t handle his job!”

“Wow. OK. Anyway, as I was saying. Paul was in the army. While he was stationed in Germany, his wife and two children were travelling over to join him. He was so excited! He hadn’t seen them for six months and they were going to settle there as he was garrisoned for two years just outside Stuttgart. Two little boys, aged four and one. Sweet things, they were.”

“And?”

“And they were on a coach somewhere in Denmark, near the border, when a lorry charged round the corner on the wrong side from the opposite direction. Clipped the front on the passenger side as the coach driver tried to get out of the way. Coach crashed through a barrier, rolled down a steep bank and burst into flames. No survivors. Turned out the lorry driver had been driving solidly for just over 12 hours. He was nearly at his destination and got careless. Paul was given compassionate leave, but never went back. Honourable discharge. But, no support.”

“Ok. I probably could have been more understanding. But how was I to know?”

“You weren’t. That’s kind of my point. You should really work on not judging people so harshly. You don’t know their story.”

“Fine. OK. Lesson learnt. I can be pretty judgemental. I hadn’t really thought about it before. I’ll be more aware and kinder and open to people next time.”

“Ah.”

“What?”

“There isn’t going to be a ‘next time’.”

“What do you mean?!”

“Something’s changed. A man just got on the bus. His conscience has completely given up. That guy, there! He has a knife and he’s heading straight for you… I just want you to know, you weren’t the worst… Bye!”

“wha’…?”