I Hear The Voice But Cannot See The Face

The wooden seat felt cold beneath my layered-up bottom. Icy wind blew my already messy hair around and I pulled my half coat tighter around my chest.

My hands were freezing and looking a tinge blue so I put them in the pockets of my jacket while glancing around at the almost empty park.

My eyes travelled down towards the ground and I noticed that my shoes were beginning to come apart at the toe so I made a mental note to stick the sole to the bottom of my shoe when I arrived home. ‘I’m not sure if I should just buy a new pair’ I thought ‘there are a lot of sales on at the moment.’

A tiny bird flew down and landed by my feet – probably feeling sorry for the owner! Some of its feathers were fluffy so I imagined it must be quite young. “Why are you out on your own little bird?” Its tiny brown beak opened slightly, shut again and it flew away.

I felt like getting up and walking home but something was keeping me there.  “Five more minutes” I kept saying to myself.

A youngish woman who had been pushing a little girl relentlessly on a swing had decided it was time to go so started to pack up her bag, folding the tartan blanket into a small square shape and shoving it in the bag best she could while trying to zip it up with one hand.

“I don’t want to go home Mummy” the little girl yelled. But her mother totally ignored her, picked the bag up, with the rug half hanging out of it, and marched off. “Come on Cynthia, keep up or you’ll be left behind.”

There were probably only one or two of us left in the park now - glancing around I could see a dark brown dog weaving in and out of the bushes, but no owner following. ‘Oh I hope you haven’t run away from home little doggy’ I was thinking - just before a small middle aged man came running through the bushes yelling “Jessie come here” and the dog ran to the man straight away, and they walked off together briskly.

It was now silent, and it seemed loud – a bit like the noise I hear when I lie in bed at night. It’s a kind of hissing noise but not…it’s just so hard to explain. It even seems to get louder the more you concentrate on listening, which is really odd and makes me think that perhaps one makes ‘silent’ noise up.

Where was my friend? He always turned up when I sat in the park. I never saw him coming from any direction although I swivelled my head continually. It was as if he dropped from the sky. I would feel a presence next to me, a slight brush of his arm against mine, and when I glanced next to me… he was there.

I always felt that I needed help to sort my life out. I had never been any good at decision making. As my mother always said to me “Make up your mind Grace. You couldn’t make a decision if your life depended on it!”

 I remember at school even the simplest of decisions loomed in front of me like a huge obstacle. I would get sweaty palms trying to make up my mind about something.

‘Right hands up who wants to go to the beach for the end of year celebrations?” Miss Brown had asked. We had already been given a first option of getting food delivered to our classroom and watching a movie in the library and now the hard part was choosing!

I was thinking that if the weather turned bad, as in too cool, it would be awful at the beach. Much better to watch a movie, but on the other hand if it turned out to be a hot day, the library would be stifling – no air-conditioning was ever to be used unless we were all about to melt! And you really couldn’t trust the weather man to get it right!

“Right Grace and Fiona, hands up for one of them, come on now, hurry up.” Mrs Carter yelled at us. “I will choose for you in a minute!”

“Umm I think the beach” I said half heartedly “No I’ve decided the movie.”

“Right” the teacher continued to yell, letting us all know that she already felt it was close to the end of term, and this was just something to make it worse! “Fiona, I’m putting you down for the movie too.”

I was about to stand up and walk off when I felt a warmth next to me. Without even turning I knew it was him. Even though there was something a little ‘different’ about him, I was never scared. Sometimes I felt as if he wasn’t even real but when I asked him one day if I could touch his arm, he told me I was weird. “I don’t even know why I said that” was all I could reply with.

All I knew about him was his name. Isa, and even that was strange. Sort of half of Issac. But how do I know what his mum and dad were thinking when he was born.

When I first met Isa I was walking through the park. It was pouring with rain but luckily I had an umbrella with me. I had just been handed my notice at work and of course I was upset. The rain had mingled with my tears and I had a very wet face! Remembering the fold up umbrella in my bag, I opened it up. One of the spokes was sticking out at right angles to all the others but it was keeping my head dry.

I was walking on the wet green grass, not really knowing know what I wanted to do  - I didn’t feel like going home. I had a little electric heater in my flat and it would be damp and miserable inside, a bit like me. I wouldn’t call anyone either…I felt embarrassed really. What would I say? “Hello Grace here, I just got the sack. Yes, I know the last three to get their jobs there all got the sack, but that doesn’t help me at the moment. Bye.”

My mother wouldn’t have been at all kind. “What do you mean you lost your job? They fired you. Why don’t you just say that, Grace? Goodness me, how many more jobs are you going to start and finish? When I was your age….”

That was always the cue to hang up on my mother – those words… ‘when I was your age’…

 I stood on the one spot and cried. The tissue I was using to mop up my tears was falling to bits so I

decided it was time to stop blubbering.

I glanced up to see a big gazebo looming up in the distance and thought it would be nice to sit under there and wallow. So, I did. And that’s when I first met Isa.

He just seemed to appear next to me. “Oh, you scared me” I said when he morphed on the seat. He didn’t seem to be at all wet so I wondered if he had a car?.

“Sorry you were deep in thought when I sat down. I’ll move along a little bit”.

All Isa needed to say to me was “How has your day been?” and it started me off… I just blurted it all out, the whole sorry saga about my dismissal. Then there were tears and nose blowing. (He handed me a fresh tissue, and it was much softer than the ones I used) I finished my lengthy spiel and crying with “I’m just so disappointed in myself.”

“Why are you? You did nothing wrong. Life is just a journey and along the road, bumps and twists and turns appear. How did you know that when you got the job, you and the two people who were employed before you, would all have to go, today? You didn’t have a say in it Grace.” His voice was soft and soothing and for some reason he made it sound reasonable.

“Yeah, I guess so” I replied “but now I have to find another job.”

“You will probably find something more interesting, closer to home and with a little bit more pay! Just think positively.”

After Isa left the gazebo, to go goodness knows where as he didn’t say why he had to leave, I did feel a little bit more ‘together’. I walked briskly home, dried off in front of a one bar heater (took ages) and began looking at the vacant positions for jobs.

I did find another place of employment not long after. It was closer to home, with lots of interesting people to work with, but unfortunately no more money than the previous job…still it wasn’t less pay so that in itself was ok.

I took great delight in telling my mother about my new job. She of course didn’t have anything good to say about it. “I thought you might have gone for something a little bit better than what you did before, a manager perhaps. Oh well, it’s up to you.”

I could never recall my mother being especially kind towards me. Even when I was young it wasn’t a soft, loving mother and daughter relationship. She always seemed angry and I couldn’t understand why. I can’t say that she didn’t care for me and supply my growing needs but that’s all it was.

 One day after a few weeks into my new job I popped in to see her. I took her a bunch of colourful flowers, more to lift her mood if she was in one. She was meaner spirited than usual and as I left her house, after listening to her bemoaning the lack of substance in my life, she finished with “No one will ever want you Grace, unless you change.”

I went home to change into my walking clothes, and headed for the park. I always found that being near nature, along with exercising always helped to clear my head.

In the pond, a proud mother duck was out in front of seven babies trailing behind, in a line. ‘Aww’ I thought, happily, just before I heard the words “Aren’t they cute?”

It was Isa, standing next to me. His gentle eyes looking at me with warmth and a kind of brotherly love, and that special ‘something’ I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

“Where did you come from Isa? Honestly, you’re like a ghost. And you always appear at the right time, when I need some advice!”

I never asked Isa anything – it was as if he was with me just to answer my questions! He told me that he was happier listening to me rather than telling his story. Of course, I didn’t know if it would be prying if I insisted so I just left it.

“How is the new job?” he asked me and I replied that I loved it…but then I launched into a tirade about my mother!

“I don’t know if she has ever really liked me” I said to him “She’s so unhappy, honestly, she’s miserable. No wonder I left home when I was quite young.”

“Have you ever asked her why she is the way she is?” Isa asked me quietly “You might be surprised at what she has to tell you. Do you know what happened to your father, Grace?”

“Mum just said he was injured in an accident when I was very little and didn’t survive. When I asked her what kind of accident, she wouldn’t say. But she only had one photo of him, which I thought was really odd. It was of him sitting on a swing, legs out in front of him, smiling at my mother - I presumed it was her taking the photo. He had dark wavy hair and was very handsome.

She would never talk to me about him, as if the pain was too much to bear. I asked so many times and then just thought that when I was older, I could find out for myself. As yet, me being me, I haven’t! To be honest, it’s as if we don’t really know each other.

We sat in silence for a while. The sun was sinking and shadows were forming in the gazebo. A few crunchy leaves were swirling around in a frenzy, until the wind caught them up high and carried them away. It was getting a little chilly and I took my scarf out of my bag and put it around my neck.

“Isa” I said looking at him. “How do you know if someone likes you – I mean really likes you? There’s a guy at work and I think he wants to ask me out. He’s tried a couple of times and then someone else has come along to make coffee, and he’s stopped.”

“And?” Isa said returning my stare.

“I don’t know if I should go out with him or not. I mean he hasn’t asked me yet but what if he does?”

“Grace”. He said patiently, like a father to a child. “You will have to wait until he does ask you out but if you like him….”

“Oh, I do, he’s really nice. He’s got kind eyes, a sort of grey blue colour and he’s softly spoken and….” She trailed off as Isa butted in.

“Grace, you need to be a little more decisive and proactive. Life is very short and if you get an opportunity and you feel good about it, grab it with both hands. Only you can do it.”

Silence fell once again between us, both of us processing our own private thoughts, until I realised how late it was getting and told Isa I had to get home.  I thanked him once again for helping me out with life’s problems!

I don’t know how it happened but a week later when I went to reluctantly visit my mother, her body language had changed somewhat, and to my utter surprise, on seeing her she said to me, “Hi Grace. I was hoping you would come over. I’ve been thinking…I’m not getting any younger and if the truth be known I’m not that well. I won’t go into detail as that’s not why I want to talk to you. I want to apologise.”

I had to sit down.

I looked at my mother’s drawn face and she looked really old. I felt a sadness come over me that I’d never really felt for her before. It had always been hurt or disappointment, but today seemed different.

Uncontrollable tears welled up in my eyes and I reached for a tissue before she saw them.

We talked and we both cried but we also laughed.  I was getting to know my mother, the real person she was, for the first time.  Her life hadn’t been easy, it had been a lonely life with so much hurt and rejection over the years. She had shielded me from all of this, whether that was a good or bad thing I’ll never know, but I did leave her house knowing that deep down she loved me.

I didn’t see Isa for quite a while. I couldn’t bring myself to go to the park - I knew it would be the last time I would see him, it was just a strange feeling I had. I felt the same on the final day of high school – the end of that period of my life. I was moving on.

It was a surprisingly bright and mild day when I plonked myself down on the brown wooden park bench. I didn’t see Isa but in my heart I knew he could come. As I was looking to my left , on my right I felt him sit down next to me.

“Hello Grace. You look different today!”

“Hello Isa. You know me so well, more than anyone else. I have some things to tell you…”

“Please do” he said.

“Firstly, I didn’t need to take your advice regarding my mother. She actually wanted to talk! Can you believe that? I learnt things about her that I would never have imagined. I didn’t have a father growing up, not even for a short while. He left when he found out my mum was pregnant. My mum lost the love of her life, and brought me up, on her own. I wish I had been enough to make her happy. But we can talk about things now. I’m delighted with that.”

“It’s not as easy for some as it is for others to even live life, let along happily. We just have to help by loving those who find it more difficult than we do. Now tell me about your man at work!”

“We, that is Josh and I, have been on four dates now! I took your advice about biting the bullet and I asked him out!”

“Good for you Grace”. Isa said to me. He sounded very happy for me but his eyes had a tinge of sadness to them. “So, I think you can live life on your own now…you don’t need my advice anymore. Just make your decisions and stick to them. Be happy with what you decide Grace.

Before I could say my ‘thankyou’ Isa had gone. I mean really gone. But I wasn’t worried that he had disappeared. I could still feel the warm feeling in my heart and a sort of calmness that had grown within me during our talks together.

‘Where has that lovely sunshine gone to’ I thought as the clouds appeared and the rain began to fall. It was time to walk quickly home before I got soaked.