Eternal Student

She should have been happy because it was summer and almost the end of term, but all Evie wanted to do was cry. She heard the hollow echo of her footsteps along the university walkways as she headed towards the Examination Hall that would decide her fate. By the time she’d reached the entrance, she had broken into a cold sweat.  

Eventually, she found her place. It was on the second row near the door. Once seated, she waited in an agony of discomfort for the invigilator to give the instruction to turn over the paper. Evie’s mind was as scrambled as the eggs she had left congealing in the pan in the campus kitchen earlier that morning. She had been too stressed to deal with the mound of unwashed cups and dishes that had accumulated from the previous night. In any case, clearing them up was a lost cause. Students were generally messy creatures. 

Now, her eyes were swimming as she tried to understand what the questions were asking of her. The more she looked, the less idea she had of how she was going to come up with anything approximating decent answers. She was horrified to find not a single question appeared to cover the subjects she’d spent hours revising. Questions she had been banking on getting.  

Ten minutes had ticked away already! Evie seemed to be the only one not putting pen to paper. Apart from the scribbling of pens and the odd cough, the room was as quiet as a churchyard tomb. 

Everyone seemed to be covering their sheets in information as if their lives depended on it. As far as Evie was concerned, her life actually did. She’d worked so hard to get to this position. Against all odds, she’d somehow scraped in to this hallowed academic institution, and now all her efforts were on the verge of being wasted!

Up to that point, Evie had loved every minute of university life. She’d loved the closed in community feel, the friendships – the way people had come together from all walks of life. She’d never had many friends in her hometown; now she did. Evie loved the studying, the camaraderie, even the smell of the place intoxicated her. But she was all too aware of time passing: she was haunted by the knowledge that things would soon be very different. Once she stepped foot in the real world, the safety net would be withdrawn and she’d be completely exposed.

As the day drew closer to Evie’s leaving, there had been a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach which had grown into a deep dread; she knew she would never experience another time like this. She loved university so much, she wasn’t ready to let it go.

The trouble was, after three years at university, Evie was no clearer about what she wanted to do with her life than when she’d started. Her only ambition, if she had one, was to carry on studying, and after messing up her first exam, her chances of achieving this were as distant as a mirage in a desert. She began to wonder if she wasn’t destined to turn into the eternal student who never quite achieved her dreams.

The future loomed like a monster from the abyss. After the exams were over, nothing was certain for Evie. Going back to her family was not an option. Meanwhile, her friends were all heading in different directions. Some were returning to their families; some were going to work in the city, others were to attend a year at teaching college. One planned to study law. Another was going into social work. Barring a disaster, one was smoothly on course to do a higher degree at the university they both loved. His career in academia was assured; indeed, his whole life was mapped out in a way Evie’s had never been. She tried to smother her jealousy! 

***

Evie had known she was in trouble the moment she studied the exam board layout in the student foyer. Five days of exams without a break when so many others seemed to have at least one or two days grace between each exam, allowing them more time for revision. How would she manage?

Even then, all was not lost. Providing she kept her head, things might turn out well.

But then, she was hit by this impossible first paper. A demon of an exam!

Somehow, she managed to get to the end of it, although the memory of what she actually wrote was a blur. It was a small compensation, but at least she’d managed to write something!

After it was over, Evie ran out of the exam room. She stood on the steps of the university square trembling. The air was hot and humid and a group of Chinese students were talking and laughing, soaking up the afternoon sun.  

Hey, Evie.” She turned round when a guy she recognised from lectures tapped her on the shoulder. “How you doing? How did it go?”

“Hi Joe.”

“Hey. What’s the matter? You seem upset.”

“Oh Joe. I think I’ve messed up badly. There wasn’t one part in that paper I got right.”

Evie started crying bitterly and Joe tentatively put his arm around her. “Hey. Don’t go upsetting yourself. You’ve probably done better than you think.”

“No, I really haven’t. I don’t think I’m going to get through this!” Once the words were out, Evie was terrified. She thought she was going to pass out.

“If you’re really worried you could always go to the support centre and ask for help,” Joe suggested. “I’ve heard they’re very helpful in these situations. I’m so sorry, I’ve got to go, but please look after yourself.” 

Of course, that’s what I’ll do. Why didn’t I think of that? I’ll go and see Alice right away.

The counselling service and health centre were set in grounds some way off from the main university site and were surrounded by a lake and trees. An hour or so later, Evie found herself in one of the rooms confiding her fears to Alice, a counsellor she’d seen a number of times in the last year, but who she’d always skirted round the “real issues” with. Evie had been unable to fully explain what her childhood had been like, although there were times when she’d come close. Alice gathered Evie’s home life had been abusive, but she hadn’t known the extent. Evie naively believed university would help her forget the past and was surprised when it had not. Alice with her ever ready box of tissues, her long grey skirt, blue eyes and kindly features, had listened attentively. She must have seen the signs, Evie realised later.

“I just feel overwhelmed! I don’t think I can face doing the exams. Not the way I’m feeling,” Evie cried.

“Well, the good news is we can help.”

“Can you?” Evie covered her face. “I feel like I’m making a terrible fuss here. Everyone else seemed to be getting on alright in the exam room.” Everyone else seemed alright generally. 

“You’d be surprised,” Alice said. “A lot of people struggle when it comes to exams. It’s the pressure.”

“I just can’t see how to get through…  I honestly didn’t know what else to do.”

“If you want, you can sit the rest of your exams here in the counselling centre. It’s a more informal environment, although we do have an invigilator to make sure everything is above board.”

“Really?” Evie said, wiping away her tears. “That sounds great.” 

That was how she found herself doing the rest of her exams gazing out of a window onto a view of trees and rolling green meadows She found she was not the only student sitting in that airy, light-filled room. For the time being, she felt safe, relieved to keep the world at bay a little longer.

Somehow, Evie got through the rest of the exams, but the magic of university life was fading fast. Without the hubbub of student activity, the corridors seemed empty and dreary. Out of curiosity, she found herself opening the door of one of the lecture theatres. It was eerily silent.

With friends busy preparing for different lives, things felt like they were slipping away. Evie was being left behind with no idea of what to do next. The weight of loss crushed her like grief. 

***

As far as exams were concerned, for years afterwards Evie found she couldn’t contemplate the idea of looking at another exam paper even when she wanted to progress with her career. Her sense of having “failed” was so acute, she had recurring dreams in which she was doomed to never finish her exams, no matter how hard she tried.

***

it was a long time before Evie was able to settle down and take the plunge again. Although it wasn’t easy, she attended evening college and sat in another hall to take new exams. When she finally gained her vocational qualifications, she was able to hang her framed certificates on the wall and feel a sense of pride and accomplishment.

To this day, her troubling dreams have never returned.