Jay was always afraid of this big world; she never spoke up. Her silence was everything to her. Every time she tired speaking someone always shut her up or ignored her. Silence became her comfort; she eventually found some people who loved hearing her voice and built her confidence to speak up. Jay was always afraid that people will make fun of her stutterers, but she overcame it. Being surrounded with people and rehearsing her words in her heads she became a confident speaker.
As a little girl she always wrote in her diary, she made up stories. She continued her writing as an adult, people often told her writing was amazing. But she had one secret that she was afraid to tell but she could not hold it in any longer. Jay did not want to feel trapped anymore. She wanted to be free, she knew if she would let the secret out, she will not feel trapped. Jay will get out the cage that family and society has locked her in.
She could not hide it anymore, she finally accepted that she was different from the others. Although, it was common, but some people did not like this. Her eyes always wandered off to a beautiful girl. One girl did not like her back, but that did not stop her from liking other girls. She could not help it, she tried fighting it off for the sake of her family and society. But she never succeeds, her temptations overtook her. Jay’s weakness was always seeing someone with beautiful long tresses, pretty smile and mostly seeing someone with glistening eyes. Slowly she told everyone her secret she first told her close friends, they always suspected of her being gay. They were happy for her and nothing changed in their friendship.
She knew that if she told her family they would never accept her. Although they always knew but expected that she would grow out of it. “Oh, it’s a phase don’t worry you will grow out of it. We will find you a nice boy and everything will work out fine.” But they did not understand that no matter what her heart will always yearn for a girl. When she told her parents, she was so nervous, but they still did not understand her. Even after she told them that she finally accepted who she is, they still hoped for some change to occur. She was panicking, they told her that she will get better. She was a grown woman and they still thought it was a phase that will come to an end. She figured out that no matter what she does her family will never accept her. She started to focus on herself and seeked help from the outside world. She tried mending things with her family but was always unsuccessful.
A families job is to protect each other from the badness of this cruel world, for her it was the opposite. The cruelness was within the family, but they made it seem she was the bad one and wanted to protect her from the outside world. When someone came close to her, her family always got worried and pulled them away from her. Their own insecurities made her felt insecure. But once she got her voice, she started to speak up for herself and call out their actions.
By becoming vocal and accepting her identity she became fierce. Jay broke down the wall she built within herself, that was her shield to protect herself from the world. By that it made her fearless and ready to face the world. The support of her close friends and acquaintances made her feel secure; she was ready for a change, a better change. Although she knew that some people may be uncomfortable by her actions, but she did not care. Jay wanted to be fearless and free, she finally broke down the shackles and chains that her family and society placed on her. She was winning huge battles and making her wounds visible. She raised her voice and used her voice loud and clear. She wanted to show the world that she is gay, and she is proud of who she is, and nothing will ever change that. No matter how much she fought it off and no matter how much her family pressured her nothing was going to change her mind. She knew she was not the only one fighting this battle there were many just like her who faced the same situations, and some lived in worse conditions in her.
Jay was thankful for all the curses and blessings that life threw at her, it made her stronger. Her only wish was to find a girl that she can share her love with, share her ambitions and passions with. She wanted to have a family of her own, a family that will love and care for just the way she is and not change her. Jay had one bad experience with love, and it destroyed her. This time she wants to be careful with her fragile broken heart and not give in to love too fast. Her family often mimicked her and brought her down because she was rejected by a girl, she loved the most. It brought her so much pain, when her family made fun of her, it always made her feel upset. She told them that nothing will change but they ignored her remarks. But within that excruciating pain there was always a little ray of hope when she prayed. Her prayers always made her felt at ease. Jay knew things will get better for her, they always did she just needed a little patience and to continue to work hard on her plan. She knew that she would find true love, her biggest battle she faces is that her family to accept who she is. Slowly she is learning to let that go and not having their remarks getting to her.
She took the first step of what she always wanted to do but never had the guts. Jay went and got a haircut and changed her wardrobe to look more dapper and masculine. She always dressed a bit tomboyish but now she embraced both her masculinity and femininity. Jay redirected her life in the direction she always wanted to face. Life is the ocean and we the people are boats. We often come across the crushing waves of the beauty of the destructive ocean. Only the strong boats survive the crushing winds and harsh waves. But sometimes the calmness waves can bring peace and can help to reach your destination. Are we looking for the calmness of this life or the harsh waves to make us stronger?