"I Love You"

Speak now,” he says after slamming the door and getting into the driver’s seat. He was waiting for an explanation for my actions. An explanation that I did not have. He probably thought if we were alone, I would explain it to him, why I ruined his date. It made no difference alone or in a room full of people. I do not speak; I remain silent as the events of this evening flood my brain. We were sitting in his car outside my restaurant where I worked. I had no right to do the things I did. How could I ruin his day and expect no consequences. “I don’t get a proper answer?” he asks almost weary. Yes, you deserve a proper answer if I knew the answer myself. I take him in, blond hair that falls down his forehead. Irritated look spread across his face. Crinkled shirt stained with red wine that I had purposely spilled on him. All dressed up for what was supposed to be his date. It looked like they were enjoying their time together, laughing hysterically and flirtatiously touching one another. It made me sick, taking their order, bringing their drinks. All night long watching them, tending to their needs. I had never been so irritated in my life. We had not spoken in days, mostly because of me. Then he shows up here, at my job, with a date.

“What? Are you jealous?” my coworker had asked. Jealous? Of what? Certainly not the girl he was with. I was the one that introduced them. They had the same personality and I thought they would get along well; I even encouraged them to go on a date. Yet, watching them together caused a dreadful feeling throughout my body. Maybe I was surprised they had chosen the restaurant I worked at to go on said date. Out of all the restaurants in the city, they choose this one. Maybe they thought I would give them a discount, or I would go out of my way to make their night special. Wrong. After they asked for a third round of drinks, she decides to sit next to him. This only sparked my annoyance and when I am at the table, I spill the two glasses of wine on them. “Oh my God I am so sorry!” I had said. And then I go on to explain that it was the first time it had happened to me. Out of the two years I had worked there, never did I spill anything on a customer. With teary eyes and face red of embarrassment she calls her mom to pick her up. He had offered her a ride, but she had declined. I repeatedly apologize for the “accident.” Though, I knew it was not an accident, I had purposely tipped the tray over so the glasses would fall perfectly on them. He had seen it and so had my manager. She sends me home and I am surprised that she did not fire me on the spot.

“Whatever,” he says finally giving up. He starts the beaten down car causing it to roar throughout the parking lot. We make our way home in utter silence. I lean my head on the window and think of the reasons why I had spilled the wine on them. It was out of nowhere really. They were not being rude or tedious, they were just regular customers. Maybe my coworker was right, maybe I was jealous. The only explanation as to why I was acting like a lovesick child, how ridiculous could this be. No, how could I have let this happen. For some reason he crawled under my skin and there was no way of getting him out. I roll down the window as the air in the car starts to thicken. The realization of my feelings for him have finally surfaced. My chest was burning and the lump in my throat would not allow me to breathe.

“Are you okay?” he asks momentarily taking his eyes off the road. I nod, looking at him. I had ruined his date and he still asked if I was okay. Nothing was okay anymore. His forgiving nature had probably already forgotten what I did. There was no denying it now. I love him. Maybe I had loved him since we first met. I did not know what to do. This is not what I expected. I expected to keep my head low and graduate. To move away from this small town and the awful memories it brought, is all I ever wanted. Funny how we all see our lives differently. We expect different things, different outcomes. Then life happens, you make mistakes, and you meet new people. In the end everything falls into place. I was not expecting to invite him to move in with me. He was a stranger, a friend of a friend. Half of me felt bad for him and the other half was just tired of being lonely. He was quick to agree to the lease because he had no other place to go. The lease was for a year, and for a year we had spent time together. Growing to know each other, eating at home almost every night, watching Netflix every weekend. Maybe it was inevitable for me to fall in love. Most likely he did not feel the same way. This would surely ruin the new friendship we had developed. My feelings would probably cause him to leave, and I would be alone, I would have no one. Just like before. I was fine before I met him, I could have lived with me being alone for the rest of my life. But he had come into my life and now I could not imagine it without him. I knew I would not make it another day without him. I felt clingy, I sounded clingy. It is selfish of me to think I could have him forever. I needed him, I desperately needed him. I finally sorted out my feeling, I loved him so much and if he left today, I would understand. We had arrived home, and I finally had an explanation. Why I had pushed him away. Why I had ruined his date. Why I had not spoken the entire ride home.

And when I finally do speak, I say, “I love you.”