Pop Goes The Weasel

Neil Patrick McNeil was a practical joker from a young age. His first memorable joke was sticking a wet glob of gum into Sarah’s hair in third grade. How he and his friends had roared in laughter when she ran her fingers through her long, blonde hair and encountered the tangled clump of gum and hair. Sarah cried and ran off to tattle to a teacher who reprimanded him, souring the mood slightly. He just didn’t understand why she had to do that. He liked her after all. 

Neil McNeil loved to tell anyone who’d listen how he came out of the womb making people laugh. His dream was to bring his brand of humor to the masses and with the power of social media and supportive parents, Neil was well positioned to do just that. 

On any given day, Neil could be seen working hard on his craft. He’d set up his phone and begin filming. He was especially fond of pulling chairs out from under people as they went to sit down. Neil had numerous clips of strangers and friends hitting their behinds on the hard ground below after he or an accomplice had yanked the chair away. 

These unflattering videos made up the majority of his content because in his words, “People falling on their butts is hilarious, bro!” 

During a family vacation to Cancun, Neil had gone the length and breadth of the resort knocking on people’s doors and running away, knocking over a housekeeper on one floor in the process. 

“This is what it takes to bring you guys the quality content you love and deserve!” Neil panted to his followers as he live streamed himself running through the resort hallways. His thick, dark hair flopped as he ran and his admirers flooded the chat with heart-eye and laughing emojis.       

The McNeil’s understood that social media had the potential to catapult anyone into superstardom. They believed Neil was a superstar. He had so much charisma! 

So after Neil scarcely graduated from high school, he ramped up his efforts. He had a chart on his bedroom wall showing his current followers count across all his social media accounts and a projection of how he wanted to grow those numbers over a six month period. 

He studied the metrics of his various videos and noted with dismay that engagement was beginning to plateau. His chair pulling videos had for a long time been a mainstay for him. They were low budget and there was always someone somewhere looking to sit their behind down. Alas, it seemed the people wanted something more.

And so Neil would give them more…

Neil tapped into his creative bag and decided it was time for him to pivot. With close to 70,000 followers online and a hometown that knew him and his family, Neil saw fit to step his game up. He was no small fish in the sea. He had big time ambitions and thus he had to take big swings. It was time to make art.

With the assistance of his high school buddy, Greg Leonard, whom he recruited straight off his mother’s couch, Neil began production on a feature length prank for the ages. He promised his followers that it’d be “epic”. 

***

Chris Thompson’s life was a predictably plain affair and that was just how he liked it. After a childhood spent bouncing around from foster family to foster family, Chris was determined to live adulthood on his terms. He got up at the same time everyday and smoked the same cigarette brand before work. Every year he watched his beloved New York Jets play and lose. He frequented the same bar with the same disappointed Jets fans to commiserate annually. 

Chris worked as a security guard at a luxury, high rise apartment building in Manhattan. His schedule had remained unchanged over the last 15 years and his job was undemanding. The residents at 500 Lux were old, wealthy and peaceful. They gave him no trouble and on occasion, they gave him sizable tips. Considering the turmoil of his youth, Chris felt he had a pretty sweet gig. 

That was until one day a lanky young man walked into the lobby of his building and fell down in the middle of the lobby floor. Chris jumped to his feet and approached the man who had started convulsing and writhing around. 

“Sir, are you OK?” Chris said as he kneeled down next to the distressed man. 

The man didn’t answer, instead he sputtered and flailed his arms. 

“Do you need an ambulance? I’m going to call you an ambulance. Hold on, man.” Chris’ heart was pounding and adrenaline was coursing through his body. Someone was having a real medical emergency in front of him and if he didn’t act fast, he feared the young man could be in serious trouble. 

Chris got up from his kneeling position and hustled over to his desk to get his phone. He returned to kneel by the struggling man and unlocked his phone to dial 911. But before he could punch the number in, the man stopped and convulsing and spoke clearly, 

“Got you, you fat fuck! Hahaha!” and from seemingly out of nowhere, the man pulled out a small squirt gun and sprayed water all over Chris who was completely blindsided by everything.

“Hey! What the hell?!” Chris furiously wiped his face and tried to get up. 

However, the man on the ground grabbed Chris’ pants at the waist and yanked them downwards with all his might. This effectively left the embattled security guard with his whole behind exposed.

Still laughing, the young man sprang to his feet, grabbed the company issued laptop that sat on the guard desk and yelled before running out the door,

“Bet you can’t catch me!” 

A second young man who had remained mostly out of view also ran out. In his hand was a cellphone pointed squarely at Chris as he gasped for air and tried to pull up his pants. The whole scene was an undignified sight.

The mailman who had been unloading deliveries for 500 Lux as the incident took place rushed inside. 

“Hey man, are you alright?” The mailman’s brow was furrowed with concern.

Chris’ breathing was labored. He tried to speak but a wave of emotion overtook him and he began to cry. The events of the last few minutes had rattled him greatly and his work issued laptop was gone. A few residents had since gathered in the lobby and witnessed his lowly state. This was officially the worst day of his life since the sleep deprivation debacle at his last foster home placement many, many years ago.   

Down the block, Neil and Greg couldn’t breathe on account of the laughter and running. Greg was still recording and Neil proudly brandished the laptop he’d grabbed off the guard desk for all his followers to see.

“Yo! Look at me,” Neil said in an incredibly offensive Somali accent. “I’m the security guard now!” He and his family had recently watched the movie Captain Phillips and that scene in particular made an impression. Now Neil broke out the accent at random and left mostly himself in stitches every time. 

Facing the camera, Neil composed himself and addressed the ten thousand plus people that had tuned in to his “epic” livestream. 

“So, now that I’m in possession of this Chase Security Corp laptop, does that mean I’m the new security guard? It only seems right, you know. I beat that fat ass fair and square for the right to be head of security. I feel it’s only right. But y’all let me know what you think. My partner Greg - say hi Greg,” 

At this, Greg turned the phone camera to face himself and waved before focusing back on his friend and leader, Neil. 

“So Greg and I will be bringing you more action packed comedy. You don’t want to miss it. Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe to my channel. Smell you later bitches!” 

Neil signed off with a raised middle finger and with that, the two boys headed back to the suburbs of New Jersey where they both lived. 

Back at 500 Lux, the atmosphere was still fraught with unease. Despite Chris’ protestations, an ambulance was called to take him to the hospital. His breathing was still labored and his heart was pounding out his chest nearly half an hour later. Half a dozen residents had gathered in the lobby and been briefed by the mailman of the humiliating incident. They shook their heads in dismay and insisted their beloved security guard get in the ambulance, stating they would collectively cover the exorbitant cost. Chris relented and allowed the paramedics to help him into the ambulance and he was rushed off to a nearby hospital. 

Some three hours later, Chris was discharged and given strict instructions to rest over the next 48 hours and monitor his blood pressure closely. The doctor advised that he’d be fine but the cardiac episode was to serve as a wake up call. Chris had subsisted on a diet of beer and cheese for the better part of 45 years and the events of that afternoon had startled his beleaguered heart.

 As he walked home, Chris fought back tears. He’d never done anything to anyone. In fact he made it a point to avoid human interaction in an effort to protect himself from trouble. Yet trouble had found him. It had sought him out and capitalized on his vulnerability. 

Over and over the scene played back in his head in an endless loop. He questioned himself and his actions. Every “should’ve, would’ve, could’ve” scenario cropped up in his mind driving him crazy. 

“I should’ve grabbed my gun and pulled the trigger.” He thought as he unlocked the door to his very modest one bedroom apartment. The quiet magnified his thoughts and he sighed. Not knowing what to do after such a tumultuous day, Chris threw himself into his old arm chair and stared blankly at the wall until he fell into a restless sort of sleep. 

Greg spent the night at Neil’s house. They believed they made a great team and couldn’t wait to work on more pranks and eventually go Hollywood. It was Greg who had scouted the venue and victim for that day’s comedic prank. Greg’s grandparents had made ungodly amounts of money during the 1950s and 60’s and were living out their days in the prestigious 500 Lux apartments. 

Greg and the Leonard family would occasionally travel from New Jersey to New York to visit the grandparents and on these visits, Greg had noticed the rather rotund guard who was always stationed at the security desk. Greg always wondered if this man could really intervene and stop an assailant given that he didn’t look particularly fast.    

So when he and Neil were brainstorming new ideas for pranks, the security guard at his grandparent’s building sprang to mind and the joke wrote itself from that point. The boys went to sleep riding on an insurmountable high from their exploits that day.

Greg’s sister Marybelle was scrolling on her phone in her dorm room 100 miles away. She came upon her brother’s profile and noted that he’d posted something earlier in the day. He had been talking about a creative project he was deeply involved in but he didn’t offer many details beyond that. Figuring this was a glimpse into his work, Marybelle clicked on the video. Perhaps creative pursuits were his life calling because nothing else seemed to grab Greg’s attention and motivate him. She watched the video and immediately recognized the building and the security guard stationed at the desk. She also recognized Neil with his floppy hair and lanky frame. 

After watching the three minute long harassment of Chris, Marybelle’s stomach sank. This was what Greg opted out of college to pursue. She put her phone down and sat speechless for a long time. What was actually wrong with these guys, she thought. Finally pulling herself out of her stupor, Marybelle privately messaged her brother, imploring him to take down the ridiculous video and reconsider this path of idiocy he was currently on. Hundreds of people had already seen the video and were processing their own feelings over it, too.      

Elsewhere, surveillance footage from the lobby cameras was being observed by NYPD and a hulking, red faced lawyer who worked for the building owners. Together, the cops and the lawyer documented what they saw and discussed the various charges they could each pile on the heads of the young men. The company issued laptop was still missing and so a charge of theft could easily be made. After interviewing Chris who was feeling better albeit still on edge, the lawyer felt he could make a case for assault. There was just the small matter of identifying the culprits. 

   Over at NYPD 1st precinct, a young detective decided to reach out to the public for tips on identifying the prankster. Posting on every social media account he could think of, Detective Gomez asked for anyone with information on the identity and whereabouts of the man in the video to contact him. He sat with a serious expression on his face and waited. 

His colleagues who were working on gory homicide cases chuckled as they walked past his desk. Imagine having to work the case of the anonymous pantser! They laughed.   

It came to pass that one Sarah Goodman was visiting her family during Spring Break. Both her parents had taken a liking to Facebook in particular for it gave them a platform to indulge in endless conspiracy and also propagate their own conspiracies to their friends and family. Sarah was looking over her Father’s shoulder as he scrolled down his feed. He’d just updated his profile picture with her help and was patiently waiting for the likes to roll in. 

As he scrolled, a post from the NYPD showed up on his feed. Mr. Goodman followed every police department in the Tri-state area on Facebook and as such was inundated with news and updates from law enforcement in the region. He was always alert to posts by the police department in case his services as a citizen detective were needed. 

The post he saw that day was seeking the public’s help in identifying an individual wanted for theft and assault. He watched the attached video and ranted at length about the decay of society. His daughter Sarah watched the video clip as he spoke and had no doubt about who it was. 

“That’s Neil. I went to elementary and middle school with him and he was always a jackass.” Sarah said, remembering not too fondly the day when he stuck gum in her hair years ago. Sarah was over the cruel joke he played on her back when they were kids. Her hair had grown back after having to be cut short due to the unmanageable tangle. She had kept her distance from him ever since, despite a handful of people trying to convince her that boys were mean to girls they liked. She wasn’t that eager to be liked.  

The trouble with Neil McNeil was that his sense of what was funny was mostly skewed. Sure once in a great while he could stumble into something mildly funny but he was really just an obnoxious bully with a camera, a sidekick and delusional parents that were just as reprehensible as their son. 

Detective Gomez received a tip from an anonymous caller with a gruff voice. The caller identified the suspect in the video and hung up unceremoniously. With that, charges could be pursued in earnest. Meanwhile his colleagues still had no clue who was responsible for a rash of homicides on the Lower East Side. 

“Who’s laughing now?” Gomez thought.