Desperate Remedies - Garlic Girl

The changing seasons in Zambia always signaled the return of my three sisters from the Diaspora, each arrival was a delightful reunion filled with laughter and love. "Sera, we're coming back home for summer!" their voices echoed through the mobile phone, their excitement clear even through the crackling connection. And so, with flights booked for 11^th August, 13^th August and 15^th August, I prepared for their arrival as a seasoned hostess.

Cleaning became my anthem as I danced through the house, rearranging furniture and stocking up on toiletries fit for royalty. My family had a 5-acre farm at our disposal, we had no shortage of accommodations for friends and family, and I meticulously assigned each sister their own cosy abode for the duration of their stay. And of course a holiday gathering would not be complete without a little extra help? I enlisted the aid of three trusted cleaning ladies; their diligent hands ensured that not a speck of dust dared tarnish my sister’s holidays.

But just as excitement reached its peak, disaster struck in the form of a despicable sniffle which threatened to cast a shadow over our eagerly anticipated sister reunion. "Oh no, not now!" I lamented, visions of sneezing fits and quarantine nightmares danced around my head like mosquitoes. COVID had already cast a shadow over our country and the last thing I needed was a suspicious sniffle leading me into isolation.

With Vicks vapour rub in hand, I waged war against the encroaching flu, slathering myself in a desperate bid for immunity. But as the afternoon wore on and my symptoms persisted, panic began to set in. That's when my daughter Kaluba came to the rescue, her youthful enthusiasm undaunted by the prospect of unconventional natural remedies.

"Mummy, look what I found!" she exclaimed, brandishing her mobile phone like a beacon of hope. And there it was, amidst a sea of dubious advice: garlic, the unsung hero of kitchen pantries, purported to possess the miraculous ability to ward off even the fiercest flu. But the catch? It wasn't destined for a pot of soup or a savory dish—it was destined for the most unexpected of destinations – my virginal tract.

I recoiled in disbelief, my hands instinctively crossing over my waist in a gesture of self-preservation. "Kaluba, you expect me to do that?" I protested, my skepticism warring with desperation. But Kaluba just laughed, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Mummy, are you a doubting Thomas or do you want a cure?" she teased, a mischievous grin played on her lips. And so, armed with equal parts fear and determination, I embarked on a journey that would forever change the way I viewed home remedies—because when it comes to keeping my sisters and our holiday plans safe, no garlic bulb is too unconventional, no remedy too absurd.

The recipe instructions read as follows:

1.     Select a single bulb of garlic.

2.    Peel away the outer layer of the garlic to reveal the clove within. Thoroughly wash the garlic, ensuring it is clean and free of any impurities.

3.    Sew a string to one end, allowing for easy removal after use.

4.   Wash your hands and carefully insert the garlic into your vaginal canal and patiently await its therapeutic effects.

It's hard to believe, but after inserting the garlic, my flu symptoms started to fade away. I was overjoyed, yet I couldn't bring myself to admit to Kaluba that I had taken her advice. The thought felt too delicate and embarrassing to share. "Mom, did you try that YouTube hack?" Kaluba asked. I tried to brush it off but her persistence was like a pressing iron pushing every corner of me to answer her question. With a cunning glance, she caught onto my silence. "Mom, you're being mischievous," she teased. I couldn't help but smile shyly and respond, "for my sisters, I'd do anything," Then she knew I had done it.

Meeting my sisters on their scheduled arrival date filled me with excitement. I enthusiastically waved as each of them approached, eager to greet them with a hug. I soon realized though that my affectionate gesture was a danger to all of them especially with my impending flu and so when my twin sister Agatha arrived we just held hands. Agatha mentioned her fondness for onion and garlic soup, which served as a stark reminder of the garlic that was stashed inside of me. I determined in my heart to remove it once I returned home.

Once everyone had drifted off to sleep, I cautiously made my way to the bathroom to extract the garlic. My sisters had a tendency of being nosy and often they would barge into the toilet without warning to ask me something. It was therefore essential that I was alone in the bathroom especially that the door had no lock. I was in a swatting position and I tugged at the garlic, but all my efforts only seemed to shove the garlic deeper in. After several attempts, I threw in the towel. It felt like I was starring at my own episode of Mr. Bean's comedy show, his nose antics with hilarious expressions. I was on the verge of becoming the main actor in our family comedy show and my sisters would have a field day, and I'd be forever mocked. 

I drifted off to sleep, only to wake with excruciating pain twisting my stomach. Tears streamed down my cheeks as my sisters, in a panic, rushed me to the doctor's office. "Please, have a seat," the receptionist said gently, but I was too consumed by agony to even utter my name. "What's wrong? You're still alive, madam, speak," the doctor urged as tears continued to flow uncontrollably. Finally, I blurted out, "Doctor, I... I... I put a piece of garlic in my vaginal canal." The doctor's eyes widened in surprise! "You mischievous thing," he chuckled. Hastily, I explained that it wasn't what he assumed; it was just an innocent hack gone awry.

"Where did you stumble upon this 'innocent hack'?" the doctor inquired with a mix of curiosity and concern. "From the internet," I admitted, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. "And what is your educational background?" he continued, his tone gentle yet probing. "I hold a degree in Economics," I confessed, feeling a pang of shame at the admission. "You have a degree, and yet you have yet to grasp that not all internet hacks are safe to try," he remarked, his words punctuating the severity of the situation with a sobering reality check.

"Can you show me the clip?" the doctor requested.

"Doctor, please, I have already deleted it," I confessed, my voice trembling with shame and urgency.

 "Doctor, please, just help me," I pleaded.

The doctor beckoned the nurse and briefed her on my medical situation. Her expression turned visibly startled and her face turned red. As we exited the doctor's office, she wasted no time in bombarding me with questions about the garlic's whereabouts. Like an newspaper journalist she recorded what the doctors informed her. I confirmed my earlier confession, and surprisingly, shame began to dissipate. With a determined look, she slid on her gloves, pulling them up to her elbow. Instructed to remain still, I braced myself as she plunged in, her reassurances to relax ringing loudly in the room. I wanted to calm her down; her anxious energy was contagious. But before I could speak, the garlic was retrieved, and a wave of relief washed over me.

"Congratulations, you're now the infamous Garlic Girl," the nurse announced with a hint of amusement. I eyed her warily, sensing her inclination towards teasing me. Tempted to flee before facing the doctor, I hesitated, but was promptly reminded of the pending consultation. Just as I reached for my phone, it buzzed with an incoming call. "Would you like your garlic as a memento of your little mishap?" the nurse quipped on the other end of the phone. “No”, I answered.

As we left the hospital, I kept the entire incident tucked away as a clandestine memory until when I am recounting the events of that September day in this competition. I pray you the readers and my sisters won't judge my intellect, but that you will understand that my sole intention was to revel in my sisters’ company. Even as I enter this competition, I continue to relish my sisters’ company, dancing, swimming, and indulging in forbidden treats of food and chocolates. As the days unfold, it's clear: all is well that ends well.

To all my readers, please heed this advice over my desperate remedy: just because "Garlic Girl" survived her ordeal, it doesn't mean you should try it. Experimenting with garlic in such a manner can have fatal consequences or like me the desperate remedy can turn into a shameful experience where you are mocked.