Sniff Eat, Sniff Sleep,
Sniff Poop, Sniff Drink
Sniff Walk, Sniff SQUIRREL SQUIRREL SQUIRREL!
My Luke barks at me in a language I barely understand causing his shorts to crinkle,
His spiky walking boots giving him extra air as he ridiculously stamps his feet at my behaviour,
I can’t help it! It’s in my blood, squirrels are my nemesis,
Well anything small and annoying are on my list,
Birds, rats, squirrels, foxes, cats and the rest,
I mean I wouldn’t eat one, I’d have to catch one first,
The moment I catch a whiff the shutters come down and I see red,
The faint echoes of my Luke’s barks in my head as I dash off to get me some of that speedy rat,
Somehow able to run faster than me whilst carrying multiple nuts in its hands and mouth,
The cheek of it! Literally and figuratively.
One day I’ll have that extra yard, just you wait!
Bursting through a bush my paw hits a sharp twig and OW!
I slow down instantly and lift my paw as I wait for reinforcements,
My Luke, crinkley shorts revealing his location, grabs my harness whilst still barking into my sensitive ears,
He sees my paw, checks the splinter and then pulls it out,
I squeal loudly but the pain in my paw has mostly gone,
In case you were wondering I do this a lot yet he still lets me off the lead,
I guess both of us never learn or I enjoy the chase too much,
The lead’s click snapped my squirrel blinds open and I reverted back to Good Dog mode,
His barking stopped and I trotted nicely next to him,
I could hear my Luke’s puffing and spluttering next to me,
I think chasing after me down that hill and through that bush had taken it out of him,
Maybe I should try harder not to succumb to my nature,
But I love it too much,
I’ve been on so many courses in smelly halls where some dog whisperer tries to convince me not to react,
I bet they would behave the same if it was a tasty burger or bottle of wine,
I noticed I’ve not been to see the whisperer lately,
Maybe I’ve won? Maybe my Luke is biding his time?,
His breathing is back to normal as we head down the hill towards the lake,
The sun is glistening so much I have to squint until the fur on my face has scrunched into a ball,
I increase the wag of my tail to create my old cooling system,
Sometimes panting just isn’t enough to cool my body down,
Now my fun has been cut short I have to focus on my second favourite hobby… sniffing bums,
Dogs mostly of course!
When I was a pup I tried sniffing other owner bums and it didn’t go well,
My Luke was always apologising and then laughing afterwards,
To be honest owner bums are very smelly and not in a good way,
They wake up without even changing their pants and take out their pooches for long walks,
Imagine that… smelly breath, smelly pants and we’re the dirty ones?
They’re the filthy animals… especially the old ones… yuck!
Almost put me off my food,
Not really… nothing puts me off my food!
We walked past the lake, out of the field and jumped down onto the country path,
I pull Luke in the direction that smelt the nicest,
He drags me in the opposite direction even after I respond with a few groans,
I dragged my feet for a while letting him know I was NOT happy,
But then I picked up a scent… not just any scent,
My favourite scent,
A few seconds later I saw her coming in the opposite direction,
Her long fluffy face and legs making all my hair stand on end,
If I could see colours I imagine she’s golden brown,
With a wet black nose and tongue shining in the morning sun,
I pulled Luke even faster to my destination so I could get up close and personal,
He tried to hold me back but the power of my emotions took over,
Luke started his apologetic tone towards the other owner whilst I began to woo my future love,
I sniffed her face and mouth to help understand what her favourite meal was,
If I was going to take her for a doggy date I needed some pointers to make sure it went well,
Tuna with… carrots? Cabbage? No, one more sniff will help,
I would ask her but she’s giving me the slow wag sexy silent treatment,
SNIFF! Sausage? SNIFF! Broccoli! Yummy!
I will try and add them to Luke’s big shop this week,
My paw isn’t great on a tablet but I’ll try to tap in my order when he’s not looking,
My Luke’s tone has changed, his shorts less crinkled, and he’s smiling at my new love’s owner,
I move on from her furry face to her backside,
Sticking my nose under her waggy feather duster tail,
Wow! Like a scent from doggy heaven,
Smells like that chocolate treat I get from Luke if I’m a good boy,
Come to think of it I’ve not had one lately,
I’d definitely be a better pooch for her,
I’d never sniff another dog booty again,
Well less of them anyway,
My nose is tingling with every sniff,
Then out of nowhere a cold sensation hits my rear end,
Her nose was repaying the favour as we dance around each other’s rears,
I hope she likes what she smells,
I hadn’t cleaned myself down there this morning,
She’s not throwing up or pulling her owner away,
So I must have passed her sniffing stench standards,
I wagged my tail even faster with joy,
If I go any faster I may become the world’s first dog helicopter,
Then out of the corner of my eye I see my Luke,
Behaving really weird towards the other lady owner,
He never talks to anyone on our walks!?
His tone has changed from apologetic to friendly to something else,
My Luke is giggling at the lady
He’s getting closer to my love’s owner as if he’s about to,
OH NO YOU’LL RUIN IT! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!
I drag him away before he gets carried away,
My Luke is barking at me again as I pull away from my love’s sniffy nose and drag him down the path,
Never been so embarrassed in my doggy life!
There I am trying to woo the love of my wonderful canine life,
And he’s about to ruin it by… I can’t even say it!
I hope he hasn’t ruined my chances,
Might have to send him on a course,
Although my love’s owner did seem to be enjoying talking to Luke too,
We were finally safely away from the drama so I could walk normally again,
Looking up at Luke who had gone silent I saw his pugging face staring back at me,
Seen enough pugs in my time to notice the expression,
Maybe I was a bit harsh,
I suppose we both deserve to be happy,
My Luke looked down at me, began to smile and stroked my ears,
OH ALRIGHT! Pulling Luke kicking and screaming back the way we came I prayed to Lord Dog that it wasn’t too late,
Sniff Pull, Sniff Run
Sniff Whiff, Sniff Wag
Sniff Phew, Sniff Friend