Paula's Refuge

Dream Session #9

Little Paula ran around in a circle outside the cabin and threw the model plane she’d helped her dad make before he died. The engines came to life and with a small, proud roar the little plane flew up, up and away, heading straight towards the giant eyeball in the sky.

It came back to her safe, but her smile was gone. There was no way to avoid seeing the giant eyeball as it sat in the clouds, round and watery and lacking eyelids so it always seemed to stare at her. Aimee had gotten used to it though. She barely looked at it and assured Paula it was fine whenever she started to fret. He still couldn’t stop fretting about it though. Even though it had never done anything, it was still weird and scary, and reminded her of all the other weird and scary things outside the refuge.

That thought made her pause. She couldn’t quite put her finger on what was outside the refuge, or how she’d gotten there, or where Aimee had gone. She found herself looking around with eyes widened with fright, taking in the calm bush cabin, with the serene pond beside it and the cosy fire pit out the front, expecting something horrible to jump out at any second. The little plane flew around her head, and she felt so stupid that she’d been playing with a toy while she was alone in such a strange, dangerous place. As she scolded herself, the plane slowed, and its engine made hurt puttering sounds. It dropped out of the sky and crashed on a rock by her feet. It didn’t break though, because nothing bad could happen in the refuge.

Paula dropped down to the plane and let out a long breath as she remembered her therapist Katie telling her that nothing bad happened in the refuge. At least, nothing bad could happen if she trusted in the abilities of her and her friends and family to keep all the bad stuff out. This was her dream, in her mind, and she was in control.

She picked up the plane and let it fly around close to the ground. She didn’t want to look up at the big mind’s eye or whatever that thing in the sky was supposed to be. She was pretty sure she wasn’t supposed to be aware she was in a dream, so she chased after the plane and pretended she could dream like a normal person. It skimmed over the flowers, causing bright, glowing insects to emerged and flutter over to her. The next loop, Paula followed the plane over to the pond next to the cottage and smiled as the diamond-scaled koi watched it fly over them. This was a nice place, and confusing dream or not, it was hard to stay uneasy for too long.

She just wished Aimee would get back and play with her. Even though she could almost grasp why she had stepped away, the thought of her friend out there in her mind was a constant deadweight in the back of her mind. Paula couldn’t quite remember what was out there that should stay hidden, but as the revving of an engine started to get closer, she knew that there was a possibility of Aimee seeing something that would ruin their friendship.

Paula’s plane flew between two paperbark trees and disappeared. She ran over to the trees and saw that the air between them had turned weird. A tear in reality floated between the trunks: a hole in the sky just big enough for a toy plane to crash through. Now Paula’s heart was starting to race. It was dangerous beyond the Refuge, but Aimee would be so angry if he lost the toy plane. She gulped down a lungful of air and pulled at the rip, tearing down the vision of enchanted trees and mushrooms ahead like paper to reveal a dingy, narrow hallway illuminated by a flickering sick orange light.

She jumped through the torn sky before she completely lost her nerve. She didn’t like dark enclosed spaces, so when she landed in the hallway she had to lean against the wall and take deep breaths. There were pipes and wires running along the wall, like she was in a submarine or some sort of movie maintenance tunnel. From here, the hole back to the bright, magical Refuge seemed so tiny. There was no trace of the model plane, and even though there were only two directions she could pick to search, Paula just knew she’d go the wrong way and get lost.

She ran through the exercise Katie had given her. Stop thinking about the lost plane, and list five things she could see. Five unusual things. The pipe closest to her had the word ‘dopamine’ printed with an army-style stencil. That was one. There was a pressure gage near the ‘dopamine’ label. The needle was really low. That was two. There was a brake in a pipe labelled ‘serotonin’ not far to her left. That made three. Four was the red light that had just lit up on a panel to her right with the words ‘GABA’ stenciled on the side. Five was the black vine that was crawling along another pipe near the rip.

She moved onto sounds next, and kept checking her surroundings. She got all the way to ‘three things I can feel’ #2 (the Norepinephrine pipe under her hand was growing uncomfortably hot) when Aimee’s face popped through the rip, her own breathing fast and her painted brows creased as he called Paula’s name.

“Aimee I’m sorry” Paula said.

“It’s okay, it’s okay” Aimee said, holding out her hand. “Let’s get back to the Refuge. Are you alright Paula?”

“I lost the plane. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about that. We’re in your mind, we can’t really lose anything. Look;”

Aimee held out her other hand, and the plane suddenly started flying in from deep down the corridor. It landed on her hand, and he handed it to Paula.

“See?” Aimee said. “It’s all good.”

“I’m sorry for being so stupid” Paula said.

“You’re not stupid” Aimee said. “It’s supposed to be easy to forget where we are. And I wouldn’t be angry even if you did lose the plane forever. It’s just a toy. Anyway, I have an even better surprise for you.”

Paula took Aimee’s hand and let the older girl lead her back to their cabin. She pretended not to notice the way Aimee’s glance lingered over the various dials in the corridor, and likewise pretended to be surprised at the big yellow quadbikes by the firepit. She didn’t think people going through dream therapy were supposed to remember if something was a repeat from a previous session.

Of course, it was just like her to ruin what was probably an expensive experiment with her own messed up mind. Not even being able to dream properly was typical of her. She pasted a smile on her face as Aimee bounced around the bikes, pulling out a cocktail and a spike-tipped baseball bat.

“Katie thinks your almost ready for her to come in and tour your mind” Aimee said. “Want to practice by going out there and smacking down some bad memories?”

This offer sounded way too familiar. How many times had Paula failed this test?

There was a bang behind her and a thick squigglygum shook, coating Aimee and Paula both with leaves and magic glowing bugs. They both turned to look and saw shadowy figures standing between the trees. They seemed to be holding photos up to an invisible barrier, but a gentle breeze was blowing leaves and fine dust towards them, making it hard to distinguish the images. Then the sparkling insects started fluttering before the figures, further blocking them out.

“Those are my memories right?” Paula asked. “All the bad things that have happened?”

“Yeah, probably” Aimee said. “But they can’t get to you in here.”

“But if you see them,” Paula said. “If you see them and understand just what type of person I am, then you won’t help me keep this place secure.”

“No” Aimee said. “No no never. Don’t even think that.”

“But I –“

“Here, drink your daiquiri.”

Paula took the glass Aimee shoved her way, and gave it a dubious look.

“Aimee, I’m like, seven or something.”

“You’re nineteen like me” Aimee said. “The whole de-aging thing is part of the therapy. Some sort of ‘learning to be vulnerable’ and ‘building trust better as a child’ logic. I get it, but I’ve never really liked it. You’re my best friend, and I’m going to stick by you and treat you the same no matter what. Being like a big sister instead is weird.”

Paula smiled and sipped her drink. She didn’t like the thought of being nineteen; she could see the silhouette of a young lady about that age beyond the barrier with all the bad memories, and what she could make out of her made her stomach flip. But if Aimee knew her at her worst and was still willing to follow her into her messed up mind, maybe it would take more than a few shameful memories to scare her away.

“Are the zombies fading away?” Aimee asked, as the glowing butterflies blocked out the bad memories and mental images.

“I think so” Paula said. “Hey Aimee, I think I can remember you offering to take me out there to smash up my thoughts before. In other sessions. I know I’m not supposed to remember that…”

“There’s no right way to dream” Aimee said. “Just like there’s no right way to recover from trauma. It’s different for everyone, and we’re here to go at your pace.”

“What actually happened to me?” Paula asked.

“I… I’m not too sure. I don’t think it’s time to bring that in here anyway.”

“But if we go out there and smash up bad memories, we might figure it out?”

“Yeah” Aimee agreed, glancing at the fading figures between the trees. “But if it gets too bad, we can come right back. Nothing bad happens in the Refuge.”

“I really am safe here?” Paula said. “And you won’t hate me, you’ll bring me back?”

“Right back here. Then we can play a board game or something. They come to life in here.”

“If you’ll stay with me, I think I can do it.”

“Really? You sure.”

“No… but yes.”

Paula took a swig of her drink and climbed on the quadbike. There was a cupholder for the cocktail, because of dream logic she supposed. She felt absolutely terrified, but she couldn’t see the shady figures between the trees anymore. No matter what happened, she had this safe place to come back to.

“Ready?” Aimee said, climbing on her bike and getting a good grip on her bat.

“Ready” Paula said, grabbing her own bat and nodding.

They drove out of the Refuge, with Paula’s eye in the sky watching and taking note.

THE END