The View from Within

In a world of many more I stand alone, a rectangle of clear and tranquil water reflecting the universe beyond. Through the frame that binds me I watch the life evolve before me, a gorgeous and delicate soul, now fifteen. In her, I see the dazzling being she’ll come to be; but in me, she sees the distorted figure of her inner feelings.

She used to be so funny, her costumes and makeup on a parade just for me, but it’s all fading away in a watery memory. 

I miss the glint of her smile that I haven’t seen for a while. 

I’ve been through it all, the smiles, the tears, the dresses and cheers.

But this is different.

I’ve seen her room change, from bright pink to purple to dark blue, her rosy bed to her black-out curtains and LED lights. I’ve seen the friends, the boys, and now just herself. 

What I see is who she is as she stands before me. 

What she sees is a sick lie; but I can’t show her the truth, no matter how hard I try.

But this is different.

I had watched them grow.

I should have known.

The thoughts that prosper when one is alone. 

“Stop!”

As you marched away I turned back. I ventured against the current, paddling upstream through the water of my trickling memory. I pushed past the pebbles of the dark blue to purple to pink room and I swam through the forgotten fish of the friends and boys of the past. I searched for the seed, the idea that gave birth to the dark creatures lying at the bottom of the river, reaching up with their claws. But I could only see within the boundaries that contained me. 

After all I fought, I couldn’t find the initial thought, and yet as I probed the water I could see how it prospered. I stopped paddling in despair and as I drifted down the flow of the lifetime I watched her feed it and saw how it grew. 

This was a monster you feed with thoughts and nightmares.

It hides in a corner, as you sit in yours. With your face buried in your arms, ashamed of who you are, it tastes bite after bite of your hatred deep inside. With the thoughts that you serve it, the monster engulfs it and stabs where you’re vulnerable, begging for more. Like a stack of dominoes, one thought triggers another, and the beast advances deeper and deeper, growing bigger and stronger towards the pain that you hide. Once it finds it, it brings it to light, and makes you embrace it, accept it, become it.

I had watched her come back one day and sit on the purple bed, where she refused to budge. I saw the tears drench her knees where she buried her head, feeding the seed that had sprouted inside her. From there she sulked to a dark blue room and the blackout curtains, surrendering little by little to the monster within. 

Every day she stood before me, staring at the false reality the demon had conceived, her thoughts so strong they stuck on the pane like letters written in steam. However, there I lay, watching in horror at how the distortion consumed her. 

Yet despite the lies engraved in her eyes I had my own thoughts sprouting from the innocence she left behind. I longed that beyond the monster’s deceptions and past her own dark intentions lay a fragment of the girl she was and the woman she is destined to become. 

My hope may have been just another lie, but it also might have been the cure to the sorrow inside. 

But all was lost on the day my thoughts died. All it took was one gaze to confirm what I had denied. 

She walks into the room on the dark and rainy Sunday, the sky matching the sensations morphing within her. She paces her room as the thunderclouds consume the remaining blue that had been peeking through. Finally, she stops, standing before herself, distorted, ugly and useless. 

The being inside whispers her own thoughts to confirm what she sees and believes. 

I watch in despair at the person she had become, at how she embraced the deceit and urged to act upon it. I feel my frame and resolve cracking in anguish and I build my remaining strength as she abandons her own. 

One facing the other, yet each feeling so alone.

I look in her eyes and I see the demon inside, one that tricks and deceives even though everything is fine.

“You’re beautiful!” I cry but nothing makes it to the other side. I am merely a vessel, an echo of one’s figure and gaze. With the tears in the glance I see the idea that I project back with the grief and loathing that she tries to restrain.

I try to hide the lie that she believes and show her what I truly see but the image of a body becomes murky when touched with the poison of self-hatred. Although I perceive the truth of her beauty all I can do is weep along with the tears she sheds before me.

“You can’t give in!” I scream.

But with such a narrow scope of the world, a vertical slit in the cloth of a lifetime, dependent on others’ stance and dreams, all I can reflect is their own view from within.

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Thank you for reading! I know it’s been a while, but this prompt motivated me in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time. As always, feedback is always appreciated and I thank you all in advance for the support! 

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