i could hear you

I am a monster. I have killed those I call friend. Each time, feasting on their defeat. I am a monster.

——

The final moments of someone’s life should be celebrated, adored, and even mourned. The end of a lifetime is a momentous occasion and not to be taken lightly. It was supposed to mean something.

Killing him, defeating him was supposed to let me feel something; anything. To make sense and fulfil a purpose I had been striving towards for so damn long. Everything had been meticulously planned, from the time of day to what I would wear. Everything. 

I was ready. I was willing. I was able. 

So why do I hesitate now? 

Why hesitate when he’s bleeding out on the floor of this old house? When he’s coughing up vibrant crimson blood, when his brown eyes shine bright like molten gold with unshed tears, and when I hold the knife in my grasp. I’m ready for the finishing cut, the last stab, to watch the life drain out of his body. 

I had dreamt of this moment for so damn long. Years of my own life was dedicated to ending his.

Why hesitate? Why bother waiting?

“-ust do it. Kill me already.” I can hear his weak, weak voice. An echo in my skull, mocking and insulting and jabbing at me. 

“But why..? Why should I? What purpose does this give me after?” Maybe I would find another purpose. Maybe I would feel content and fulfilled after this. “I want to be done. I want to be content. Can you promise me, Alex, that I will be done after I kill you? I want to be done.”

He looks confused. Scared. Am I scary? 

“Why should I promise you anything? You’re the bad guy.” There’s blood leaking out of his mouth and I reach over to clean it off but he turns his head away. Rude. 

“I’m the ‘bad guy’? Me?” That sounds like total bullshit. “No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong, darling. I’m not the bad guy. I’m not the one that tells you everything will be okay. I’m not the one that gives you false hopes and dreams.” Maybe he’s right though. “I am your savior, Alex.”

“I just wanted to save you…” That confuses me. I didn’t need saving. Everyone else were the ones that needed to be saved. “You looked so lost.”

“I wasn’t lost. I didn’t need you to save me. I saved myself. You don’t get it, do you? You are no hero, Alex. You never were. I never needed you, or anyone! You think that you were put here to be some kind of hero? That you were going to be some kind of saintly being? Save people and be loved and never have to deal with bad things? Is that what you thought?” I can feel the laughter bubbling over in my chest. How did he even think of this? 

I never needed anyone to save me. I never wanted to be saved. 

“But-” He’s gasping for breath now. Maybe he’s close to death, maybe he’ll finally get to rest after all this time. “You…”

“I..? But what, Alex?” I swipe a hand over my forehead. Something sticky and warm leaves a trail. Blood, I assume, I’m covered in his blood. His eyes are wide, glistening like little amber flames as he stares up at me. “Are you scared of me, Alex?”

I watch his chest heave, in and out in and out, breathing is labored and looks like it takes effort. Will he last long enough to tell me?

“... I’m scared for you. You’re turning into a monster.” A shaky sigh leaves bloodstained lips and I can’t help but tilt my head in confusion. “I just wanted you to be good.”

“I am good. I am. Don’t you dare doubt that!” I point the tip of the knife to his throat, watch his Adam’s apple bob and wonder what emotions he’s feeling right now. 

Was he truly not afraid of me? Was he faking it? Was all of this a lie so that he could get to me? I feel paranoia creeping into my brain like an infestation of leaches. How could he do this to me? Why? I could feel anger in my bloodstream and reveled in it. 

“Do you even know my name?” Shock came into his eyes like lightning and I frown. “Well? Do you know my name, Alex?” 

“I-I… your name is…” I press myself close, he’s speaking so quietly now as if he’s unsure. “Your name…” 

“My name.” I whisper into his ear, pressing myself close and feeling the heat leaving his tattered body. Alex has little time left, I think. What a shame. “Tell me what my name is.”

“I… I don’t know it.” He admits it, finally, with a whimper. 

“Oh no, that makes me so sad, Alex. How do you spend so much time with me? So much effort? Only to not know my name?” My hands shake and I have to grip the handle of the knife harder. I can feel my knuckles turning white and I have to bite my bottom lip. 

“Tell me then. Tell me your name..?” He’s trying, I’ll give him that much. But when you’re as fed up as I am with this bullshit he keeps spouting, you’d understand. Why try now?

"Just stop, Alex. Stop." A soft whisper, pleading with him almost.

I shove the knife into his side, between the ribs and into soft organs. Blood rushes to the surface as I slide it back out, staining my hands a deep vermillion. I sigh softly, watching his brown eyes darken, fat tears rolling down a splotchy face. His chest stops rising and falling, it all just stops. It seems to take forever, longer than I thought really. 

“My name. My name is Zero.”

I sit with him, the corpse, until he goes cold. The wind is howling and running through every crack in the walls and windows here. There's bugs crawling towards him now, little tiny beetles. Soon he'll be covered in worms, flies, larvae, and all manner of flesh eaters.

Now he's Zero too.