Conditioned Unconditional Love

She stood outside the house that she had only known for a year, thinking about all the decisions she had made up to this point. She felt ashamed of herself, but not wanting to regret all the peoples lives that she blessed. As she watched the movers pack up the rest of her things into the moving truck, she had no fingers to point at but herself. Evelyn was the most selfless person in her community, always wanting to help someone else out. She always gave to others whether them being strangers or friends, taking time out of her life to help out or money out of her paychecks to bring gifts. No one has ever asked for her help, she just saw the struggle and wanted to make a difference. Never once did she ask for a thank you or expect it, all she wanted was to see someone smile. The feeling it brought to her to make someone’s day was a feeling she only ever wanted to feel. As she turned to her husband, Eric, she could feel nothing but the fear of disappointing him. “ This is all my fault. I knew I should’ve focused more on us, but this all became a habit.” And what she knew more than anything was not something she ever wanted to express to anyone. Evelyn had a lot of trauma and hatred towards herself that she never wanted anyone to see. Whether it was through previous relationships or the abuse from growing up, she never once pointed fingers to anyone, but once again to herself. Not once did she ever seek out help, it was always something she would “deal with later”.

She longs for the feeling of loving herself and one day being in a place where she could settle and have a family, but she felt as if she didn’t have the strength to overcome. And for the longest time she never wanted to face it, instead she would push the feeling deep down inside her and spread her love elsewhere. To her it was a blessing and a curse.

Evelyn had become so obsessive with helping so many people out, she started to lose track on her finances and the ones who deeply loved her and held her close. And because of that she never had a savings account filled with money, her checking account was the same. Anytime she’d see a dollar amount she’d use it on another person, No matter if it was clothes, food or toys. At the time she never once regretted those decisions or felt bad. Now, seeing her and Eric‘s world fall apart she felt the painful sorrow of knowing that she did too much.

Evelyn no longer had a phone or a car or even a house. She didn’t even know if she would have Eric left. The crushing feeling of anger and resentment towards herself weighed heavily on her chest, her mind filling with every worry of losing her love, she begins to break down. All of the past trauma she had shoved deep down began to immensely spill over. Streams of tears running down her face, cheeks feeling hot and swollen and a cloud of frustration and suffocation begins to trouble her. Evelyn drops to the ground, her body feeling lifeless with thoughts in her head unimaginable to what she would ever think of. What was her life? All she wanted to do was help people. And even now with the realization of everything going on, Evelyn still has some feeling in her heart, a question of what is going to happen to the people that she could no longer help. It was her addiction. She never wanted to become a selfish person and turn down anyone in need. but her realization now, she knows it’s what she hast to do to build her life up again.

The one thing Evelyn does not know until her husband crouches down beside her, Eric still loves her with every ounce of his heart. And by her unfathomable surprise , he wants to stay with her. Help her. Start over. Even if it means that they start with nothing. There’s a pain in his chest as well, he had foreseen this coming yet he had nothing to say. Maybe it was the fear of taking away her happiness if he asked her to stop or even slow down. All he ever wanted was for her to be happy. But, even he didn’t know the truth. As Eric sits down beside Evelyn, he gently rests his hand on her shoulder, “This is not your fault. We are in this together. We will find a way to get back up on our feet.” Before Evelyn could even respond she looks up into his eyes and immediately feels the unimaginable amount of love pouring out of him. At that exact moment no matter the pain she was feeling, the sorrow or the anger, she knew there was a chance for her to be happy. She knew there was a chance at her loving her self again. She knew she had the support from the person that she loved most, and at that point in time that was enough for her.

They both sat there for a while, even after the truck had driven off. And finally before an hour had passed Evelyn had made up her mind. “ I still want to help people, but I wanted to start with you and me. Eric I love you, you have shown me more unconditional love then I ever thought was possible. The way I want to help us is by getting help for me first. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve caused, but I know we can do this. I know I can do this.” Eric was so proud of her, especially at the last six words that had come out of her mouth. And from there, the couple raised to their feet and walked off to continue and brighten the next journey.