I wanna be famous

“It’s about me isn’t it?”

“Well hello to you too. A little hungry but I’m fine and you?”

“Stop it. Just admit it’s about me.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Your story. The character. It’s me.”

“I have written several stories.”

“Your last story.”

“It has more than one character.”

“Don’t play dumb with me. You know you can’t win.”

“I can still try. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’m talking about the character who dies at the end of your story. I wouldn’t die like that, I’m not that stupid.”

“But all my characters die.”

“The one who’s inspired by me.”

“Nobody’s inspired by you.”

“Shane? Seriously? You just removed a letter and added an ‘e’ at the end.”

“No. I was watching The Walking Dead, one of the characters is named Shane. And nobody’s stupid, they get killed in their sleep by a serial killer. Who would survive in this situation? Not you. Not me either.”

“Why am I the first one to die?”

“It’s not you, it’s Shane. And he’s the first to die because he snores, so when Fiona wakes up to go pee and she doesn’t hear him snoring, the reader knows he’s dead. It was just more convenient.”

“Yeah about that. I don’t snore.”

“I’m pretty sure we don’t sleep together so I can’t know. Maybe you don’t snore but Shane does.”

“But Shane is me.”

“No he isn’t.”

“Where’s my money?”

“What money?”

“The money you make by writing.”

“I don’t make money. Not yet.”

“That’s what I’m saying! When you become rich I want a percentage. I’m one of the protagonists after all.”

“I don’t think a 1000 words story will bring a lot of money. If I become rich it’ll be when I publish books. With multiple chapters and characters who don’t look like people I know.”

“So you admit it’s me?”

“No, your name and my character’s name are just similar. That’s all.”

“Just give me my money.”

“I don’t have money.”

“Your story is great, you write like English is your first language, it’s fun. You’ll definitely get paid!”

“Flattery won’t bring you anywhere. Wait, did you want to see me today just to extort me money I don’t have?”

“Of course not, I’ve missed you and your pretty face.”

“I already told flattery doesn’t work on me. But go on, I like it.”

“If you’re not going to pay me for using my identity, I’m suing you.”

“You wouldn’t sue your best friend? Your poor best friend? Who can’t even pay for a piece of cake at this pretty coffee shop right behind you?”

“We are not going there. And I’m suing. Why won’t you admit your character is based off of me?”

“Because it’s not. I know at least one other man aside from you, I could’ve written my character while thinking about him.”

“But I know you didn’t.”

“How would you know? You weren’t there when I was writing.”

“Because you don’t love him as much as you love me.”

“I know, but you aren’t supposed to say it. Also I could’ve written about one of my teachers. You know how much I despise them so it would make sense for me to kill them. In fiction.”

“Your teachers would’ve died at the beginning of your story, not at the end.”

“True. Damn, you know me too well.”

“That’s how I know your character is inspired by me.”

“It’s not because you know me that you’re right this time.”

“How many people who like climbing do you know?”

“Well there’s me and you… That’s all. But that doesn’t mean Shane’s based off of you, he’s a totally original creation.”

“Isn’t the other character basically you?”

“Yeah but Shane isn’t you.”

“You said his voice was grating. My voice isn’t grating.”

“First, it is. Second, if your voice really isn’t grating, maybe the character isn’t you.”

“You just don’t know how to depict me accurately.”

“Says the man who doesn’t even know his own voice is grating.”

“Yours sounds like you’re inhaling weed instead of oxygen.”

“Wow. Rude. And you think I’m gonna pay you after that?”

“You weren’t planning on paying me anyway.”

“Not anymore.”

“When I’m suing you’ll have to. You even described Shane’s face and I’m sure you were looking at a picture of me while doing so.”

“Bold of you to assume I’d want to see your face.”

“Maybe you described it by memory, I don’t know.”

“I wasn’t describing you. It’s not my fault you look like every bearded man on earth. Maybe I was describing someone else.”

“Who?”

“Shane.”

“He doesn’t exist.”

“That’s the point. I invented his appearance.”

“You didn’t invented anything, he looks just like me.”

“Maybe I was thinking of your twin brother when writing about Shane.”

“I don’t have a twin brother.”

“Fortunately, I wouldn’t be able to handle another you accusing me of stealing his identity.”

“Pay me then.”

“Never.”

“How can you write about someone and not pay them for it? You can’t use me like this!”

“Don’t say it like that. And you don’t have any proof.”

“The story in itself is the proof. I recognized myself in Shane.”

“This means the character was well written, that’s what every author dreams of achieving. Thank you.”

“Talking to you is so painful sometimes.”

“You know what’s painful? My stomach. It’s been empty since yesterday evening and instead of buying me food you keep talking nonsense. Why do we even see each other if you’re not gonna feed me?”

“I can’t feed you if you keep denying you wrote a story about me.”

“That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“I don’t care, admit it now.”

“Never.”

“Admit it.”

“No.”

“What if I wrote a book about you and didn’t credit you?”

“I’ll be honored but you don’t even know how to wri- Never mind. Why is it so important to you anyway?”

“If you admit Shane is basically me, you’ll have to mention my real name and my Instagram somewhere in your future book and people will follow me.”

“Wait. Are you serious? That’s all you want? Followers?”

“Well yeah, and royalties.”

“If that’s all you want.”

“So you’ll finally admit it?”

“No. It’s almost two and I’m starving. I’m leaving.”