Journey To Find The Friend

Mt. Tai, Shandong Province, PRC

WeChat Group Chat: Beijinger Pals

Tia

@All: I have seen many things while studying abroad here in China this summer. A Mormon guy gulping down a giant fried scorpion on a stick, claiming it tasted like fried chicken skin afterwards. The view of a downwards sloping mountain from the vantage point of

a seat on a rickety golf cart speeding along its highest road on the peak. I swear I even heard the ghost of a eunuch inside the walls of the Forbidden City, but what I have NEVER seen before was when we were all just hiking up Taishan*, and near the Immortals’ Bridge, our UWM* classmate and my BF Kiera fell into a gorge, went Avatar Aang Airbender style and ACTUALLY FLEW INTO THE FRIGGING SKY AND VANISHED!!!

TELL ME THAT I AM NOT HALLUCINATING ON TOO MUCH LUCKIN’ COFFEE HERE AND SOMEONE ELSE SAW THIS

TOO!!!!!

Sampson

I just know that nobody is gonna believe me when I say this, especially Tia, but Kiera did not 'fall into' that gorge. She was pushed by a weird Hanfu* wearing kung fu maniac!! Look, are we all a little bit tired every day by now after we study Mandarin Chinese, handwrite 800-character essays and preview 100 vocab words every night until 3am?? Yes *sigh*…but that DOSEN’T mean that I don’t know what I saw!! It was a tall, blonde-haired girl wearing a Disneyesque Mulan dress with ancient metal

hairpin and everything!!

Matt

@Sampson R U CRA CRA?? Where r we some Crouching Tiger meets a Who-Dun-It film?!! That is NOT what happened!!

Sampson

@Matt Look man, all I know was that Kiera was behind me for a hot minute, next minute I hear piercing screaming behind me, *ahem* @ u Matt, and Kiera tumbled over the cliff underneath the Immortals Bridge and the blonde girl vanishes!!

Christopher

Ooookay, this is gonna sound weird too, buuuttt, @Sampson

I totally believe you.

Matt

@Sampson and @Christopher Y’all ARE CRA CRA!!

Christopher

Just hear me out Matt, cause not only did I see that weird blonde Mulan girl too, I saw her freaky cousin from ATLA run behind me off the trail and down the mt, disappearing right in the direction that Kiera went. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!!

Sampson

@Christopher Thank you!!

Matt

@Christopher That IS just a coincidence!!

Sampson

Excuse you, can your amazing logic then explain how a girl with over 10 years of hiking experience somehow decided to break every safety rule there is to hiking, leaned over an obviously

dangerous cliff, fell and while in the air learned to FLY in less than 30 seconds???

Matt

I thought we established already dude that she just wobbled in midair; it was just the wind blowing her to the side! Besides

back to the point, wtf was this girl behind you @Christopher? R u sure your suannai* wasn’t expired and gave you hallucinations dude? Skeptical…

Christopher

FU!!

Tia

All right, all right!! Assuming Sampson ‘actually saw’ a blonde Mulan push Kiera over the cliff, why didn’t Maddie say something about the ATLA girl in front of her? She was in back of you the whole time right Chris??

Christopher

Idk but she didn’t ‘magically’ appear behind her for a second and vanished. I saw her behind us for a while.

Tia

Wait, whadda mean? She was there the whole time?? Behind Maddie?

Christopher

YES! When we started to climb, Maddie was on her phone and looking down (I think she said she was sending someone a last text before we lost the VPN connection on the mt). The next time I looked back, there was someone behind her talking to her. Looked

like a cosplayer or something.

That was that girl who pelted down the mt after Kiera!!

Sampson

And you didn’t think to mention this earlier why?!

Christopher

@Samspon HEY! Do you know what kind of people I see hike up Chinese mountains?? There was that lady dressed to the nines and in frigging high heels on Huashan*, the motorcycle dudes that went up there at night, a cowboy hat wearing nine-year-old…WTF makes you think I woulda thought a Hanfu wearing girl was out

of the ordinary??!

Sampson

WE JUST SAW A GIRL FLY OVER A FRIGGING MOUNTAIN DUDE!! DOES THAT COUNT AS ‘OUT OF THE ORDINARY’ TO YOU?!!

Matt

SHE DID NOT FLY!!! @ALL!

Tia

Did you just say Maddie was on her phone? And THEN was talking to the girl before she ran off??

Christopher

Yessss I diddd…wwwhhy?

Matt

R u actually believing his bs?? @Tia THERE WAS NO GURL!!!

Christopher

First of all, again flying FU @Matt. Secondly, I’m telling you, again @Matt, Maddie saw her too!! And @Matt you looked back at Maddie, remember?! You had to ask for some of her gum cause

you couldn’t find any GF snacks on the mt!

Matt

WTF r u talking about?! When she gave me that gum, I looked right behind me for a full minute and all I saw was your dumb ass, Maddie behind you, and some other tourist behind her wearing

han

OMG!!!!

Tia

I know you know what happened Maddie. I saw you when everyone was watching Kiera fall into that gorge. Innocent people scream or look horrified as their friends fall into a ravine, TO POTENTIALLY THEIR DEATH! Friends try to help by running over to the cliff side

and pull her up. Friends DO NOT fucking smirk! as their Friend FALLS TO HER DEATH!!!!! Friends DO NOT DO THIS TO EACH OTHER and expect to get away with it. NOT ON MY WATCH ANYWAY!!

If you know anything about how Lady DuHua and Princess Yangying got out of that phone app, I swear to God I will find you you bitch and make you spill!!!

You better tell me frigging now gurl:

WHAT DID YOU DO?! AND WHERE IS KIERA?!!!

Sampson

Uhhhh, Tia…What’s going on??

Tia

WTF, is this the groupchat?!!

Matt

@Tia WTF IS GOING ON?!

* Mandarin for Mt. Tai, one of the “Five Sacred Mts of China”

* Acronym for University of Wisconsin Madison

* Mandarin for ‘Han Clothing’, this is considered the closet to “Ancient Chinese Clothing” today, most commonly found in martial arts films, cosplayers and sometimes Japanese anime.

* Mandarin for ‘sour yoghurt’; basically, yoghurt you sip through a juice carton using a straw, also a popular Beijing breakfast food

* Mandarin for Mt. Hua, again one of the “Five Sacred Mts of China”