Exit La Riviera

she should have been devastated, sobbing inconsolable tears as the pieces of the night came together in a terrible reality. That’s how it always worked on television anyway. If this were a crime drama she’d be grateful for the officer that promised he would get right on it and embarrassed as the camera clicked and whirred, capturing her bare flesh against a stark white background, ruler superimposed for reference.

But all Gabriela could think of was the toneless voice on the other end of the line.

”Alright. I can be there in half an hour.”

It seemed absurd to be thinking about a relationship at a time like this, but it was Maggie...

The air from the vent whisked downward, following a current of pressures as it zipped through the rooms and halls of the H street hospital. Gabriela was acutely aware of that current, as it passed along her back where the hospital gown left it bare. It was a vulnerable feeling—or maybe she was just in a vulnerable state. She thought that she could survive it, so long as they didn't need more pictures...

The door opened and the nurse stuck her head in. Of everyone that had infiltrated the room over the course of her stay, Gabriela liked the nurse best. Vonn acted like she was intruding on something private. Everyone

else just acted like Gabriela was a piece in a puzzle that she had no business

trying to solve.

“Hey Gabby, I’ve got those medications we talked about,” Vonn said in a voice that defaulted to kind.

They’d talked about medication—pills she had to take at varying intervals—but her mind was blank. Like someone snuck in and deleted scenes from the running film of her consciousness.

Vonn extracted two little pills—one red and one white—putting them in a tiny cup next to the beige container filled with water and decorated with a blue striped straw.

“Take the other levonorgestrel in 12 hours,” Vonn said.

Gabriela’s mouth traced the meaningless word as she stared at the pills.

Vonn caught her expression and said, “The white one. The other is 24 hours.”

Gabriela pressed the plastic cup against her lips and dipped her head back. The pills hit the back of her throat, where she banished them with several large gulps of tepid water. Deed done, she replaced the cup and focused her gaze on Vonn’s unassuming form, making sure not to invite eye contact.

“Can I get dressed now?”

Vonn’s words were slow and measured, “They want to keep your clothes for evidence,” she said.

“Oh.”

Gabriela knew that. The memory was dragged up from the nebulous hours. Stripping down to the hospital gown and placing her own clothes in a neat pile on the metal table next to the chair. That’s why she’d asked Maggie to bring her clothes.

Vonn offered a sympathetic smile. It was comforting even though Gabriela didn’t want it to be. She opened a drawer next to the sink and pulled out another hospital gown.

“Put this on backwards to help cover your back until your friend gets here,” she said.

Even with the second gown covering her bare skin, Gabriela could feel the violation of drafty air against her back.

Maggie knew exactly what to bring. It was the same thing she’d worn senior prom night, after extravagant dress and storybook future were discarded and she sat, brokenhearted on the edge of the trampoline in the backyard. Keith’s words rang in her memory, clear and unforgettable.

You’re cute but kind of weird. I don’t date weird. Plus, everybody says you’re into that butch girl.

That butch girl sat next to her on the trampoline absorbing all the grief and humiliation. Helping to shoulder the burden of differentness. Of adolescent heartbreak. Maggie put her arm around Gabriela’s shoulder and leaned her back until they lay, backs against the buoyant surface of tightly woven fabric, staring up at the stars. Maggie changed Gabriela’s whole perspective from the confined space of that fenced yard. Together they gazed into the entire universe, stars sparkling in the haze of atmospheric brilliance. Beyond that… endless space and time.

“Mags, I’m sorry I dragged you out of bed before your exam,” Gabriela said. Ahead of them the road stretched out into dawn breaking on the horizon. The city was still asleep. Only the edges stirred with life. A jogger cutting across Lincoln street. A delivery truck dropping bread to a café. A police care making lazy progress down Alhambra, its power muted by the uneventfulness of the still morning air. Gabriela’s stomach twisted.

“It’s okay, I wasn’t sleeping,” Maggie said, easing the car onto the narrow campus road.

It was a lie, but Gabriela was grateful for it.

They drove past a row of cars shaded by the branches of sentinel trees and colorless in the low light. Gabriela stared at the varying shades of grey and wondered if the world would ever have color again. Maggie turned into her assigned parking spot, her hand pausing on the gear shift so that Gabby had time to marvel at the perfect angles of delicacy and strength. Then it moved through a series of clicks and the engine gave up its forward motion. A sensation of settled came over them as Gabriela waited for Maggie to say something.

“Let's get you inside and settled,” she said.

“I can go in on my own so you can get ready for your exam,” Gabriela said.

The engine went silent, followed by the tinkle of keys dampened in Maggie’s palm. Gabriela looked up from that hand into steely blue eyes. Maggie’s expression made Gabriela’s mouth go dry. Or maybe it was already dry. The order of things was still fuzzy.

“I’m not leaving you right now. What kind of person would I be if I did that?”

It was a rhetorical question. Gabriela didn’t respond. Instead, she pulled the grey plastic door handle and swung her legs into the empty space outside the little world that was Maggie’s car. Everything felt strange, like the world was moving in double time but Gabriela was stuck in slow motion. She pushed the door shut and her whole body swayed with the yaw of unreality.

Once again she felt the chill blast of air as it blew across her naked back, tendrils of draft snaking their fingers around her middle as she spun away from her physical form. Suddenly Maggie was at her side, slender arm wrapped firmly around her side like a vice. A buoy of love in in the nightmare sea.

“I’ve got you,” Maggie cooed in a gentle voice. Her face was pressed close against the side of Gabriela’s head. Pungent morning breath accented her words with familiar comfort as she coaxed, “Let’s go inside.”

The alarm went off 12 hours after the first white pill. Gabriela made her way groggily down the hall to the bathroom. She kept a searching gaze on the countertop, avoiding the mirror and any possibility of catching a glimpse of her own reflection. Maggie put the pills in the back right corner, next to the toothbrush holder and the blue ceramic mug she kept for “night sips.” She hadn’t told Gabriela they’d be there because she hadn’t needed to. It was in her nature to be meticulous and predictable.

On their first night in the apartment Gabriela had emptied her things into a bathroom drawer, haphazardly combining combs and hairpins with toothbrushes and lotion.

“You need a system,” Maggie said, shaking her head at Gabriela’s slobbery as she pulled each item out of the drawer and placed it on the counter.

“My system is ‘put it in a drawer.’ It’s always worked for me,” Gabriela said, reaching around Maggie’s middle, trying to return her things to their place.

“The key to success is to do all things with a purpose. Everything in this bathroom is going to have a place and every place is going to have a purpose,” Maggie insisted.

“The drawer is the place. It’s purpose is to hold my things,” Gabriella protested, getting hands on a hairbrush and twisting in an attempt to free it from Maggie’s control.

Maggie spun with the force of the hairbrush, deftly pulling Gabriela into the counter. She stepped in front of her, effectively pinning her in and thrilling them both with the closeness.

“I’m not going to have a messy bathroom,” she said.

“My drawer will never bother you,” Gabriela promised.

“Your drawer will drive both of us insane. You’ll lose every hair tie. The toothpaste will get crusted with strands of hair because you never put the cap back on and it will be so gross that our grades will start to fall with the stress of it,” Maggie insisted.

“You’re being dramatic,” Gabriela said.

“I didn’t come to college to mess around. I’m here to create my own future,” Maggie insisted.

“And that starts by making me give up my drawer?” Gabriela asked. She was only teasing now. High school had been hell for Maggie. This was her opportunity to put it all behind her—to maintain control of the narrative. In her own way, Gabriela understood the drawer problem.

Maggie leaned in and rested her forehead against Gabriela’s. “Do you remember when you said we work because we make each other better?” She asked.

“The drawer will make you better,” Gabriela whispered, a mischievous smirk erupting.

Maggie huffed. “Smartass.”

Gabriela cupped Maggie’s pixie chin with her hands and stared earnestly at her. Their eyes locked.

“It’s true. Screw the drawer.”

“I love you,” Maggie said.

Gabriela swallowed the second white pill, dumping the excess water from the blue mug and replacing it. She caught a glimpse of her hand in the mirror. The sight of her pale skin sent a chill down her spine and doubled the size of the brick in the pit of her stomach. Without understanding why, she lifted her eyes and took in the rest of her reflection.

She didn’t see herself—not the limp chocolate curls pulled out of the way by the blue band Maggie brought. Not the deep bags under her eyes that weighed her whole expression down. Not the bright hazel rimmed with bloodshot red. She didn’t see it because it wasn’t her. Because if it was her then she'd be consumed by shame.

Maggie wouldn’t have done it. She wouldn’t have been at the party. She wouldn’t have done those shots. Maggie didn’t party. Maggie didn’t drink. The only reason Maggie stayed up past bedtime was because she needed to study. Maggie was going to be an engineer. From the bottom of her heart, she believed that Gabriela could do it too, if she only took college a little more serious.

Gabriela’s skin turned cold. She swallowed back the taste of bile and synched up the hood. exiting the bathroom. She pulled the cellphone from her back pocket and checked the screen for notifications that weren’t there. It was getting on in the afternoon and she hadn’t heard from Maggie yet. Her exam should be long over, but she hadn’t returned.

When it was time for her to go, she stood in the doorway to their bedrooms.

“Do you need me to stay?” she asked.

The answer was yes and they both knew it.

“This is too important. Go!” Gabriela said, shoeing her out the door. When Maggie left, she didn’t look back.

The phone rang. There wasn’t enough time between the onset of the call and Gabriela’s response for the phone to vibrate.

“Hey,” she breathed.

“Hey.”

Where the hell have you been? Gabriela screamed inside. Instead, she asked, “How did it go?”

“It went fine—good really. I was well prepared.”

Gabriela nodded, even though there was no way to transmit the motion through space and time for Maggie’s benefit. “You always are.”

Silence stretched out as Gabriela waited for what Maggie had to say. She waited so long that she was forced to take a breath. As the windy sound distorted transmission Maggie started speaking.

“Listen, I’m … home…”

“Do you need me to open the door?” Gabriela asked.

“No, I mean I’m home. As in Atherton. I’m at my parent’s house,” Maggie said, words coming out too fast.

“Oh.” Gabriela felt the ground shift beneath her. “When will you be back?”

The silence returned, stretching out to highlight the magnitude of space between them.

“I just… I need some time… to process this…” Maggie said.

Gabriela suppressed a hysterical laugh, terrified what might happen if she let it escape. Instead, she asked, “How long do you need?”

“Give me a week,” Maggie said fast enough to confirm that she’d thought this part through.

“Can I call you?” Gabriela asked.

“No. I need to think,” Maggie said.

A frigid knife pierced through Gabriela’s middle. Her breaths came in short bursts that made things spin.

“Okay.”

“You’re going to be okay?” Maggie asked.

“I don’t know,” Gabriela said, surprised she was still able to speak.

“A week, then I’ll be back,” Maggie said.

Gabriela nodded as more of the world crumbled around her. “I love you Mags.”

The reply was silence.

Gabriela made her way down La Riviera, slowing her pace from a jog to a walk. For her, there wasn’t much difference between the two. Running was Maggie’s thing. She’d stretched one of Maggie’s form-fitting tops across her ample bosom to get the thing done, just like she had every other day that week. She didn’t know if it was to absolve the guilt or feel closer to Maggie. All she knew is that she felt compelled.

It was 6:45. According to Maggie’s text message she’d be there in 15 minutes.

Gabriela’s heart was thudding, both from exertion and apprehension.

She told herself that it was going to be alright. Maggie was her other half. Neither one of them knew how to move forward in the world without each other.

When she reached the steps to their second floor apartment Maggie was waiting, early as always. Gabriela cursed herself for not assuming she would be.

“Were you running?” Maggie asked.

Gabriela nodded, wiping sweat from the curls of hair that clung to her forehead. “I should have known you’d be early.”

Maggie waited for Gabriela to lead the way up the stairs. When she turned the doorknob without inserting a key, she shook her head. “Seriously Gabby?”

Gabriela shrugged. “I tried to carry a key the first time I went, but my hand got too sweaty.”

“How many times did you go?” Maggie asked.

“Six?” Gabriela said, bypassing the living room for the kitchen to grab a towel. She ran it over her face, then through her hair and across the back of her neck, vaguely aware of the healing bruises. When she turned, Maggie was sitting on the sofa.

“Did you figure things out?” she asked, stuffing back all the anger and hurt that had been threatening to overwhelm her that week.

“Sit down,” Maggie implored, indicating the space to which her legs were pointing.

Gabriela shook her head but relented when Maggie patted the space.

As she sat, the first of Maggie's statements filled the room.

"It turns out I'm not the person I thought I was," she said.

"What do you mean?" Gabriela asked.

“I’m moving out.” Maggie said, as if it were an explanation.

“This summer?” Gabriela asked.

“This weekend,” Maggie corrected.

An electric bolt shot through Gabriela, cueing a copper taste in the back of her mouth. “You’re breaking up with me.”

“Yes,” Maggie said, casting her eyes down.

"Mags... I need you," Gabriela said. Her arms went numb.

"I can't be with you anymore," Maggie said.

Anguish ripped through Gabriela, breaking her into pieces. "Then don't. We can break up, but I need my friend. I can't do this without her."

"I can't do it Gabby. I can't do this," she gestured to the space where Gabriela sat. Her hand dropped, weighed down by defeat. "I told you, I'm not the person I thought I was..."

”Whar does that even mean?” Gabriela demanded.

Maggie paused. A fist cle over a narrow though as she cast her eyes down, too ashamed to look at Gabriela as she answered.

”It means that I want to be there for you but all I can think is that this wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t gone out to party!”

Gabriela stared, dumbfounded. She wanted to slap Maggie for saying it. To scream and curse her for such cruel words, but she couldn’t. After all, wasn’t that what she’d been afraid of? That even if it wasn’t her fault, that Maggie would blame her for it?

“So, you’re just deciding? For the both of us?” Gabriela asked, too deflated to say anything else.

“That’s the way it works,” Maggie said.

“Only when you're dumping someone.”

“Gabby, I’m sorry,” Maggie said, closing the space and pulling Gabriela’s hands into hers. “I know the timing is rotten…”

The electric zap shot through her again and Gabriela pulled her hands back. “Are you serious right now?”

Maggie’s face contorted as though she'd been slapped. “I’m sorry. It’s complicated,” she said.

Pain transformed to anger, and Gabriela stood. “Let me get your things,” she said, walking purposefully toward their room.

Maggie followed her with wide eyes as she gathered her things, emptying drawers and shoving shoes into the old grey duffle bag. Maggie's meticulous organization made it easy. She piled it all at the door, unable to look at Maggie, unable to find words to express the betrayal.

Gabriela went into the bathroom to get the ceramic blue mug. Maggie followed her, reaching to pull her into an embrace in the place where she'd first proclaimed her love. Gabriela whirled on her, a murderous light in her eyes.

“Stop it! That’s not your job anymore!” she said.

Maggie stared, speechless as Gabriela gathered the rest of her things. She loaded the bags, piles and loose ends into her car, shocked how quickly the job was done.

When the last items were banished to the vehicle Gabriela stopped long enough to look at Maggie. Some of the anger was gone, replaced by a vulnerability that made them compatible.

“Hey Mags?” she said.

“Yeah?” Maggie asked, hope riding the current of the inquiry.

“I’m a little messed up right now, so I might forget and call you. You know, after all these years?” Gabriela wasn’t meaning for it to come out as a question.

“Okay,” Maggie said.

“I just need you to do me a favor,” Gabriela said.

“What?” Maggie asked, eager to absolve herself.

“If I mess up and call you… don’t answer.”

Before Maggie could respond, she grasped the grey edges of the shirt and tore it free from her sweat-drenched body. She thrust it into Maggie's hands, turned and walked away. A gentle breeze rippled across the bare skin on her back, making her feel vulnerable.

Vulnerable, but strong.