Fifteen Months...

Written in response to: Write about a character giving something one last shot.... view prompt

71 comments

Creative Nonfiction Contemporary Inspirational

A/N- Not related to the prompt. Just something I wrote in my diary and then decided to post with a few modifications. Based on real life.



The moment I reach home, it feels like I’ve stepped into vintage memory. Pale objects that don’t belong to the present, are left untouched, exactly as I had left them fifteen months ago. The floor is laden with dust - layers of it - and the balcony is strewn with pigeon poop and feathers. 

I’m just eyes and ears, neck swiveling around to have a good glimpse at everything. I can’t even register everything at once, and it takes me a few seconds to comprehend each fact. 

I’m here. I’m really here.


First, there was this surprise of returning from the village where we’ve been docked the past year, then packing and rushing and bading goodbyes, and then some conversations. A nine-hour car journey, topped with my first scoop of ice cream in two years, peppy songs, and reading some Jane Austen. But those hours are past, and right now, I’m standing here, real as life, rooted where I’ve been longing to come for so long.

And the house feels so tiny now when I stand against the walls and look at the ceiling. Of course, it isn’t the house. It’s just me. I thought I’d stopped growing, but turns out I must have put on an inch or two while I was not here.

In 2020, we moved to a village to escape the worst. I was all smiles then, thinking of adventures and roaming free in the wilderness. Why wouldn’t I be happy? I’d been going there twice every year since I could remember, and here I was going again, when I thought I couldn’t, because of the pandemic. 

Initially, it was three months, going from October to February. But with the weeks that passed, it grew clearer that returning wasn’t the smartest option. That we would have to stay for a few months more. Only a few months more. No harm in that, right? 

February turned into May and May flipped to August. September. October. November. And then 2021’s done, dusted with. And that entire year I haven’t been outside the state, outside the village. 

How interesting. 

Growing plants and living the laid-back rural life sounds like just the perfect vacay. I loved it at first. But then, it’s only for so long. Soon you start longing to head back, to go back to the old way of living life. 

I reached that point months ago. 

I step into my room, my breath caught in my chest, and the first thing I remember seeing is the four volumes of 'A Cruise and A Celebrity' lying on the bed by the window, with a gentle blanket of dust, and my old volume of short stories, and my very first try at writing a proper novel. 

It was just the way I had left it, and I pictured my thirteen-year-old self, sitting with the books she so adored, flipping through them, rereading words penned in blue ink, talking to herself about her writing, her old ways. And this person, this young girl who sat in her room with thoughts so different from mine, feels like another human being. A sister maybe, or a really close friend. Definitely not like me in all likeliness, not at all this nearly fifteen-year-old. 

And then the height chart I’d drawn - the same one I had gazed so longingly at whenever I streamed songs from Alexa - do you know what has happened to it? All the blue sucked away into lighter colors, the sketched colors fading, my captions and markings botched, but everything else the same way. And it looks delicate - so delicate as I run my fingers over the paper. My fictional characters look just the same though, and that is something I can hopefully cling to when everything else keeps changing. 

My bookshelf has so many books, so many tomes and novels I’ve either read multiple times or never opened. So many! Oh, so many! How I’ve missed everything, and how I never realized that to its full potential. Till now. Thirteen copies of my first book, The Mystery of the Haunted Hill alone, and then dozens of half-filled notebooks lying haphazardly on the shelves. 

I scoop the diary into my hands in which I used to draw and begin leafing through it, with my mask still on and my travel clothes draping me. The first thing that strikes me about my old drawings is that they’re so small, so minute, with tiny faces, heads, and arms. Not like the ones I draw today. 

I still can’t believe that many of them look so different than what I remembered them to be. That’s the human brain for you. Over the course of fifteen months, I’d reformed many of those memories, shaping them up, alerting them, filling up the empty bits with fantasies of my own, all unconsciously. And now I realize that: gazing at these books, the actual copies, and not just fragmented dreams.

The written work? Reading it makes me feel bittersweet. I want to see it, especially to relive the bits I’d written in early 2020, and observe how different my writing style has become, if it has changed at all.

I open the books and start poring over them. To say that I’m overwhelmed would be an understatement. I am completely and absolutely baffled, struck, and bamboozled.

(Okay that’s enough with the Adjectives.) 

I read through pages of my old writing, and I have missed feelings. On one hand, I’m surprised by the kinds of words I’ve used in my writing, and each time I only think, "How did I know all these words? Maybe I’m not so stupid after all". On the other hand, I see so many things I could have done differently, and I’m perfectly content. Why not? How else would I be able to jog my eyes over these words and wonder at everything, if everything was perfectly the same? 

A part of me feels envious when I see everything. Why? Is it because I’m not that young and will never be? Is it because I know I will probably never do the same things, follow the same schedule, or think the same thoughts again? 

I still remember how it was, living in this house and going about my day, nothing dampening my spirits even when I stayed indoors for seven months. But then, the memory feels far too distant, far too misplaced. There’s something I can’t lay my finger on. Whether it’s because it has been fifteen months, or whether it’s because things really have changed without me knowing it, I can never know. 

I might easily believe it’s my memory messing up again, but the longer I stay, it only grows clearer, that this, all this work, is mine and no one else’s. 

I guess that’s what makes it even harder to believe. 

Am I really here? In the city where I’ve grown and lived all my life? This place, which feels like a dream, distant and shimmeringly unreal, unattainable? 

The thing is, I don’t know. It could be another dream, for all I know. Another one which I think is real, which lifts my hopes, but which, as soon as I wake up, ceases to exist, shattering, blown to smithereens.

But no. It’s real. I’m real. I’m standing here, mask on the face. I’m there, and I’m in this place, and that’s all I care for.

March 08, 2022 06:02

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71 comments

TJ Squared
18:54 Mar 11, 2022

Hey Akshaya! I really liked this story! it reminded me of so many things, but mostly longings. It was really cool how you laid out her/your perspective before us, seeing the things she was seeing, thinking what she was. I saw a few tense changes throughout. And one small suggestion: "I guess that’s what makes it even harder to believe. I can’t forget my dresses. I open the drawers and cupboards and rifle through all the clothes lying higgledy-piggledy in their boxes. All the clothes I left behind. Maybe I really am too sentimental, but...

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Akshaya ✨
10:19 Apr 21, 2022

Heyy Wolfie!! Thank you sooo much! This comment is so nice to read. Ooh I didn't catch those changes. I actually wrote it in past and then changed to future, so I might have missed those welp. Whoa you got that spot on! I did add it in later to reach the word count, but you're right. It doesn't seem to fit. I'll just remove it hehe. Thank youuuu:D How have you been?

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TJ Squared
17:51 Apr 21, 2022

heyyyy :) ofc! oof, it happens. :) np :D doing okay. you?

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Akshaya ✨
14:19 May 27, 2022

:))) :D I'm doing good (but exhausted from this car trip lol). (I'm so inactive on Reedsy that I literally pop in once a month or something, and the changes every time are drastic :P )

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TJ Squared
23:45 Jun 05, 2022

:) Oof lol Yeah I get that lol

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Philia S
11:51 Nov 15, 2022

Akshaya! Long time no see. :) How are you?

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Akshaya ✨
17:30 Nov 18, 2022

Heyy Philia! Oh yesss it's been way too longgg :O I'm great! Supposed to be studying physics for mah prelimss on Monday but I'm vibing it with my tab instead lol. How are you doing? :))

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Philia S
10:24 Nov 21, 2022

Prelims? For what loll? I hope it went well thoo Good to know you're good! I'm good too :)

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Akshaya ✨
12:07 Nov 22, 2022

Those are for board exams in February loll. Yes it did (I hope)! Awesome! How is school and writing then?

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Philia S
13:38 Nov 22, 2022

Oh liek pre-boards right? tis good and as for writing, tis dead TvT wby? also where'd you make your pfp? looks like ai art--looks super cool tho! :D

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Akshaya ✨
13:06 Nov 23, 2022

Yep! Same thing but we call it prelims in my school XD Ay nice to hear about school! Ack what happened?! Is it school keeping you busy or something TvT You're right! It's this discord bot that my friends were using and I was like "why not try it out?" lol Tyyy! By the way, your pfp kinda looks like it was made by ai too?! Or maybe it's painted, 'cause it looks realistic! Ooh aLSO, I tried out a quesadilla for da first time a few days ago after I saw it on the menu and remembered your name eheh. It was actually tasty!

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Yves. ♙
23:39 Aug 07, 2022

So embarrassed to say I relate to the struggle of losing track of books! I have hundreds, and unfortunately haven't read half of them. Augh! I love this interpretation to the prompt; you know Reedsy members will always enjoy a piece about books.

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Akshaya ✨
07:19 Sep 26, 2022

Ack thank you so much! I know, right! Two days ago I went for a book haul in addition to the numerous books I already have (which I haven't read) which will probably take me about two years to finish lol. Yep!

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Dhwani Jain
09:57 Jun 29, 2022

How are you doing? Also, why is Skribbls doc dead again?

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Akshaya ✨
13:59 Jul 02, 2022

I am doing good even though I have TONS of tests and project submissions coming up. How are you? Ahah I have no idea. I can't seem to find it in my Google docs. Wonder what happened to it?

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Dhwani Jain
09:11 Jul 04, 2022

School's school Ooo A lotta people are saying that, although I can still access it

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Akshaya ✨
15:52 Jul 15, 2022

Yeah I just pulled it out from my browser history I think

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Dhwani Jain
16:05 Jul 15, 2022

XD ok...houw u doing?

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Akshaya ✨
14:28 Jul 31, 2022

Am good!! Whatcha up to these days

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Dhwani Jain
18:24 May 26, 2022

Hey! Where are you? Why has Reedsy been so boring lately? (copy-pasting this to a lot of people as I'm BoReD)

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Akshaya ✨
14:12 May 27, 2022

I'm right here, summoned by your message :)

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Dhwani Jain
10:52 May 28, 2022

XD And now I'm a summoner

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Akshaya ✨
14:02 Jul 02, 2022

Yes aha XD

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Dhwani Jain
09:12 Jul 04, 2022

XD

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Dhwani Jain
15:45 Apr 13, 2022

You know Sapphire? We have a collab coming up on my blog at 04:06 p.m. IST tomorrow (April 14). Do check it out, here's the link (https://djdhwanijain.wordpress.com/)

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Akshaya ✨
10:11 Apr 21, 2022

Will do!

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Dhwani Jain
11:16 Apr 21, 2022

THanks..... how have you been doing?

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Akshaya ✨
14:23 May 27, 2022

I'm good! How are you?

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Dhwani Jain
10:53 May 28, 2022

Awesome! Vacations just started, so I'm doing pretty great!

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Philia S
13:13 Mar 23, 2022

Hey Akshaya! I totally relate to this experience sooo much! We literally walked around our house in a daze for a few minutes and we were just like, "Woah, look at our piano-OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS BOOK-" and the house was literally caked with dirt. We'd been away from our house for two years now, lol. We couldn't come back cause of personal stuff. Anyways, you wrote this wonderfully! I don't really have critique. XD You write diaries so nicely, lol, mine are all over the place. Hope you're well!

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Akshaya ✨
10:14 Apr 21, 2022

Heyyyyy I KNOW RIGHT! That feeling! It actually feels like a treat, seeing everything after soooo long. I'm so glad this was relatable!! Woww that's a long time! Mine isn't that long either, around 8 months less. I'm sure it would've been a memorable return! Thank you!! Yeee to be honest, I wrote it in my diary and changed a lot of stuff before posting it on Reedsy. (My diary version is more scattered lol) Ty! Hope you're well too! It's been so long since we spoke!

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Philia S
19:16 Apr 21, 2022

Ikr! It sure was memorable-and tiring too. We had to vacuum clean everything and the floor was literally covered in two layers of dirt. XD

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Akshaya ✨
14:15 May 27, 2022

I know right!! Thankfully there weren't any insects or anything creeping around XD

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00:49 Jan 26, 2024

'sup peeps

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Hey Akshaya, saw ur bio, just reliving 2020-2021 memories here... U can try Inkitt or Wattpad!

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hiii :D omg absolutely loved this! also you wrote this in your DIARY? that’s so cool. i have a diary too, but i only ever write about, you know, tHe tEA✨ so the fact that you wrote something so poetic an’ beautiful in yours is so impressive!! awesome job -mars <3

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Akshaya ✨
05:28 Dec 30, 2023

Heyyy Thank you so much for dropping in! My ACTUAL diary entry isn't this structured-I just collected whatever I wrote and transformed it into story form. If you saw my journal, you'll realize how similar our journalling habits are (clue: the tEa)! <33

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Akshaya ✨
05:28 Dec 30, 2023

Heyyy Thank you so much for dropping in! My ACTUAL diary entry isn't this structured-I just collected whatever I wrote and transformed it into story form. If you saw my journal, you'll realize how similar our journalling habits are (clue: the tEa)! <33

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Roger Scypion
07:58 Feb 20, 2023

Very good, like a cautionary tale coming to life. Impressive. I so relate to much of what you wrote.

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Akshaya ✨
13:08 Jul 24, 2023

Thank you

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Antonio Jimenez
05:55 Dec 01, 2022

Great job. Your writing is very rich and full of interesting details. Awesome stuff! Would love if you could check out my newest story and leave some feedback. I need the help!

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Akshaya ✨
19:16 Dec 31, 2022

Happy New Year! Ah thank you so much! Of course, I'll do that! (A little later, though. It's 1 am on New Years' and I probably need to get off my tab now lol)

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Dhwani Jain
17:07 Apr 22, 2022

The Dream DJ Podcast, now available!!! Join the community of Dream DJ listeners now!!! https://anchor.fm/the-dream-dj/episodes/The-Dream-DJ-Podcast---Trailer-e1hhb8f

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Akshaya ✨
14:15 May 27, 2022

Subscribed!

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Dhwani Jain
10:52 May 28, 2022

Thanks a ton!

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Philia S
20:30 Apr 19, 2022

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! I HOPE YOU HAD A REALLY GREAT ONE <3 IM SOERY I'M TWO HOURS LATE TvT SORRY-

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Akshaya ✨
10:11 Apr 21, 2022

AAAAAA THANK YOU SO MUCHHH <333 AAAAAAA HOW DID YOU REMEMBERRRR

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Philia S
19:14 Apr 21, 2022

<33 i marked it in my calender. XD HOW WAS IT? AND HOW ARE YOU? ITS BEEN A WHILE, WHERED YOU GO OFF TO-

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Akshaya ✨
14:18 May 27, 2022

Wow that means a lot to me! <33 I'm like 40 days late but IT WAS SO AWESOME. We actually had school for the first time on my birthday (every other year it always fell during summer break) and I had loads of fun there :D I'M GOOD BUT EXHAUSTED! MEEP I DON'T KNOW MYSELF, TIME'S SPEEDING BY SO FAST AND I'M BARELY LETTING IT REGISTER IN MY MIND. HOW ARE YOUU

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17:38 Apr 06, 2022

This inspired me to maybe post some of my own journal entry-type things... I loved it! And the adjectives were fine, though you did use tons :)

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Akshaya ✨
10:12 Apr 21, 2022

Yay thank you! I'm glad it did. :) Yep, I suspected that. That's one of my writing shortcomings hehe

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13:08 Apr 21, 2022

Me, too. Hey, I was thinking of posting a personal story but wasn't sure if I should... Do you think it'd be cool?

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Akshaya ✨
14:21 May 27, 2022

Hii sorry I'm late, but if you haven't posted it, you definitely should! Of course, only if you're comfortable with it :) Of course it would be awesome!

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21:22 May 27, 2022

It's ok! I think I did post it!

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Palak Shah
18:09 Mar 19, 2022

Heyyy Akshaya, How are you doing? I haven't spoken to you in ages. I love this and it is cool that you keep a diary. Could you please read my latest story if possible? :)) Thanks :))

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Akshaya ✨
10:15 Apr 21, 2022

Heyyy I'm doing great! I know right! It's been aeons! I'm not even all that active on Reedsy now. Thank you! Do you keep a diary too? Of course! I just returned from school but I'll definitely do so when I log on to Reedsy later! :)

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Palak Shah
15:33 Apr 21, 2022

I used to keep a diary of some sort but now I do not. Thanksssssss

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Akshaya ✨
14:20 May 27, 2022

Ooh I see Nppp

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Palak Shah
18:31 May 27, 2022

Anything interesting going on?

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Unknown User
07:09 Mar 10, 2022

<removed by user>

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Akshaya ✨
10:23 Apr 21, 2022

Meeeeeep Well, to be honest, I have like two notebooks and three google docs which I keep shifting around with. So I'm NOT organized (my brain: what does organized mean?) It did?! Thank you sooo much!! <33 Yay! I'll definitely read it after studying for the two tests I have tomorrow <33

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