It's the Being Unknown

“Do you know I could break beneath the weight of the goodness, love, I still carry for you?

That I’d walk so far just to take the injury of finally knowing you.

It ain’t the being alone…

It ain’t the empty home, baby…

You know I’m good on my own…

Baby, you know it’s more the being unknown.

And there are some people, love, who are better unknown.”

Unknown / Nth by Hozier

Step 1: Get off the floor. This floor. The only thing that feels solid, unshakable, and unmovable in the midst of this spiraling hole. Yes, get off of that.

Step 2: Okay, maybe step one was overly ambitious. Just focus on feeling the floor, first. Ground yourself in it. Feel the scratch of the carpet fibers under your palms. Press your back into the firm surface. Breathe. Release. Sink.

Step 3: That was good. Next, cry. While continuing to listen to Hozier’s latest song on repeat. This is a perfectly natural reaction to the Folk Singing Dryad’s emotive power. Not weird at all.

Step 4: Oh my gosh did he have to say “the injury of finally knowing you”? Like why? So I guess step four is railing against Irish poetry…

Step 5: Because that’s the thing you know, I am “good on my own” until I get blindsided by these absolutely gut wrenching moments of loneliness.

Step 6: And really it’s not the being alone. It is the “being unknown”. Oh my gosh I am unknown by another human. How completely devastating.

Step 7: Right, so three entire steps dedicated to railing against poetry might have been a bit much. For your next trick, contemplate what’s wrong with you that has resulted in the stark reality of being unknown.

Step 8: Wow. Step seven was kind of mean. Try circling back to step one. GET. UP.

Step 9: Now that you’re off the floor, scream sing the bridge on repeat several hundred times while you contemplate the state of your life.

Step 10: Oh no. Am I one of those people who are “better unknown”? Is that why I can’t find my One? Because I don’t have a One? Am I just better off being unknown?

Step 11: Alright I know this song is about a relationship that went sour and longing to communicate with someone you once loved but it doesn’t feel that way to me. That bridge is the absolute agony of waiting for a soulmate who refuses to materialize. It’s the longing for someone that you simply cannot know because they aren’t here.

Step 12: Apparently steps 10-11 were sitting on the edge of the bed questioning the meaning of life and love. Definitely an improvement over lying on the floor, so I’ll let it slide. Step twelve is cutting yourself some slack.

Step 13: So what is it you want, exactly? Is it to find someone? Anyone? Just something, someone, to stifle the loudness of your aloneness? Is that what you want? Because there are steps for that. It’s pretty easy, actually. Let’s explore that particular side quest.

Side Quest Step 1: Get on the apps. Just pick a few and jump in wholeheartedly. Make your profiles as desirable as possible and get swiping.

Side Quest Step 2: Swipe yes on every dude you come across and see who’s interested.

Side Quest Step 3: Say yes. Just say yes to whoever and get out on some actual dates outside of your house because you’re not going to meet anyone in your house, okay?

Side Quest Step 4: Get dressed up. Go on the date. Laugh at the bad jokes. Nod. Smile. Ask all the questions and pretend you don’t care when he asks you nothing in return. And when he says he thinks you’re different from the other girls and you just click, you know? Insert eye roll here.

Side Quest Step 5: Be in the relationship. And then you won’t miss one little bit the pitying “she’s still single” looks, and the “are you seeing anyone” introductory questions, or the fabulous fifth wheel feelings. Instead, you’ll get to enjoy the “she could do so much better” whispers, and make all the “he’s just had a bad day, sorry” excuses, and you can plan all the dates, and you can take care of the holiday arrangements, and basically you can be miserable still but it will be better because you won’t be so embarrassingly unattached, right? Right?

Or.

Reject the side quest, and go for:

Step 14: Accept that you are worth more. You are worth waiting for. You are worth being pursued by a man with intentionality and character. A man who actually wants to know you. Find joy in all the things you love about your life right now.

And then…

Step 15: But, here’s the snag. Because seriously what the heck is step fifteen?! I get the loving yourself, the working on yourself, the being the best version of you you can be, and waiting and all of that. But what’s next? Surely there must be some next step to take to actually move from ‘waiting for your One’ to ‘meeting your One’ and making a life with them? It can’t just be this endless cycle of getting into a good place and being happy on your own until one day you get the rug pulled out from under you again because of a folk song with just the right level of yearning to make you actually feel all the feelings you’ve repressed for the last year. Until next thing you know you wind up on your bedroom floor making a list and crying and singing until you collapse from the exhaustion of it all and go back to pretending like it doesn’t exist? That can’t be it, can it? 

Nevermind.

Step 16: Beg God to show you the way.

Step 17: Get up. 

Step 18: Wash your face. Brush your teeth.

Step 19: Go to bed.

Step 20: Wake up and start all over again.