Understanding Happiness Through Grief

Jennie had always been inexplicably intrigued by Stephanie's natural ability to be bright and bubbly all of the time. Stephanie, without a doubt, was always the centre of attention without any effort whatsoever. No matter where she went, people flocked to her like sheep following a shepherd. Jennie however, had always been alone. This was, of course, by choice. After having been sent into foster care when her parents had passed in a car accident, and being thrown from terrible home to terrible home, Jennie had silently vowed to stay secluded from anyone and everyone so as not to get hurt again. Sure, she felt lonely sometimes, but it was better than the immeasurable black hole that had been left inside her after her parents' untimely death. Being only 9 years old at the time of the accident, she hadn't been able to fully cope with the loss of her parents, and shutting the memory out completely had seemed like a better option than having to face those feelings some 8 years later.

The day that Stephanie had sat down next to Jennie at lunch, Jennie immediately got up and left, thinking that it would put an end to any attempts at contact. When Stephanie approached her at her locker later that day, Jennie was even more distraught.

"You're Jennifer, right? I'm Stephanie. We went to East Elementary together." Jennie cringed at the sound of her full name. The nickname her parents had given her was the only piece of them she had kept, and having it torn away so suddenly made her stomach fold into knots and acid spill up to burn the back of her throat.

"It's Jennie. Did you need something?" She tried to speak with a malicious tone, hoping to scare off any attempts Stephanie might make at continuing any form of interaction between the two. Instead, she was met with a warm smile, which only caused the acid to move from the back of her throat into her mouth.

"I'm going shopping for a new dress, and I need a second opinion. C'mon, I'll have you back home before you know it." Stephanie reached her arm through Jennie's, pulling her into an inescapable tidal wave and dragging her down the hallway towards the front doors of the prison that they called high school. When they stepped outside, Jennie squinted, trying to block out the sun; adding any more light to the already blinding situation made Jennie think her head might explode. Apparently Stephanie noticed this, reaching into her purse and pulling out a pair of sunglasses and sliding them over Jennie's eyes without a word.

Jennie reluctantly climbed into the front seat of Stephanie's obnoxiously pink Beetle, and thought she might throw up when Stephanie folded down the convertible roof. "It's a perfect day, can't you feel that breeze!" Jennie thought this was, in fact, the worst day she had ever lived.

After a painful 20 minute drive with Stephanie singing whatever top 10 hit was on the radio, they arrived at a small boutique on the outer edge of town. "Gosh, I love this place! I've been coming here for years. Harriet, the lady who owns it, is basically my grandma. Sometimes I just come here to visit with her when I need an escape from reality, y'know?" Stephanie smiled again, looped her arm back through Jennie's and pulled her into the shop. Jennie's nostrils filled with the scent of vanilla and lavender. There were chairs set up in a corner, and a set of plush pillows in the display window at the front with books stacked neatly in a row beside them. Try as she might, Jennie couldn't bring herself to hate the boutique. The faintest hint of a smile crept across her face, which she covered in a fake cough so that Stephanie didn't see it.

"Steph! So nice to see you! Oh, and you've brought a friend, what a nice surprise!" Jennie guessed that the woman must be Harriet. She was short and round, her silver hair tied into a neat bun on the top of her head. She wore a white sundress patterned with pink roses, and looked surprisingly stylish and hip for someone old enough to be Jennie's grandmother. Harriet gave Jennie a warm smile before walking to the reading nook and taking a seat.

"What does she mean surprise? You're always surrounded by people, surely you don't come here alone?" Jennie tried to comprehend why Stephanie would possibly bring someone she barely even knew into her comfort place.

"I usually come alone, but like I said, I needed a second opinion this time. Oh, look at this one!" Stephanie walked over to a rack and grabbed a purple gingham dress, holding it up for Jennie to see.

The next day, Stephanie sat with Jennie at lunch, and Jennie reluctantly didn't chase her away. Stephanie talked about how much she was dreading her 4th period english class, and Jennie tried her best to ignore her. When the warning bell rang, Stephanie grabbed Jennie's phone and put her name and number into the contacts, telling her to keep in touch. Slowly, the days faded into weeks, and Jennie began to enjoy Stephanie's company. She still tried to pretend like she didn't care, but she grew to appreciate spending her lunches with Stephanie instead of eating alone. After a month or so, Jennie began engaging in whatever topic Stephanie happened to be on that day. Eventually, she even began initiating conversation herself. With each new day, she vowed to cut herself off from Stephanie, but only found herself drawn deeper and deeper into the whirlwind of her life.

When the anniversary of her parents death rolled around, Jennie stayed home from school like she did every year. She pulled out her bike, which she used as her sole form of transportation after vowing never to get her license, and started the ride to visit her parents’ grave. She got to the cemetery, pulled out her blanket, and started filling her parents in on the new friendship that had blossomed through the past year. For the first time, she finally had something to tell them that wasn't negative. She jumped at the sound of her phone, yanked abruptly from her thoughts. She smiled as she read the message from Stephanie.

Missed you at lunch today. Where are you? It isn't like you to miss class. Want to get a milkshake after I'm finished classes?

Jennie smiled, feeling herself relax as she read the message.

Can you meet me at the cemetery?

Of course! Be there as soon as I can.

As Jennie waited for Stephanie, she began to feel that black hole inside of her expanding, tearing through her body in searing waves of pain. She was thankful for Stephanie, of course, but her whole body was on fire, burning with guilt from the inside out. She had broken the most important promise she had ever made to herself. She had betrayed her parents. The more she thought about her connection with Stephanie, the more her parents seemed to fade away. She tried to picture their faces, imagine the sounds of their laughter, the warmth of their love. With each passing second, she felt the details fade away, her entire existence being taken over by pain. She couldn't breathe, couldn't think. All she could do was claw at her throat, desperately trying to get even a single atom of oxygen into her lungs. Right when she thought she might never recover, she felt a pair of arms wrapping around her. She sat there in silence, letting Stephanie hold her as she finally processed her parents’ death.

After what felt like an eternity, Stephanie broke the silence. "Hey, talk to me. What's going on?" Jennie was hesitant to open up to Stephanie, but knew she couldn't keep herself locked away in the cage she had created for forever. Stephanie sat and listened as Jennie finally explained everything. She talked about the loss of her parents, and how she had vowed to shut herself out from everyone so that she couldn't be hurt again. She explained how she had never let herself process her grief, and how everything had come crashing down when she had gone to visit her parents at their final resting place. She explained her time in foster care, and how she had only shut down even more after being thrown from home to home. She never had a stable family, and it only reinforced her need to keep herself isolated. If she didn't allow herself to get attached, it wouldn't hurt when she was inevitably torn from her temporary home, and she would be able to move on without a second thought.

"Jennie, I am so sorry you ever had to make yourself feel that way, but you deserve to be happy. Losing your parents must have been terrible, but you can't let it hold you back from living. You'll never be able to fully escape your grief, but if you let yourself live a little, I promise it will get easier." Stephanie pulled Jennie back into a tight embrace, feeling her soften up ever so slightly.

"Can I ask you something?" Jennie's voice escaped her mouth as a hoarse whisper, barely audible.

"Of course! Anything, anything at all."

"Why did you bring me to that shop with you? That first day you sat with me at lunch, I just got up and left you, and when you came to my locker, I was awful to you, on purpose. Why did you keep coming back to me? I don't get it. If I were you, I would have run as far away from me as I possibly could."

"Back when we were in elementary school, my best friend Adam and I went to the beach. Adam wanted to swim, but I didn't. He tried to get me to go with him, but I said the water was too cold. Our parents had gone to the boardwalk to get ice cream, and left us alone for a few minutes. When Adam got into the water, he got stuck in the riptide and went under. By the time I got back with our parents, it was too late. We were only 13 when it happened.  For years, I blamed myself for his death. I shut everyone out and wouldn't talk to anyone. Eventually, I started to open back up, and I realized that even though Adam was lost that day, I didn't need to lose myself with him. Life goes on, and eventually I realized that maybe I should keep living for the both of us. I opened up, let people in, and I started to remember how much I enjoyed being happy. When I first noticed you in the lunch room, I didn't sit with you. But after seeing you alone in there for a week straight, I realized that you needed someone to help you remember what happiness felt like. That's why I dragged you with me to the boutique. You deserve to be happy, Jennie. Your parents may be gone, but you're not. Don't you think you deserve a chance at a good life?"

Those words slowly filled the hole that had been burning inside Jennie for years. It would never truly leave her, and there were moments when it seemed to erode and expand again, but she always managed to help fill it back in. For the first time in her life, Jennie finally understood why Stephanie could be so bright and bubbly all the time, and she finally allowed herself to start being bright and bubbly too.