Not A Word

“In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself” – Laurence Sterne

April 5th Morning

Jason thought to himself, and so it begins. Here I am alone with my thoughts and this journal as my only companion and confidante. I rub my hands together partly for warmth and partly to validate my existence. On one wall of the room is a faucet with a washbasin and a latrine. The only furniture is a single bed with a thin mattress, small pillow, and grey wool blanket. I cannot see anything of the outside world except a branch of a tall tree since there is only one very tiny remarkably high window. I feel isolated.

Jason wondered silently how he would ever survive. It might have the makings of a good story if he did, and he could use the journal to take notes of his experiences.   Just then, he heard a bird song. Chickadee had found him. Jason had always found a kind of kinship with small birds such as chickadees. Like them he was small but cheerful, always gathering tidbits and storing them “for best”. The chickadee would help him survive. That gave him hope.

April 5^th Noon

A sliver opened in the door and a tray was pushed through. Chicken broth along with bread that looked homemade. Cold water served in a clay goblet. Jason took the tray and sat down on the edge of the bed to eat the “feast”. When he had finished, he placed the tray back in the slot in the door. Immediately it was collected without a word. In the hours following the meal Jason wrote in his journal.

I have come to a decision. I will make the most of my time here and pray for a specific creature or ocean or tree each day. I will send blessings to each one and have faith that the prayers will be for the highest good. Chickadees will be the first, since one of them came to comfort me this morning in my hour of loneliness; especially the black-capped chickadees that I remember so well. May the angels carry my prayers to heaven on their wings.

Time seemed to pass very slowly. Jason didn’t know if he would experience any time distortion during the time of isolation. He had read people’s experiences in sensory deprivation tanks. This was not the same kind of experience though since he could see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. The evening meal was the same as lunch, but with one exception. A slice of fruit was included. Dessert, he guessed. Today it was an orange segment. He liked oranges. Jason only had a candle for light since his cell had no electricity, so had to stop writing when it got dark.

April 6^th Morning

Jason was an early riser so was fully awake when a bowl of porridge was provided. Water again for the beverage. He pretended (or rather tried to pretend) that the water was a steaming mug of his favorite tea, but his mind was having none of it. One day, perhaps. He wrote: At least I can hear the happy little chickadee this morning. It makes my heart happy. All is well. Jason thought to mark the days in his journal so he could keep track of time. He wanted to keep his sanity. He missed the interaction (what little he had of it) with the outside world. He heard that silence was golden, but this was extreme. He felt a coldness especially in his hands and experienced a longing for companionship.

April 13^th Morning

There was no porridge this morning. Instead, a hot cross bun with butter. It must be Good Friday. Jason imagined the excited children in his old neighborhood searching happily for hidden Easter eggs on Sunday. He used to help the littlest ones, so they at least got some treats. Today the cardinal bird came to visit. He remembered the bright red color of the male cardinals and how they took care of the females and young ones, bringing them seed. The thoughts brought him comfort and he smiled.

April 15^th Morning

To his great surprise and delight, a soft boiled egg. Happy Easter! He thought about the bells ringing out as they heralded the joyous day. He would hear them again, one day. Since he was not able to help the littlest children this year, he sent a prayer out that their guardian angels would help them find treats. 

May 5^th Noon

For a time, Jason had been unable to write anything in his journal but from out of the blue, a thought crossed his mind, and he wrote:

         The thought was of a person he hadn’t thought about in years. The man had thick eyebrows, short stature, and a fierce look in his eyes. It was the beginning of the school year and the man was dividing up the students into their respective classes. Each went off with their teachers until only about 20 were left standing in the courtyard. Mr. Copley then said:

“And you, poor sods, are with me”. Copley was a very tough teacher but one who cared deeply about his students although he would never show it. It was he who instilled in Jason a lifelong love of both history and reading, especially the work of Rudyard Kipling. Mr. Copley would read from Just So stories on Friday afternoons for the class sometimes. He made the words come alive. Jason wondered what made him think of Mr. Copley after all these years. He said a prayer of blessing for the teacher and let the thoughts pass.  Another thought made him laugh and he added it to the journal– he was attending a lecture about “the missing link” between man and ape. He found it extremely difficult to concentrate because unfortunately the lecturer looked very much like an ape. Jason had struggled to retain his composure.

May 14^th Morning

Today he heard several little chickadee voices – proud parents had brought little ones for Jason to hear – what a blessing and a joy. He wished he had some sunflower seed to give them and a way to reach the high window. Even standing on the bed he was unable to reach it. Never mind, his heart felt light with their pretty songs and it eased his loneliness.

July 4^th Noon

Dessert today was a cupcake with white icing and blue and red sprinkles. Jason smiled at this kind gesture and ate hungrily, savoring the sweetness. It made a welcome change from broth and bread. Jason’s mind pivoted between racing random thoughts and no thoughts; it was interesting. He thought about his favorite authors, colors, music, food, trees, and wildlife. Jason welcomed the thoughts – it kept him sane. Rubbing his hands together periodically reminded him that he existed.

October 31^st Evening

Gummy worms for dessert (a secret childhood indulgence so he smiled as he ate) – it must be Halloween. He took the opportunity to bless each of his ancestors and wondered what creative costumes the little ones were wearing this year. Jason was surprised he had been able to stay silent this long. He credited his journal for help in that. Today he thought of great minds of the science world – geniuses like Einstein and his theory of relativity, mathematicians like Pythagoras, and the great author Joseph Campbell and his book The Power of Myth – fascinating reading. He wondered how much silent time each of them had and how each had survived it.

January 1^st Morning

New Year’s Day – Jason thought to himself I am on the home stretch now; I can do this. My resolution for this new year is to treasure each moment and not take anything for granted. Also, to make certain I always have sunflower seed for my feathered friends. His eyes misted up a little as he thought about them. Soon, he consoled himself, soon.

April 4^th, Morning

The abbot came into Jason’s room. Well done my son. You have withstood our rigorous initiation – one year of absolute silence and solitude. You are a credit to our order, and we welcome you to our fold. You will hereafter be known as Benedict after Benedict the moor and your namesake’s Feast day is today. You shall learn the craft of breadmaking from Friar Absalom. You can speak all you want on Feast days and for one hour on each of the other days. Welcome Benedict. A hearty feast awaits you in the breakfast hall. The brothers are eager to welcome you too.

Benedict, nee Jason, thanked the abbot but asked if he might first have a little seed to set out for his feathered friends – they would help him celebrate the feast day too. The abbot smiled and handed him a small bag of sunflower seed – he was kindred spirit whose favorite Jason would later learn was the chickadee. Life was good and he was very blessed. He felt content and at peace.