28 comments

Christmas Crime Funny

“Mr. Nicholas, you have been caught for breaking and entering every house in the world once a year for as long as anyone can remember.” That was what the judge said. “Anything to say in your defence?” 

“Y-your honour, I was delivering presents! For children they were happy.” Stuttered Santa.

“Liar, you gave me a toy doll when I was twelve years old!” Yelled an adult.

“Well I thought you wanted one.” said Santa wondering if this was a nightmare.

“And you didn't wipe your feet on the mat when you came in.” said a very tall and skinny woman who was the shape of a pole. “Now I have to walk around my house with the smell of reindeer dung.”

“It's that bad? I sleep next to my reindeers and they don't smell that bad.”

One very fat man who looked like if you threw him from the tallest building he would bounce said

“One day when I was little I woke up on Christmas and went to my Christmas tree, I saw a box of chocolates but guess what.”

“It was out of date?” guessed the judge

“It was covered in reindeer poop?” said the skinny lady

“It was half eaten?” asked another man.

“Wrong! He had put it under the tree!!! I couldn't reach it!”

Everyone let out a gasp as if it was worse than what they said. The judge banged his hammer against the wooden plate.

“Alright, alright it’s settled, a lifetime in prison.”

He was shipped off to a prison for magical things. There he met the tooth fairy and Frosty The Snowman, a black bird with an injured wing, and a man called Jeff who claimed he was a muffin, and Neil Gaiman. (He did not know what Neil Gaiman was doing in there but he told wonderful stories of Norse Gods and a girl called Coraline.) Meanwhile, the elves were relaxing in the north pole. Everyday they would congratulate each other on how they got rid of Mr. Claus and that it was about time that they got rid of the fatty. The reindeers were happy because they thought Santa stinked. But Mrs. Claus was the most excited, she could finally fulfill her dreams of playing video games all day everyday. 

Thousands of years past and Santa became more restless in his cage. the tooth fairy had been eaten by his bird more times then able to be counted. and The Immortal Gaiman had told thousands of thousands of tales all ready. And Frosty had melted more than a million drops of water now. And Jeff, well, he sat there more than one million minutes all ready. Everyone was tired and they were sick of seeing the same things everyday, stone, metal and plastic. one night when the guards were walking past Santa's cell he extended one thin finger and curled it around the key. He then pulled back his hand and put the key under his tongue in his mouth. He later took out the key and began to try and push it in on the other side. his fingers fumbled and unfortunately he dropped the key. from inside his pocket he retrieved a foldable walking stick and began to prod at the key trying to pull it back when a mosquito landed on the back of his hand and sank its sucker into his flesh. Santa dropped the stick. he slapped the insect turning it into a fat pile of greenish yellow slime. He told his bird to go and fetch the stick. The bird did as he was told. Santa continued to prod at the key when Neil Gaiman couldn't take it anymore and said that he should tell the bird to go and fetch the key instead of the stick.

"You're right, so smart." said Santa in understanding. "Go get the key."

a few hours later he had escaped his cell and was now unlocking the cells of his friends.

"Alright Muffin Man, you're ok now." said Santa.

"I need my rock to turn into a muffin again." said Jeff gloomily

"Where is it then?" sighed Santa.

"It's on the second floor of the third room to the right."

"Have you been there?" asked Mr. Clause.

"Duh, what do you think?"

"Then why didn't you take it yourself."

"I didn't know how." said Jeff.

It took some time but the group eventually found the staircase. and got into the specified room. Santa picked up the rock and said.

"What do you mean you didn't know how?" Asked Santa.

Suddenly two security guards stepped out of the shadows and told them to freeze and drop the rock. Santa leaped out of the closest window thinking that his reindeers would catch him. He, instead, landed on a very fat moose in the middle of a barn.

"Come down here it's safe!" He yelled at the window.

One by one they each plopped down Gaiman on a horse, Jeff on a pig, frosty on a cow and the tooth fairy on a very cross farmer. The fairy produced a chain of teeth out of her dress pocket and wrapped it around the farmer. Like one would do to a horse. The group holding on to their animals eventually rode to the town where Santas trial had been held, just in time for Christmas Eve. At the first house belonging to the lady that had said her floor stank of reindeer dung, frosty gave her some sanitizer under her tree. At the second house belonging to the adult who complained about having been given a doll at the age of twelve, Gaiman gave her two black button eyes and a sewing needle. And at the last house belonging to the man had complained about the chocolates. Santa gave him Jeff in his muffin form and put him on a plate, next to the tree. Santa thanked everyone and he went back to his home, the north pole. The elves and reindeers groaned and sighed when they saw his familiar red suit. They kicked him out and built a wall around the village of Mrs. Clause. Santa realised that he was tired of seeing the elves so he trained his bird to be a professional polar bear and penguin trainer and everyone lived happily ever after.

December 23, 2020 17:13

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28 comments

I really enjoyed reading this story! :)

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Benji Bobo ©
18:51 Dec 23, 2020

Thanks so much!!! it means alot to me!

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Oh, no problem!!!

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Kate Reynolds
13:58 Dec 31, 2020

Hello Benjamin! This story was fantastic! I loved the light and holiday feel to it, and it was a very creative way of writing about the prompt. It kind of reminded me of a fairytale. I have one suggestion, though. ““Mr. Nicholas, you have been caught for breaking and entering every house in the world once a year for as long as anyone can remember.” That was what the judge said.” Maybe instead of putting “that was what the judge said”, you could say something like “the judge stared at Santa as he listed off all his crimes.” But other than th...

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Benji Bobo ©
14:39 Dec 31, 2020

That is such a good idea, I kinda knew there was something wrong with that sentence but I didnt know what to change it into, thank you so much!

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Kate Reynolds
15:07 Dec 31, 2020

Ofc! :D

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Blackoholic .
22:19 Dec 30, 2020

I adore this story, seriously keep the work up!

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Benji Bobo ©
23:46 Dec 30, 2020

Thank you very much

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Benji Bobo ©
23:46 Dec 30, 2020

!!!

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00:32 Jan 22, 2021

I really liked it, very clever and funny =)

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Benji Bobo ©
16:31 Jan 27, 2021

Thanks

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Alfred Nyamwange
04:47 Jan 02, 2021

Magical. Santa in court on accusations of what he does best and helpless in his defense. Cleverly woven.

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Benji Bobo ©
16:31 Jan 02, 2021

Thank you

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Hallie Blatz
13:33 Jan 01, 2021

Hey, thanks for liking my story! Also this story was so wonky I had no idea what to except next. It was wonderful and read like one of those children’s stories that everyone enjoys. Sincerely, Hallie.

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Benji Bobo ©
14:32 Jan 01, 2021

Thanks, your stories are very good!

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Hallie Blatz
15:16 Jan 02, 2021

Thank you!

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Hallie Blatz
15:16 Jan 02, 2021

Thank you!

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Hallie Blatz
15:16 Jan 02, 2021

Thank you!

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✨Abby ✨
02:17 Jan 01, 2021

Ooh I love this!!! Very clever. Keep writing!!!!

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Benji Bobo ©
14:31 Jan 01, 2021

Thanks!!!

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Frances Reine
16:32 Dec 29, 2020

This was amazing! Jeff is my favourite. Are their penguins in the North Pole though? lol (Still, amazing though.)

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Benji Bobo ©
14:37 Dec 31, 2020

~oops

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Philip Clayberg
20:37 Dec 23, 2020

Another great story. Thank you for writing it. It reminded me of the joke about a prosecutor questioning Santa in court: "Did you, or did you not, call my client a 'ho' three times?"

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Benji Bobo ©
22:30 Dec 23, 2020

Nice one very funny thanks for liking my story

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Philip Clayberg
00:04 Dec 24, 2020

You're welcome. Glad you liked the joke.

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