The Saltwater Note

Kayliegh was jogging down the beach, her long strawberry blonde ponytail was dancing in the wind, somehow glowing, even more beautiful than usual in the sunrise’s bright orange and red hues. Her tan skin, dotted with brown freckles, not too many, but just the perfect ratio of tan to brown was warm to the touch. She slowed to a stroll and smiled, looking down at her arm remembering how her gram would always trace her freckles and connect them with an imaginary line, drawing hearts, animals or writing words. She would belly laugh from the tickling sensation while concentrating to guess what gram had created on her flesh.  

Kayleigh was in her element, this place, this glorious paradise was her sanctuary. It is her peaceful place where she went to feel closest to God and her gram, who had passed away 3 years ago. Kayleigh would talk to them both simultaneously about the day to come while no one else was around Just the squawking seagulls, and small sand creatures scampering across the beach. She looked for guidance in the decisions to come, thanked God for yesterday's blessings and reflect on her goals for the day.   

Here she found the peace and tranquility she had craved for so long, after a year and a half of absolute chaos. When gram died a part of her did too. She was in so much pain and turned to all the wrong places, sex, drugs and alcohol numbed the pain momentarily, but the pain always came back like the high tide she was letting wash over her bare feet and crimson painted toes. Unlike these waves, which she relishes in, it was one of grief that crippled her with fear that life would never be as good again. Never to be someone's number one again; yes, she always knew gram called all her babies' number one but, gram made her feel like a priority, like the most important person in the world.  

Kayleigh was lost in thought, when she kicked something, a crumpled-up piece of paper rolling across the beach like tumbleweed. She chased it and managed to grab it before the tide did. As she slowly opened the wrinkled sheet of ivy printed stationery her heart dropped as her eyes darted across the frantic scribbled lines. The words heavied her heart while filling her chest with anxiety, taking her back to her own suicide note just a year ago today. She could see where the writer's tears fell on the fresh ink and smeared a goodbye letter to a world filled with pain and sadness. The words her tear-filled emerald tinted eyes kept running back to where eerily the same she used in her own farewell letter. I can’t live without her, too much pain, nobody sees my pain or cares, the world will be better off without me. This was fresh ink, she thought as she touched it and it smeared, she could tell by the thickness of the strokes that it was written with a gel pen, her own preference when journaling. She started looking franticly around the beach, are they here? The note was signed goodbye, Trevor. Her first thought was to call 911, but would they laugh at her? Kayleigh quickly took a picture of the note and uploaded it to Chat-Space, with the caption, “help me save a life, do you recognize this person’s handwriting?”, sure to make it public. She started scanning the vast body of water, hoping to see something, anything but nothing. She felt helpless, but she was determined to figure out who and where Trevor was to talk him out of a terrible decision that took her so long to heal from making. 

Kayleigh decided to call her childhood best friend Maysie, after the niceties she got straight to the point. “Do you remember how we used to play detective?”, she asks with a sort of hope to her voice, then continued “I found a crumpled-up suicide note on the beach this morning, the ink was still wet, it smudged when I rubbed it, so I believe he is still alive.” “He?” Maysie responded; her interest piqued. “Yes, he signed the note, Trevor” “Oh, gotchya!” Maysie was quiet for a moment and then cautiously proceeded... “Kayleigh, hun, do you think this is wise, throwing yourself into this mystery? I mean it has literally been one year, today, in fact since your own attempt. I'm concerned its gonna trigger you. Bring back all the feelings of hopelessness and pain. You’re such an empath, to the point you absorb other people's problems and emotions.” “I’m fine, I promise. Maysie, we could save his life, you would have tried to stop me.” Kayleigh could almost hear the eye roll coming through the phone. “Well, of course, but you are my best friend, we’ve known each other since 2nd grade! I would have done anything to save you from the pain you've been through. Ugh, fine. Let's meet at the coffee house on 12th and Cherry.” Kayleigh could barely contain her excitement, “10:30?” Maysie reluctantly agreed.  

As Kayleigh clicked the combination lock closed and spun the numbers from 3-1-6, her favorite numbers. The first bible verse she ever memorized was John 3:16. She said a silent prayer, “Lord, I am coming to you with a heavy heart. You know why this note made its way to me. Gram always said You had a plan for everything that has happened in my life, the pain, suffering and lessons... That my tests would become my testimony. Father, I am claiming victory in this situation. Send your peace that passes understanding to Trevor, in this very moment and lead me to him. Touch the hearts and minds of all that see my post, if they don't know anything give them the urgency to share his note. I claim all these things in your name, Amen”  

Just as she opened her eyes, she heard a familiar rumble. There she was miss Maysie on her gorgeous, fully dressed Pink Harley with turquoise accents!! It was her prized possession. As Maysie took off her helmet and tossed her shoulder length, wavy blonde hair back and forth Kayleigh got a pang of jealousy. She always wanted to be more like Maysie, so undeniably true to herself. Maysie never gave a thought to what anyone thought of her or her decisions. While Kayleigh was a recovering people pleaser, due to Maysie’s help. Always telling her, “What other people think of you is none of your business. Not everyone is going to like you or think your great, be okay with that, because that is what makes the people who do love you for who you are special!”  

Kayleigh was snapped out of thought when Maysie put her hand on her arm and squeezed, “KaeKae! How are you holding up?” Kayleigh snapped out of her trance and hugged her. “Maze, it's been too long, how are you?” “I’m great!!! But you didn't answer my question.” “Oh my gosh, I’m good, optimistic!” “Okay but you know this is a long shot, right? I don't want you to take this hard if we don't find him; Hell, it might be a hoax. Some little teenage brats trying to be funny.” Kayleigh raised her eyebrow and thought for a moment and said “Nah, it’s too authentic, too pain filled. It's the real thing.” “Okay” Maysie said as she nodded her chin up at a hot guy at the bar. “The usual? "He asked “Two!” she answered with a twinkle in her eye. “Umm, who is that and what is going on with him?” “I'm a regular, it’s nothing.” Kayleigh trepidatiously took a sip and her eyes lit up “what is this heaven in a mug?!” “Blended Mocha Chai Latte with java chips, it’s my own creation. They are putting it on the menu... and calling it Amaysing Latte!!!” “Only you! Alright let's get to business” “Ok, where's this note?” Maysie Busted up laughing when Kayleigh pulled out a gallon zipped freezer bag with the note in it! “Now it’s my turn, ONLY YOU!” Kayleigh couldn't help but giggle a little too. 

They talked for a while about how to find Trevor, where they thought he might live and how to move forward. Who was the ‘she’ he can't live without what happened to her. How did it happen? Did she die? Did she leave? Who was she? Wife, girlfriend, Mom, Grandmother. There were so many questions, so little time, so they got on Chat-Space to search for anyone named Trevor, from the tri-beach area. As Kayleigh was opening her laptop her C-Space messenger app alerted a new message, then another and another. 17 messages, 6 from people who had an idea of who Trevor was, one from a reporter wanting to do a story and the other 10 from the same woman, Thelma. Kayleigh forwarded all but Thelmas messages to Maysie, so she could take notes and set up an interview with the reporter from the local 7 o'clock news.  

Kayleigh took a deep breath and clicked on Thelma’s message bubble. She got a sharp punch in her gut as soon as it opened. All caps locks, so angry and accusatory.  

Thelma: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? 

Thelma: DO YOU THINK YOU ARE FUNNY? 

Thelma: WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO SHARE SOMEONES PERSONAL BUSINESS AND PAIN ALL OVER THE WEB? 

Thelma: ARE YOU TRYING TO GO VIRAL, GET YOUR 15 MINUTES OF FAME AT SOMEONE ELSE’S EXPENSE? 

Thelma: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? EVERYONE HAS SEEN IT, IT'S BEEN SHARED OVER 300 TIMES!!! 

Thelma: WHAT IF HE CHANGED HIS MIND, EVERYONE WOULD KNOW, HE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW HIS FACE ANYWHERE AGAIN!! 

Thelma: Answer me where are you now? Where's your concern now?  

Thelma: That's great. You ruined this guy's life, and now you're ignoring the people who are trying to help. 

Thelma: HELLOOOOO????!!!! 

Thelma: WHATEVER... UNBELIEVEABLE, YOURE A REAL PEICE OF WORK!! 

Kayleigh paused, tears rolling down her freckled cheeks. Am I wrong, did I make a mistake? She thought. What if he changed his mind?  

Kayleigh took a slow long breath, counting to four silently. She imagined the breath traveling down to the tips of her toes, and then breathed out all of the anxiety with a slow, cleansing exhale. Her lips pursed ever so softly and slowly as she counted to four again. 4x4 breathing was her favorite coping skill, it always did the trick, that and naming off as many species of flowers as she could think of. She closed her eyes and whispered God give me grace and wisdom. As she placed her fingers on the keyboard her fingers just started pecking the letters without much effort, as if someone else was doing the work.  

Kayleigh: I am here. Sorry, I was away from my laptop. 

Kayleigh: I totally understand your concerns, in fact I’m embarrassed that I didn’t think of them. I guess I was so caught up in my own past trauma from attempting to end my life I just wanted to save Trevor from making the same mistake.  

She paused, fingers crossed, murmuring Please God, Please God, Please God. Thelma's name popped up with a bubble with the three dots indicating she was typing. Kayleigh paused, holding her breath. 

Thelma: Well, that’s all fine and dandy but what are you going to do about it now? It’s been shared everywhere, to everyone. He’s never going to be able to show his face again. 

Kayleigh: I get where you are coming from, I do, but you have to understand that for someone to write a note, they are seriously considering it. They most likely have a plan and to be honest, I  could never live with myself if I saw them pull his dead body out of the ocean on the news when I could have stopped it from happening.  

Thelma: The ocean? What makes you think he would have killed himself in the ocean? 

Kayleigh: It’s where I found his note, I was at west beach by the pier for my morning jog and found it rolling down the beach in the wind… I almost didn’t catch it before the tide did. My heart dropped when I read it. It was almost identical to my own suicide letter I wrote a year ago today. It was of course a failed attempt, thank God. But it took so long to come back from.

I was on a ventilator for three days, in the psych ward for five weeks, getting meds, therapy, and completed a 12-week intensive outpatient program for behavioral health. All of that and it still took months of therapy to get myself back together. 

Thelma: Wow, I’m sorry you went through that. I’m glad you’re okay now. You really do care, don’t you? 

Kayleigh: I do. I really do. 

The two continued chatting for about twenty-five minutes when Maysie jumped up from her chair, “Trevor’s sister messaged me! She gave him stationary with ivy on it!” “Oh my gosh! Ok, where is she?” Kayleigh asked, completely flabbergasted that someone so close to him saw her post. “She's down the street at the supermarket!” Maysie hollered a little louder than she meant to. “I’m going to see if she’ll meet us here.” “Great idea!” Kayleigh exclaimed. 

Kayleigh excitedly jumped back to her chat with Thelma. 

Kayleigh: Trevor’s sister is on her way here to meet with us, she recognized the paper he wrote his note on. 

Suddenly, they heard commotion across the coffee bar, they both looked and saw a young man hurriedly gathering the things that fell out of his laptop bag. They headed over to help him pick everything up, but he quickly walked out. Maysie looked at Kayleigh and said, “That was bizarre.” “You think?” Kayleigh agreed.  

Teresa, Trevor’s sister arrived about 10 minutes later, she looked around and the girls waved her over. “Hi, I'm Teresa, Trevor’s little sister, which of you found his note?” Kayleigh sheepishly raised her hand and said, “it was me, I found it.” Teresa threw her arms around Kayleigh and started sobbing, “thank you for caring, I don’t know what I’ll do if we don’t find him.” “We’re gonna find him, I just know it!” Kayleigh replied hugging her like an old friend. Teresa dropped her sunglasses and Maysie bent over to pick them up, as she started to stand back up something caught her eye where the young man had been sitting. “Umm, guys, is that a gel pen?” pointing toward the object on the floor. They all quickly walked over “Oh my gosh, it’s the exact same brand I gave Trev with the Ivy stationary!” Maysie looked at Kayleigh and said, “what are the chances that he was here, fifteen feet away from us the whole time we were looking for leads?” Kayleigh looked at Teresa and asked, “does the name Thelma mean anything to you?” The color drained from Teresa’s face, “Thelma was our oldest sister, she passed away 3 months ago.” “Are you kidding me? How did I not figure this out sooner?” Looking puzzled, Teresa and Maysie kept listening intently. “As soon as I mentioned his sister was on her way, no response from ‘Thelma’ and that guy dropped his stuff and hurried out, Gawd I’m so stupid. Some detectives!” “It was fifteen minutes ago; he couldn’t have gone far.” Maysie said. Teresa added “He doesn’t have a car; he walks everywhere or rides his bike.” “Are you kidding me?! He was probably parked next to my bike!” The girls continued talking and decided to play it cool with Trevor and act like they aren’t on to him. Kayleigh opened the chat box to Trevor and her conversation and gave her laptop to Teresa. “Play it cool, don’t scare him off.” Maysie said.  

Teresa: Thelma? Everything ok? I thought you’d be excited, you seemed just as concerned as I was. 

Nothing. No conversation bubble, no online indicator next to ‘her’ name.  

Teresa called his cell; she heard a familiar song faintly playing. “That’s his phone!” They all took off running toward the song playing outside the door. “TREVOR!!” Teresa screamed when she saw her brother sitting on the curb next to his bike, His head in his hands. His fingers interlocked in his disheveled short brown hair. Trevor jerked his head up, his brown eyes were bloodshot, filled with tears and swollen from crying.” Teresa?” he said in disbelief. She ran to him and threw her arms around him, almost knocking him over. She sobbed in relief, he was alive. The girls stood there in awe, both crying themselves, now. “Do you want to meet Kayleigh? She found your letter.” Teresa asked. He said, “I feel like I already know her, but yes.” Kayleigh walked over slowly, as Trevor stood up. “Nice to meet you.” Trevor said as he reached out to shake her hand. Kayleigh took his hand and pulled him into an embrace, “I’ve never been so happy to meet anyone in my whole life!” “Thanks.” Trevor said, still in disbelief that a stranger cared so much.

The next morning Maysie stood off stage watching as the Morning Show host introduced Trevor and Kayleigh. She looked at Trevor and asked, “So what do you think about all of this, what she did to find you?” Taking Kayleigh's hand he responded sweetly, “I think it’s a miracle, God sent her to me, she’s my guardian angel.” Then he leaned in and kissed Kayleigh on the lips.