3 comments

Funny Fiction


               “Hey, babe?” Matt called out with a muffled mouth. He regrettably swallowed, but only to clear his mouth and esophagus.

               “What’s up?” Meredith asked, her face twisted with concern.

               Matt blinked and gulped a glass of water to wash away the aftertaste that was still unfortunately lingering on his tongue. “There’s something wrong with the stuffing.”

               Meredith grabbed a spoonful from the taste-test batch. “Seems ok to me,” she said, helping herself to the next bite.

               “There’s something in it. It’s…”

               “Cranberries. I wanted sort of a historically accurate kind of theme. Don’t you think that’s colonial style?”

               “Have you been saving them that long?” Matt said. He started picking them out.

               “I got this recipe from the Queen of Holiday traditions herself. this is the first Thanksgiving for our blended family. I want it to go perfect and have new traditions.”

“But do you have to go rogue?” Matt asked. “I mean, we can still host and still have my mom’s turkey and your mom’s stuffing, I maybe you can make like a couple of things to incorporate and we can work up to this idea…I mean you know how our families are separately. You put them together and throw in this weird concoction of…”

Meredith’s crossed arms and vexed look cut him off. “Your mom and my mom were very generous to give us this year in the rotation so we didn’t have to split and go fifty places. In fact, your mom loved the idea and wanted to see our new place. We are going to make her feel welcome and create new traditions for our new family, okay?”

“My mom loves you. You don’t have to work so hard to impress her. I promise.”

Meredith stared at the cover of the Queen of Christmas’ cookbook. Her mother-in-law’s perfectly brilliant smile flashed back at her. Nora Jean stood in front of a picturesque table. Everything was neat and perfect and the image extended to Nora Jean in the flesh. She’d always been pleasant and nice as her persona would suggest, but Meredith always felt insecure. Meredith’s own home was never this nicely kept. Nora Jean had “treated” her to her personal cleaning lady “as a thank you for hosting.” Meredith wondered if it was a warm-hearted gift of a subtle implication that she didn’t clean well enough.

               “Hey,” Meredith’s dad said, walking in with a paper grocery bag. “I got the corn. They didn’t have ‘autumn maze’ but who’s gonna know the difference If you throw your fancy spices in there?” He spied the stuffing with an uncertain look.

               “Cranberries,” Meredith said. She got her dad a clean spoon and bowl, dishing a small amount. “Try it.”

               Pete looked as if it might contain arsenic. “No thanks, I’m good. I saw the Velveeta casserole glop too. What’s that got to do with the Mayflower?”

               “Oh, no! Not that!” Matt said.

               “You said you liked that casserole!” Meredith argued.

               “Yeah. we weren’t married yet. I wanted to seal the deal first.”

               “What’s under the cheese anyway?” Pete asked suspiciously. “And what's purple thing in the other baking dish?”

               “It’s eggplant, Dad. It will be fine, ok?”

               “Wait, eggplant is under the cheese or is it the purply thing?”

               “Hey,” Anthony said as he walked into the kitchen. “Shouldn’t we be smelling turkey soon?”

               “We’re having roasted pheasant,” Meredith said in a deflated voice. “And fish and lobster. That’s what was available then.”

               “Okay…but it’s not 1620. Are you getting us ready for one of those historical reenactment shows you like to watch on PBS?” Anthony asked.

               “So no turkey?” Pete said with a concerned glance. “Or ham?”

               Matt tried reasoning with her. “Baby! Don’t make this harder on yourself ok? Please? Let’s just enjoy the day.” He pointed toward their teenage son and gave Anthony a regrettable glance. “I mean, do it for the kids.”

               “Guys, could we just try it, please?” Meredith begged.

               The men relented and left her in peace to set up the extra chairs and tables outside.

                Chloe breezed in and discarded her helmet into a chair. She came a sudden stop on her skates and lifted the lid with a tiny hand. She shrieked.

               Meredith had been chopping vegetables and nearly sliced herself in the panic. She spun around.

 “Is this one dead?” Chloe said, wide-eyed with horror and watching the lobster bob in the boiling water. “’Cause he’s kinda looking at me.”

               Before Meredith could take the lid and move the girl away from the danger of boiling water, Chloe slammed it on the dead crustacean. “We have other things to eat,” Meredith said. “Lots of things you will like.”

               “Does it have a face? If it has a face or it ever had a mommy, I cannot eat it.”

               Meredith took a deep breath. “Ok, honey. Why don’t you take your skates off and get cleaned up before everyone gets here?”

               Chloe skated to the back stairs then clomped up them.

               “Great!” Meredith sighed and turned her gaze upward. “It’s not even noon and our five year old is a vegan and everyone hates the food they won’t even try.”

She cut the carrots so loudly she didn’t hear Andrea walk in and set the Tupperware down. “Yep those carrots really had it comin’.”

Meredith chuckled and shook her head.

“Do you want me to do anything while you shower and change. Because I am totally here.”

“I look that bad?”

Andrea laughed and took the knife. “Hey, you know that I am Team Meredith all the way, right?”

“I did get the hashtag embossed shirt that you made for the bridal shower, yeah,” Meredith said taking a drink of some cider.

“My point is that you’ve gotta relax and not put so much pressure on yourself. It’s gonna be fine.”

“You’re not newly married with kids. You don’t understand.”

“I swear I will pull the pumpkin pie out of the fireplace hearth or whatever colonial theme thing you want me to do if you will just relax and shower, ok? You will feel so much better. And I do get why this means so much to you. But you know you are family and we’re family even…”

“Oh, no!” Meredith grabbed an oven mitt and raced to the fireplace. She pulled out the pumpkin pie and set on the pie on a pad. “It’s a little brown but not bad.” She sighed with relief and found her sister-in-law staring at her.

“Seriously, what did you put in the old school cider and how much have you had?”

“Um, just keep an eye on everything. In about ten minutes, take the pumpkin soup out of the cauldron in the living room fireplace and pour it back into the pumpkin shell. Ask Meggie to set the table when she gets here. She’s really good at that. I left pictures of how it’s supposed to look.”

“You’re worse than mom now. You know that right?” Andrea remarked as if she had to do something to snap Meredith out of it.

The image of Nora Jean sent Meredith into a cold panic. “The Queen of Holiday is coming here,” she muttered. “The Queen! She wrote the flippin’ book! Oh my word she’s coming in three hours.”

“Relax!” Andrea ordered. “She loves you.”

Meredith nodded and grabbed the bottle of the cider she wished she’d spiked. She checked her watch and retreated to the master bath for a bubble bath. Maybe she could get a nap in before everyone came. She sighed and closed her eyes after settling in to the bubbles. A little while later the placebo of peace slipped away as she made it downstairs. If the flashing emergency lights didn’t snatch it away, the ensuing chaos would.

Her brother Bennett and his kids arrived.

"Come see! I hope there’s blood and guts!” her nephew Jacob said as he and Chloe rushed outside.

Frank, the friendly EMT was very reassuring as they reached the back yard. “It’s really not so bad,” he said, nodding to a stretcher. “Mrs. Garland was a little tipsy and collided with your kids.”

“I just wanted to take Lucky for a walk,” Kyle explained. “Then I thought he’d want to ride on the skateboard.”

“Dude, you took out an old lady!” Anthony told his eleven year old brother.

“No she backed into us on her motorized scooter and fell out somehow.”

Matt was holding Mrs. Garland’s hand. Meredith joined him. “Honey, I always knew that brood would wind up in juvie. You’re a saint to take that on. No wonder you handle it so well! Gimme more of that moonshine cider recipe!”

“My kids are great kids and it’s non-alcoholic!” Meredith had meant to say something kind to the old bat but she was always grouchy and unkind to the children.

“You’re not the only house to deal with her. It’s probably her meds,” Frank said. “Last year, the Petersons around the corner gave her rum cake. Big mistake. Happy Thanksgiving.” He helped Mrs. Garland in the ambulance and hopped in the drivers side. The ambulance left the neighborhood quietly.

She didn’t bleed at all, Jacob said with disappointment as Andrea directed him to the house.

“My mom is running late but she should be here in a bit,” Matt said.

               Meredith and the family brought the food out. Just as her dad set the turkey in its prized slot, Meredith heard the rumbling thunder. “No. No no no. Please just wait until she sees the table,” Meredith begged the rain.

               The rain didn’t listen. The flash downpour turned the turkey into a soup, the green bean casserole into a mini swamp and spared matt the hell of the stuffing. The crab rose to the top of the pot, becoming something for Jacob to play with. He took great delight in chasing Chloe across the yard, then they slipped in the muddy grass.

“Ew! Its eyes fell off!” Chloe shrieked.

The fun and games ended when Jacob got a finger stuck in one of the claws. With a yell and cry, he yanked it off of his hand and tossed it over a fence.

               Meredith stood in a dismayed shock while the nightmare played out around her. She did not hear Nora Jean pull up in her shiny BMW nor did she immediately realize that the Queen of the Holidays was standing next to her taking in the horror.

               The sound of raucous laughter shook her reverie. It took her a second to realize that it came from her. “Oh, what the heck. Who wants pizza? Eggplant is the tofu of vegetables and I don’t know if I can tell you what’s under the Velveeta. I’m sure the government considers that classified.”

               “Me, yes!” Chloe said.

               “At least the pie is inside,” Anthony said.

               “Well, somebody likes it,” Matt remarked with a chuckle. Lucky the St. Bernard took a huge bite out of the turkey leg and helped himself to the stuffing.

               “I’m so proud of you,” Nora Jean said when they stood on the porch alone. “The first Thanksgiving I was married, I set the turkey on fire and blew up my mother-in-law’s oven. And even before that, I knew she hated me. I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed in embarrassment. You just roll with the punches.”

               Meredith walked in, dialed the only pizza place open and told the family to dig into the pie. the family scattered to dry off. When she pulled a towel off the counter to put it in the hamper, something fell facedown on the floor. She’d set the pregnancy test aside so she and matt could see the results she wasn’t ready to know yet.

               Matt knelt beside her and took the box. “You’ve got this mom thing, you know that right?”

               “Yeah because our kids were shining credits to our style today.”

               “They’re happy, well-adjusted kids and you’re a big part of that. I’m serious. I am so glad we found you."

               “Me too,” Meredith said. She shut her eyes. “I know it sounds crazy but don’t tell me yet.”

               Later, as they passed the pizza boxes, Anthony surprised everyone. “Are we going to do that thing where we tell what we’re grateful for?”

               “Sure,” Matt said. “You want to start?”

               “Yeah. I’m thankful for my family this year. All of you. I am especially thankful for my mom.” He looked at Meredith. “Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. You’re the best. You made this family.”

               Meredith nearly cried. None of the kids had called her Mom. She’d wondered when they were finally going to feel like family and hoped the holidays would help. 

               “Yeah. We love you, Mom,” Kyle said.

               “I love you, Mommy,” Chloe said, hopping into her lap.

               “Told you,” Matt whispered.

               “Mom, now that thanksgiving is almost over, I’m ready to put up Christmas decorations and make my list for Santa,” Chloe announced. “I want a baby sister, a bike, a cat…”

               “Thanksgiving isn’t over,” Meredith’s dad said.

               “No it’s not,” Meredith said with a laugh and a full heart. She and Matt exchanged glances. “But who knows? Maybe Santa can help with at least one or two of those things.”

             A year later, Autumn celebrated her first thanksgiving in the blended family by eating homemade applesauce while everyone else ate burgers.

               “The one thing my mother couldn’t do,” Matt said shaking his head. “I knew we shouldn’t have attempted the deep fryer.”

               “I didn’t know a turkey could go that sky high,” Meredith remarked dryly. She looked at the scorched grass and the remains of the fryer covered with fire extinguisher fluid. “Well at least there wasn’t a huge fire and dad got it out quick.”

               “Where’d the thing even go?”

               A gust of wind kicked up. They heard a crack of a branch followed by an anguished cry.

Having been cold-cocked by a 22 pound turkey, Mrs. Garland was surprisingly conscious. “You’d think you people would learn after last year. For heaven’s sake, just stop trying to do Thanksgiving!”

Meredith sighed. “At least we have an EMT in the family.”

“I’ve got you, Mrs. Garland,” Frank said as he began to assess her.

“Thank God,” Mrs. Garland moaned.

We’ll never stop Thanksgiving, Meredith thought. Badly as she felt for her neighbor and Mrs. Garland’s accident aside, there was too much to appreciate.

“Hey, why don’t we do a family vacation to Virginia, at that colonial colony they have set up?” Nora Jean suggested.

But we can make new memories and new traditions. “Sounds good,” Meredith said, turning back to her family. 

November 25, 2020 06:38

You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.

3 comments

Lisandra Bergey
16:03 Dec 06, 2020

Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it.

Reply

Show 0 replies
David Devine
04:41 Dec 03, 2020

Being a self-proclaimed Foodie and member of a blended family, I enjoyed your story.

Reply

Show 0 replies
Colin Devonshire
03:24 Dec 03, 2020

Great read. I know why I don't attempt cooking!

Reply

Show 0 replies

Bring your short stories to life

Fuse character, story, and conflict with tools in the Reedsy Book Editor. 100% free.