“Grow Up” he snarls through gritted teeth. Oh how these words rile her. She has no idea why but they never fail to get her back up. She leaps into attack mode the instant they are spoken, every single time, as if she feels threatened by them or under fire.
“Not a cat in Hells chance” she replies scowling at him in annoyance “I have no intention of ever growing up” Thinking to herself she aims to stay young at heart and fun for the rest of her days no matter how old she gets. But is that truly why she refuses to grow up or deep down is it her fear of growing old and dying that drives this inner child or what he calls her childishness.
Punching the wall, making her jump in the process, he storms off muttering under his breath “I didn’t sign up for this!”
Both stubborn mules neither one wants to back down, so this is like a daily ritual of battering heads together like stags fighting, locking their horns together.
Unable to stop herself, controlled by the anger volcano bubbling up inside of her, she follows closely behind him nipping at his heels up the stairs. “You think I want this hmmm? You, shouting at me every day, barking orders! I’m not your waitress I’m not here to serve you!”
Spinning thunderously around face of fire thick with the reddest of flames “you thrive on this; you want me shouting so you can go tell your friends all about it and get the sympathy vote!” Not even pausing for a breath he continues his rant “I’ll tell you now their sympathy will not sustain you it will soon wear off, their attention will move on and you’ll be left alone.” Flipping back around off he stomps again in to their bedroom, keen to have the last word. Shrieking “argh” at the top of her lungs, she slams the door and flounces back downstairs calling him all the names under the sun on her way back down.
God knows what the neighbors think of this daily show of door banging and raised voices. The atmosphere in the house is unpleasant and exhausting to deal with on a daily basis. She knows this is not sustainable. Something's got to give.
Nobody wins in this scenario, neither party get what they need. `Surely this relationship is a toxic one so why do I stay?’ she questions herself not prepared for the answer which arises, totally taking her by surprise ‘Maybe there’s some truth in what he says and that’s why I get so defensive. Maybe I do like others to feel sorry for me and in some way that feeds a need in me.’
Thinking back she’d got together with him all those years ago because she had wanted to be with someone older. Her past partners had been younger than her had been very immature. But now she’d actually ended up with somebody older than their years, someone who’d matured all the fun out of themselves. Maybe she gets angry as she feels that she has grown over these past few years in her acts of self-discovery and is insulted by his inferring she hasn’t grown up, not grown as a person at all. Maybe she’s frustrated with him trying to make them old before their time.
`Is it her that’s the problem? Is it him? Or a bit of both at fault in this blame game?’ her mind goes into overdrive and she finds herself searching deep for the answers to all existence. `Why does life have to be filled with such questions that you doubt you know the answer and you never truly know if you’re on the right path. Is there a correct path or is the true way of life to make it up as you go along? Maybe we all feel like square pegs in round holes and nobody feels they truly belong? Some are clearly better at pretending they’ve got it all figured out is all.’ She thinks `some can maintain their masks out in public but nobody truly knows what goes on behind closed doors or inside others’ heads.’
She knows one thing for sure `` We’re all never prepared for what life brings no matter how much we plan ahead or try and shape our lives to fit us’. She thinks ‘deep down we’re all just scared little children no matter our age, all seeking assurance, kind looks, kind words, smiles off those around us to show we’re doing something right’. Every time she looks in the mirror the person looking back seems alien to her she truly believes everybody thinks the same whether they admit it or not. She imagines they all stand there looking in the mirror questioning `When did we change so much? Inside we still feel younger. Who wound the clock forward super-fast and morphed us into this adult-supposed grown up?’
`Life is a constant Drama show where she is at the moment but isn’t that what we’re all really doing acting out our respective roles on the big massive stage called life’ she contemplates. `The years creep up on us, as daily we’re consumed by the feeling that we’re going round and round on the same merry go round ride with no beginning and no end. But someone’s in the background pressing fast forward even if we’re not aware of it, like a stagehand in the shadows unseen. When we die it’s our final curtain call as the curtain descends for the last time. Those on the brink, that get brought back, get an encore, one last hurrah.’
She notices every day when she’s out and about on her travels how we’re all interconnected, it is a truly small world. `We’re all more alike than we care to mention, all stumbling along trying to find our feet like toddlers learning to walk’ she muses. But still in her eyes growing up is over-rated. `Who truly wants to grow up anyway?’ she asks rhetorically. `When you think about it life is a steep learning curve so we spend the whole of our life growing till it all ends and we can grow no more. Overall, Life is one big act of Growing Up’.
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