LOL

LOL

(Sound of heavy doors closing. Keys being turned from outside. Large wooden beams being pushed through metal holders.)

Hi. (Giggles) Did that scare you? Don't worry, you'll get out of here as soon as you have solved my riddle. (Giggles) Still scared? (Giggles) Don't fret. It's just me-

 April. -- I know, funny, right? (Giggles) I love pranks. You see, my parents are comedians, which is why they named me April. They met at a stand-up comedian thing at this very pub. (Pauses for applause---)

 Anyway, they were always naturally funny (flashback on parents playing pranks at each other with live audience laughter)

My Dad comes from a long line of Fools. No pun intended(giggles)

He actually is the last male family member from a long line of proud descendants of Fools. His name is--wait for it--: Augustus Fools. I know,-- right? So funny! (giggles.) That's how my Mum noticed him. He was announced as Augustus Fools, and since her name was Clementine Day she thought they would be a funny match. (Giggles)-- Get it???

So, when they married they'd be: Augustus and Clementine Fools Day. (giggles) Get it? Funny right? (giggles). I think she was already thinking about having me. They especially timed my conception so that I would be born today. I mean, not today, as in right now(giggles) but today way back when I was born: April 1st. I mean, come on, that's funny, right? April Fools Day, born on April 1st? I would have been a practical joke. Literally. (Giggles) There was just one problem: TIMING.

"We did everything within our power but you insisted on being born on April 2nd. Bad timing. From the very start." (Quote: Mum)

And if there is anything really important for a Comedian, it's TIMING. GOOD TIMING is essential.

 "You simply don't have it in you" my Mum would say every time I tried to make my parents laugh. And that in turn would give me a laughing fit. (giggles) I know, right? (giggles) Have you ever had one? I mean a real major fit, not just the giggles, but like a "laughing-out-loud-seizure"? I've had it all my life, which is kind of funny, I guess. I mean I can not make people laugh for the life of me, but I cannot stop laughing myself. It's a nerve thing. Other people break down crying and I laugh until I faint. (Giggles) Guess I've had it in me all along. Sorry, Mum(Giggles more) And you know what is funniest about this? It feels like crying. (giggles) It does. It is kind of scary. I remember when I first couldn't stop laughing. My face was contorted into a bizarre mask, tears spilt over my cheeks and I could hardly breathe. I hid in my room because I feared that I was going crazy.

Anyway, after that, I was seized by those fits frequently. Out of the blue. I would walk down the road on a sunny afternoon thinking "If I would have a laughing fit now I wouldn't have any reason whatsoever. " And then it would hit me. I would shake so hard with laughter that my knees would buckle and I could hardly walk. To not look too suspicious I would hide in a phonebox pretending to be on a call with someone hilarious on the other end. But back when we didn't all have mobile phones there would always be someone getting impatient with you when you took too long in that box. When I finally emerged in tears and still chuckling, people would start giggling themselves. It was only when they had to stay with me longer in a room that they started to get weirded out.

"You'll never get a job if you keep doing that." My Mum would tell me.

But then my Dad had a brilliant idea: "April would be the ideal spectator. You know, like those claqueurs?"

And that's what I became.

So, if you thought you were hilarious tonight because I was in tears from laughing, you might have been- but then again, my condition strikes out of nowhere, so, you know, --no guarantees. And laughing fits are contagious so, you know...

I have prepared for tonight. It took me a year to work it all out, for I wanted it to be unique and a bit twisted, just like me (giggles) I'll tell you one more thing about me, o.k.? The thing I long for most in the world is also the thing I dread the most. (Giggles) I mean I long for people to laugh about me, about my jokes, and at the same time, I dread that laughter will overwhelm me one day. That I won't be able to stop.

I don't want to die without ever having made people laugh. So, I thought out my final prank. If this doesn't work I'll stop trying to be funny altogether. And if I die trying tonight, I want to go with a smile on my face. You know, like that quote from Goethe's "Faust":

“When I say to the Moment flying;

'Linger a while -- thou art so fair!'

Then bind me in thy bonds undying,

And my final ruin I will bear!”

Did you enjoy your night so far, though? I took special care of tonight's menu. Do you feel a little woozy already? That's just the drugs you ingested. At midnight, precisely when we go over from April 1st to April 2nd the lethal effect of the drug will show.

 Hey, shhhshhh, hush now, don't panic, BE QUIET!!! All but one of us have a drug in our system that can easily be defied by a very easily accessible antidote. I will tell you in a minute what it is. One person however has been poisoned by a drug that will be activated by the very counterpoison that will set everybody else free.

Brilliant, right? (giggles) And here comes the clue:

Loud laughter will counteract with the drug we all have ingested tonight, BUT while the endorphin boost will save our lives, one of us, the one who has been given the other drug, will definitely die if he or she laughs. On the other hand, 99% of us in this room will die of the other drug if we refrain from laughing. 

Now choose. And don't forget: No matter what happens: at least we will go down laughing. Happy April Fool's day. Uhoh, almost midnight: decide quickly: 10,9,8,7,.......

(one person starts laughing then another and another until we hear a full room of people laugh hysterically, and if you listen closely you will also be able to make out somebody choke before hitting the ground.

April giggles)

-the end-