Jealousy never dies; I know that now.
Something inside of me still rages when I see him with her. I sit and watch them from the other side. I study them. Her beautiful face with plump full lips caresses his neck. They sit on our boat dock. She smiles, he smiles, clothes come off, Long red hair swirling around hardening nipples. I sit and watch; I stare at the perfect body that lies naked next to Larry. He penetrates her as he did me. I sit here and observe.
I don’t care who the redhead is. All I know is she is in bed I earned. She sits in my house and bathes in my tub. She lives with Larry now, and I am nothing more than jealous bones. No longer Delphi Smith; all that is left of my mortality are a few bad bones. When he removed my name from our quaint little mailbox, did he stop and think of me?
The last thing I remember in my 24-year life was being worried about hitting the black ice. The curve just before the bridge became invisibly icy from October to March. I was on my way to my doctor’s appointment to see about adjusting a little problem of mine. I knew I was pregnant, but a baby was the last thing I needed right now. Right now? I have been reliving my right now for eternity.
I repeatedly see them drag my Honda out of the lake. I always hear the police officer say, “She disappeared twenty years ago.”
I watch my last day unfold over and over again. My car submerged in the frigid mountain water. My lifeless body was captured within the Honda. Then sudden freedom. I’m floating above the car, watching closer and closer as the water was as murky as it was cold.
Oh God, My dog Molly was yelping and scratching with all her might; she severely gauged my face in all her panic. The blood from my injury felt warm, merging with the icy water. It wasn’t long before the stillness took hold.
God knows each of us has particular haecceity. Categories can’t constrain it. We are all destined for something, and most of us can’t figure that one out in our entire lifetime. It appears to me that my destiny is this jealous hell. It was my life, my baby, and my Larry.
I float above Larry Lancaster as he sleeps. It’s Larry and I and his red-headed woman. She sleeps in the nude.
We built our cabin in the most beautiful spot. I whisper to Larry in his dreams, “Come with me, my love, sleep with me amongst our lodge pole pines. Remember how we could get lost in the trees? Just you, me, and Molly for eternity. He wakes as I gently touch his slightly erect manhood. He turns towards my shadow but then mounts her—my heart breaks.
My dark mist slithers near the fire pit on the north shore. I picture myself in my green cowl sweater, seated between Larry’s Legs; he teases me, “Dang, don’t you know anything? The old timers named the lake Dragon Head because they saw the dragon-like beast that would capture and carry away any that dared to go into the water.”
I pushed my back into Larry’s young chest and playfully replied, “No, Sir, that’s not true!”
Then my beautiful fair blonde beach boy picked me up to pretend that he was going to throw me in. Instead, we kissed with incredible lust and made love in the sand. Afterward, as we lit our cigarettes off a shared match, naked and under a blanket, I asked, “Were you serious about the monster in the lake?
He replies, “Yes, I’m serious; I saw it myself. At first, I thought it was a downed Moose carcass floating in the water. It had Moose-like ears but spurt geysers of water from its nose. It must have been giant because when it dove under, it created a massive wave. Damn thing came 12 feet up on shore.”
I know now that Larry was correct; I wish I could tell him. The Ute people, my people, who lived upon this land generations ago, had seen strange creatures coming and going from the water. When they had a person go missing, they knew it was a water demon that took them. The black entities are 20 feet long and have no eyes, just a large mouth with gapping sharp teeth. They devoured my flesh, leaving my soured soul, which became this dark shadow to fend for itself.
The waxing Crescent Moon shining brightly through a break in the clouds in the night sky makes me visualize my dog, Molly, I see her swimming, panicked, and paddling as fast as she can, but she can not reach the surface of the water. Her long golden hair surrounds her as she lays in her water grave quietly. She looks like an angel.
Time passes, and I see there is a quiet lull, and I see from my underwater tomb, but now my Golden dog, Molly, shakes off on our boat dock. It is that red-headed woman and Larry that greet her. Molly seems so happy to see them that she never looks back at me. She is my dog, not theirs.
I was happy cleaning rooms and changing the bedding at the Maverick Hotel across from the ski area. But over time, I became vindictive and jealous of happy people on their ski vacations. I couldn't afford any of life’s luxuries washing dishes at the Fresco dinner . I found becoming a maid made life better. That is when I started fucking Larry Lancaster.
Larry Lancaster, the front desk clerk, I was smitten with him. I don’t think the feeling was mutual, as I found myself giving sexual favors in exchange for things stolen from the Hotel. A brand-new TV, a new mattress, and the luscious food trays were now my luxuries. In life, I lusted for these worldly things, and now in death, I can see them piled up as trash at the bottom of my water. It was there, near my unbegotten things, that I first saw the golden child.
When I awoke mystically, my consciousness saw a serpent eating my mortal body. I looked up and saw this beautiful golden child floating above the water. Molly, in ghost form, was with her. It was an angel I had once read about hovering just ahead of me; she had massive wings but did not speak as I saw no mouth. She looked at me with charming big blue eyes, wideset in a cervine style. Those eyes reminded me of Larry.
I’m sure the golden child that appears to me is my unborn baby. Larry and I had created that child; that’s why she resembles him. The same baby I would seek to abort found an icy grave with me within the lake, and nature is mourning her loss. For within her lay the generations of children that were never given their life. She is benevolent to Molly and will become my nemesis.
The sight of the angelic child coming out of the high mountain water made me think I was looking upon an antique painting craquelure that had occurred over time. There was a glow about the subject, yet my dark Lord had cast a hideous film over my eyes, making it hard to view her. With a face partially formed, her body was like a tiny skeleton grasping for straws that were not there. All around her arose more and more made of her likeness. These were the souls of the generations that might have been. They were the wee dead souls of the unborn, precious souls being cast back to heaven for another chance.
Molly’s spirit wanted to play with them as she barked and wagged her tail with familiarity. They swarmed around Molly, and she sat and patiently waited for the tiny beings to hug her. Molly had that look on her face that only a happy dog can get. It made me even more remorseful as Molly would have been the best of friends with my child.
The fissures in the canvas that would be their face had swallowed the details. As an undeveloped baby in the womb appears. The why and the how of the matter is relevant now. How is it that I loved the child but wanted to kill it? That makes no sense to me.
When I told Larry I was pregnant and wanted to get an abortion. His response showed no compassion for me; it was all about him and his baby, “Please, Delphi, I love you. I’ll stop messing around. I’ll grow up, stop drinking, and take responsibility. Please don’t kill my child.”
I tried to lay my head down, but storms overnight had blown the snow across the road so hard that it created patches of black ice underneath it.
On my last day, I was crying and holding the letter Larry had left on our nightstand before leaving for work that morning. Larry wrote me a letter begging me not to do it.
Delphi, please reconsider. I spoke with my Mom, and she said she would help us with our baby's expenses. You know, Initially, she tried to talk me out of having a relationship with you. And frankly, If you do such a thing, it is time to break up. I love you but no longer will if you do this.
His letter was written after our morning argument; after the coffee cup hit the wall. My words are indented in my soul, “I have to do It; I feel compelled. I borrowed money because I can’t afford this baby right now.”
I wonder if Larry ever found out that I really stole the money from him. For some reason, I was jealous of the baby. I felt Larry cared nothing about me, only for the child I carried inside. I died with his two crisp Benjamin Franklin’s in my pocket; blood money.
The golden child, our child, protects her Father from me now. She is the one that firmly holds my jealous bones and places dreams in my mind.
She makes me spend eternity dreaming of remorse. Thoughts filled with my days with Larry and that big beautiful dog. Molly came into my life last year after ski season. All the ski bums come up to Summit and Routt County for the season and set up homes complete with dogs and such. However, when they leave, they leave everything behind, including their pets. Dogs and Cats are generally taken to shelters or given away.
But not Molly. I found her one night rummaging through the trash in the back of the Hotel. Her previous owner must have just left this beautiful Golden Retriever to fend for herself. When I recount the experiences shared with my dog Molly, I see she was sent to me by God. She was my chance at becoming good and clean and upstanding. She connected Larry and me on our trip to Steamboat. We took her hiking and walked her up and down Main Street; we practiced being a family, and we practiced love.
Molly is why I said yes to moving in with fair-haired, blue-eyed Larry. The small apartment I shared with my brother and friends didn’t accept dogs, and trying to hide Molly was hard. She slept in my Honda during the summer, but when the cold nights started coming on. I decided to take Larry up on his offer. We were on-again, off-again lovers by then, but the cabin Larry owned had plenty of room for Molly to run and play. She loved watching all the boats launch onto the reservoir from our front window.
I was up for the hot sex we had while in Breckinridge. I felt loved and happy, if only for those three short days. I conceived the baby there; I am sure of it. It was a succession of into the pool, into bed to fuck our brains out, then out to eat, then back into bed, then walking Molly, then back into bed to lust some more. It lasted for our entire trip—no fishing, not even once.
My Mama and Papa would be turning in her graves to know what I was considering. In my last hours, I prayed for forgiveness from God almighty, but he denied me. As I counted and spoke my prayer of the rosary, the cross I wore as a necklace started to burn upon my neck. I had accepted the serpent to carry my soul; it was my choice.
The golden child stands now and forever across the water from me and speaks to my mind; I tried to hide my ears but to no avail, as the words were not audible. “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter”
What a fool I was to think I could show remorse now, as I never chose to give my precious child the gift of life, and for it, I shall dwell in hell forever.