With Love

From: Elijah_pro

To: x0Ava0x

Date: Sunday, March 9 – 10:43 AM

Subject: Weekend 

Dear Ava,

If I'm honest, I feel like I should tell you to not lie to your parents about visiting me for the weekend, but my desire to see you outweighs my conscience. Does this mean you're a bad influence on me? I think of that as a little funny, seeing as how I'm older than you and in fact, am the one who should be influencing you...nevertheless, I am happy you're coming out.

Speaking of coming out, remember my friend Ivan? Tall, lanky guy with short blonde hair? The one who always wore black skinny jeans with holes in the knees? You guys met at Junior's pool hall that one time... He came out! And what's more, he came out to me! I mean, literally to me. Ivan told me he loves me. I can't really think he loves me, though. Because, well, we've been friends for quite a few years (we went to school together) and I've never noticed anything. You'd think I'd notice that, right? 

I feel kind of bad, like maybe I lead him on? I mean, we were—are pretty close, thinking back, I remember the time I won that contest for a trip to the Philippines, and Ivan had been talking about wanting to check out Luzon Island. He wanted to see the lake inception. You were so mad at me for not taking you! I considered it, I really did, but I wanted to give Ivan the opportunity. It was on his bucket list! We ended up spending the entire week in swim shorts and sunburns, arms draped casually (or not so casually!?) around the others' neck. It was like the world paused and everything around us was all that there was. Does that sound weird? Do I sound like I led him on? 

So, I was thinking we could do a hike when you get here. It's also cool with me if you just want to have a low-key day hanging around. Just you and me. 

- Elijah

From: x0Ava0x

To: Elijah_pro

Date: Monday, March 10 – 2:43 AM

Subject: Re: Weekend

Elijah,

When will you come to realize that Ivan (which of course I remember!) is in love with you?! He has been for a long time. And everyone can tell. Besides, he came out to me before he came out to you. About you, I mean. 

It was mid-February, we were pulling apart old printers and other junk from his basement suite—just sitting in the back yard with a half empty bottle of raspberry vodka. God, I cannot drink that shit anymore. The thought of artificially flavoured potato liquor makes me want to vomit. I literally pissed my pants that day. Anyways, Ivan got a fucking sun burn in February (what’s with this guy? I feel like he has a sunburn every time either of us sees him…) His mottled red and white, bony shoulders were peeling and stark against his classic black muscle shirt. Really, though Elijah… Ivan?? Why Ivan? I know you like him, maybe even love him. And I know he’s sweet and quiet and emo (is that the right word??), but he’s Ivan! And he’s not me. 

“Ava… I think I’m in love with Elijah.” That’s Ivan. Sitting on the concrete steps in his backyard, black skinny jeans and a tucked in black muscle shirt (all he needs is a plaid button-up tied around his waist… I mean, how could you not just see this coming?!) He couldn’t help but wring his bony wrists together and sweat all over himself. I’m sure the vodka and abnormally hot midday February sun didn’t help, but still. He ain’t no me. No Ava Barbra Hodgkinson. Toned, long legs and curly brown highlighted hair rushing into the Grand Canyon of tanned cleavage, all bundled up in nothing but denim daisy dukes and a white tank top. Unless that isn’t your thing. Because in your last email there you sure are putting out the vibes for pasty, emo swimmer dudes. And in general, dudes. 

Maybe I’m just bitter about your not taking me to the Philippines. I bought a brand new bikini and everything! It has fucking sailor stripes on it, man! Sailor stripes, Elijah! Remember SALTS? Remember learning to sail and how we turned too sharp one time and took in the reservoir on your side of the boat? I don’t remember being afraid, but I sure as hell am now! We capsized that little boat and sent me flying out into the water. It was so cold and really not my favourite experience, but it was an experience with you, Elijah. You and your stupid brown curls that almost match mine. You and your big square-toothed smile that always seems apologetic. Maybe you’re just an apologetic guy. 

And I only need to lie to my parents because they’re homophobic. Even though you still like girls, too, they just don’t see that. I hate saying this, but maybe there was a better way for you to find out that you’re bi than to get caught kissing a boy in my backyard, eh?

A hike sounds nice. 

Love, 

Ava 

From: Elijah_pro

To: x0Ava0x

Date: Wednesday, March 11 – 3:30 PM

Subject: We talked about this…

Dear Ava,

Grand Canyon of tanned cleavage? Really? Hon, you know I love you, but you also know that I don’t love you like that. You’re practically my sister. I know what kind of underwear you wear. And leave Ivan alone! I honestly didn’t know you guys knew each other so well, I don’t remember the progression of you guys becoming friends. Maybe I was also drunk for most of it? 

Also, that’s really not cool to call your parents homophobic. You shouldn’t label people… and these are your parents we’re talking about! I’m sure they were just surprised is all. I’m sure they didn’t expect to find me and Jona from school making out in that lame bouncy castle your parents rented for your birthday. I didn’t expect it either. But there’s something about a variety of lips that makes kissing so much sweeter—like, girls have soft, fruit-flavoured lips that melt against mine so easily. But boys have a force behind each kiss. It just feels. Nice. Nice seems like the best word to describe this right now. I don’t know, I still have a lot to figure out. Like, I’m attracted to guys, but I don’t want to say that I’m into them. Because, maybe I’m not? I’ve never really done anything with them… I don’t even feel like I’d know how. 

Sorry to commandeer this email again with my boy troubles. Never thoughts I’d say that ever… I’m looking forward to seeing you, but maybe don’t lie to your parents about where you’ll be?

- Elijah