My First Sunrise

There was something familiar about sitting on the silky grass, hand in his, waiting for the sun to set, waiting for the colors to bleed out rainbow, into the cold night sky. The late night breeze felt like a biting kiss against my cheek as temperature started to drop, but it was worth it. I like to think that I am an official sunset watcher. This is because one: that's totally a thing and two: I love to watch sunsets. Every night I take a picture and I have an ongoing book of the sunsets that we have seen together, started the day Daniel and I met. Him and I, this wasn't our first sunset, but it might as well be our last.

Daniel and I meet on the fourth of July. We didn't know each other. We never saw each other prior to that moment, but when he came over to me, I felt as if I had known him for years. That night, we watched the fireworks together because we both came alone to watch them by the lakeside. We also came out early to get the best spots. Great minds think alike. That was our first sunset together and I was lucky enough to get a photo of it.

And then he texted me the next day asking me out to dinner, and since it was late summer, thus our second sunset was documented with another photograph. After that, we made a point to center our dates around sunsets. Quite romantic if I say so myself. And on days that I felt down or days we weren't together, we'd send each other photos of the sunsets. Every day.

We had fun together. For the past six months, we have gotten to know each other. It felt freeing to be with him. But I was distracted. My grades in school were dipping a bit and he wasn't doing ideal for his job interviews. However, he recently got a job acceptance someplace in Canada, but that's so far away from Indiana. Long distance is something I could never do. But he was okay with the fact of finding a job closer, and so he kept looking.

Daniel called me this morning, asking for coffee. Normally, we meet after noon because I'm a night owl, so mornings are not the best for me. I showed up about five minutes late because traffic was bad. I knew Daniel wouldn't mind, but when I walked in, he looked at me and his eyes painted a different picture. Once my coffee was made and I was seated only then did he tell me that he wanted to break up with me. I sat there, wordless, trying to paint in my head, an answer or, better yet, a reason.

It made no sense, but most things made no sense. One such example being the horizon problem. Now, in theory, the concept of the horizon problem is a simple thing to grasp, but the solution, well, there isn't one. The horizon problem deals with the speed of light and how it travels. If you were to look out and see the horizon, you'd be seeing light that we have created in the past, traveling out into the universe. But if you look at two different points across the horizon, you'd see that they're the same temperature, which cannot be. Thus, the horizon problem.

Some people say that it could be due to inflation or an exception to the speed of light, but both of those answers create more problems and issues than they solved. So just as the horizon problem seems impossible at all ends, this situation does as well.

"One last sunset? I think it is supposed to be a good one tonight," I whispered because if I said anything louder, I would start to burst into uncontrollable tears.

Daniel quipped a small smile and swallowed down a kind laugh. "Sure, if that is what you want."

I didn't think to ask him why because I didn't think I would want to know the answer. I didn't think to ask him for how long he wanted to break up with me for because I didn't think I would want to know that answer either. As I walked out of that coffee place, I came up with a thousand answer less questions that I only realized at home I didn't want answered.

I sat on my coach the rest of that day, unsure of whether to cry or scream so I sat there silently. Tears would stay perched on the rim of my eyelids, but I didn't blink them. I didn't allow them to run away. There might be more precious times to use my tears.

But later, I decided to doll myself up. And no, I didn't do it for him. I did it to commemorate this last sunset with him. When I got to our spot, on a grass hill in the middle of a field, he was already there with a cardboard box of my stuff.

"Here. I wanted to give these back to you before I leave." Daniel must have taken the job position out in Canada. Good for him then.

"Thank you," I say as I take the box and put it to the side. I realized that I'm not mad at him because I would have done the same. We're at different points in our lives and being with the other person would drag us down. He needs his job in Canada just as much as I need to focus on school. So, I'm not mad. We just need a proper end.

I squeeze his hand as the sun dipped below the ground, taking its warmth with it. The sky was a mix of colors, most dark and mourning of the sun's leaving.

A click of a camera.

A fading whistle of a breeze.

A "Goodbye."

And so, I went home. I could not get a wink of sleep so I made myself a deal: I would no longer watch anymore sunsets. Seems fair enough. I stepped out of my house into the front lawn which had a clear view of the sky. Bundled up in my biggest sweatshirt and white fluffy bunny slippers, I watched. It was beautiful, the effect that the sun gave as it moved across its canvas, painting its trail. I just stood there and watched as the oranges flooded the night sky, as the reds blended out the yellow, as warmth was given back to the sky. It was my first.

I wanted a change, so I promised to make myself into a morning person. Just because he took our sunsets, doesn't mean I can't give myself the sunrise.

(Listen to The Breach by Dustin Tebbutt for the last 7 paragraphs. It fits the mood. I hope you enjoy it!)