Where Are You

This is how it is, for a long time. This is my life now, I grow accustomed to judgment, snares, and loss. This life begins to seem almost natural to me. Often I am afraid of what the next chapter will be. 

Wendy asked me, "what happened to your spark Kim, you used to be so exuberant, full of energy?" 

I tell her, "it has been completely doused, put out, and stomped on.

My nasty divorce, crazy custody battle, and I lost seven jobs in three years, that is what happened to my SPARK!"

Wendy is just looking at me, not saying anything. And then she speaks. "You need to brush yourself off, pull up those bootstraps, and forge ahead."

Anger surges through me. "How can you say that! My son has autism, my car was repossessed, and as my son said, "the bad man shut our lights off." Pull the blanket over my head and don't come out is more like it!"

"This is not like you Kim." You have always been strong, where did that person go?"

"You don't understa, I lost everything, I have no means to support Dylan and me. I need to get another lawyer to advocate Dylan's school placement. I just don't see a way out of this mess."

"This too shall pass," Wendy says.

OMG, I wanted to slap her! "This is your big advice?!" "Thank you for lunch but I have to go."

Wendy looks at me with compassion and says, "Sit down Kim."

I plop down in the chair. "What."

"I have a gift for you," she says.

As she slides it across the table, I'm thinking, I need to be nicer, she is just trying to help. And then I want to explode! "What the hell Wendy!"  Its a book, How to Handle your Emotions, by Helen Hunt. 

I just stare at it thinking, I don't want to slap her, I want to punch her right in the face. Why are people not understanding what I'm going through? I can feel the tears dampening my cheeks. I just want to give up. I can not do this anymore.  

And then Wendy says, "Have you give all your troubles over to God?"

"What?" I say in a low tone. All the life is just slipping out of me. Exhaustion has taken over. All I want to do is go home and bury myself under the blankets.

Kim, "you always have had so much faith, where has it gone?'' She asked. 

"I don't know. I'm scared, too many hardships and attacks happening all at the same time. I can handle one thing at a time, but this is just too much for me."

 “What do you talk about all day? Are you taming your tongue or are you give a tongue lashing to everyone? Your words are defining who you are Kim.” 

“How am I supposed to do that! It's all I know. I'm under attack daily” Kim said.

“You like Charles Stanley, read his devotionals every morning and read one chapter in the book I’ve given you. write out your prays, and, every time you have a negative thought, write down two positives to replace it. You can do this Kim, you're stronger than you think.” She says.

Wendy picked up her keys and the bill, looked at me, and said, “No one can do this for you, only you can change your path. I love you, Kim. I’ll call you when I get back from New York.” I sat there and watched my friend walk out of the door. I sat for a few minutes thinking, she is right, I'm the only one that can change my path.

It has been a month since Wendy and I had our little talk. Things have not changed much even though I did all she advised me to do. It was October, I just come back from cleaning my neighbor's horses stalls. Five stalls at $10.00 a stall, at least I could buy some groceries. I went home to take a shower before heading to my waitress job where I might make $30.00. When I arrived home I stood in the kitchen with disbelief, the electricity was out again.  

“$538.92 is what is need to turn your power back on ma’am. Said the operator at Bell Electric.

Kim asked, “is there a way I can divide it up in two payments?” 

“No ma’am, the full amount is due to have the power turned back on.” She said?

There was only one thing to do, God, I hated making these phone calls, it seems like I'm always asking for help. If it were just me, Kim thinks, I would sit in the dark till I could pay the bill, but, she knew she couldn't there was Dylan to think about.  So, I make the calls, one to my sister in Florida and one to my sister in Massachusetts. They are both so kind with their words and without hesitation, they each take half the bill and pay it. By 10:00 that night the power is turned back on.

Kim continued to read her devotionals every morning and started writing my prayers in a journal. Changing my negative thoughts to two positives only happened once every fifth negative. Not much had changed.

It's only a month into the school year. Dylan is in first grade and I receive a call from Ms. Ball, from the administration office. She asked that I meet her at the elementary school were Dylan attended. I knew this was not going to be good.

As Kim sat in the waiting area of the school, I was thinking of the diagnosis from MCV Hospital. Autism. Why didn’t I see this, she thought. Family members and friends would say, "there was something going on with Dylan." Denial, that's why. I felt they all were just looking for something to be wrong because I adopted Dylan. I would say, “he just has a curries active mind, he is intelligent and active, leave him alone.” 

“Hello I’ll be just a minute and then we will head down to Jacobs classroom.” Ms. Ball says.

“O.K., take your time,” I say. As I watch her head for the principles office.

Mrs. Ball, Mrs. Banks, the principal, and Mrs. Wheeler all come out of the office. Oh, this can not be good, I'm thinking. 

“Let's head down to the classroom Mrs. Dubeau.” Ms. Ball says.

As we walk into the classroom, I see Dylan cleaning up sand from a toy he brought in. The goal was to have Dylan play with the other kids so he would learn social skills.  Well, this didn’t go well, I thought. Dylan continued to clean up the mess he made and I sat with the administration team and Dylan’s teacher. It was clear, they had enough.  

“It is not fair to the other students to loss academic time when Dylan has these episodes.” We have offered an alternative school that handles as risk kids. Its time you consider this option Mrs. Dubeau.”  Mrs. Banks says.

I can feel myself getting anxious. “You have not even changed his IEP to Autism, I said to Ms. Ball. I want my son to go to a school that has ABA, (Applied Behavioral Analyst). We can go around and around with this, however, I will not change my mind!”

“We don’t believe Dylan has Autism”. Mrs. Banks says.

“Oh, so you know better than the ten doctors and therapist I meet with at MCV!” I say to Mrs. Banks. 

“No response Mrs. Banks, “I didn’t think so!” 

 When you are ready to work with me, give me a call, if I do not hear from you within the next five days, I will address the school board.” I then called to Dylan, he and I walked out, hand in hand.

My stomach was turning, my hand's sweaty, and my mouth felt like I was sucking on a cotton ball as I addressed the school board.  “I am here to talk about a new placement for my son Dylan. You are all aware of the difficult time he is having in the mainstream school setting. I would like to request placement at either, Faison School for Autism or St. Joseph Villa.”

The response I received was not what I expected.

“We want to do all we can for Dylan, the schools you mentioned are no option at this time. However, Mrs. Dubeau, we would like you to consider therapeutic foster care.” Mr. Henry said.

Mr. Henry was still talking, however, I did not hear a word he said. All I could think of was I'm about to lose my son. I left the meeting, my head still spinning at what was said.

“When I arrived home I laid on my bed crying, crying out, Why have you abandon me, I can do this alone! Where are you!”

“I'm right here,” the voice said as clear as though he was standing next to me.  

I jumped out of my bed, looked around, no one was there. I thought it was God, he hears me. I lay back down and cried myself to sleep.  

The next morning I woke up still very anxious and worried but a little calmer. “I looked up and said, God, please, you need to step up and take over. I can’t do it anymore.”  

I drive Dylan to school, begged him to be a good boy, kissed him and told him I loved him. When I arrived at work, Kevin the cook said, “Rough night?”  

“Do I look that bad?”  

“Yep, like someone dragged you across a picket fence. Is Dylan O.K?

I start crying. “No, he’s having behavior issues at school. I meet with the school board and they want me to send him to a therapeutic foster home. They don’t want to pay for ABA placement.” I tell him.

“My mom works for a law firm in Richmond. Education is all they work on. I'll give you their number later, I know they can help you.” Kevin said.

“I don’t have the money for a lawyer.”  

“Just call them, sometimes, you can get free advice,” he says.

When I arrived home that afternoon, I thought, what do I have to lose. I picked up the phone and called the number. I was transferred to Attorney Hurd. After explaining the situation. He asked me.

“Why is he not at Faison School for Autism?”

“The school board implied he would benefit more from therapeutic foster care. I know they just don’t want to pay for Faison. They don’t want to open that door for other kids either.” I said.

“I will get back with you in a couple of days.” Mr. Hurd said.

I hung up the phone not knowing what to expect. However, was very surprised when Mr. Clark from Faison School for Autism called to set up an in-home meeting. The first step for Dylan's acceptance to the school. I was so excited, I could not believe this was really happening. I called everyone telling them, Dylan is going to Faison!!!  

The next day I realized I had not heard from Mr. Hurd. I called him to thank him

“Mr. Hurd, I don’t know how to thank you,” I said.

We chatted for a few minutes before we hung up, I asked him.  

“How much do I owe you Mr. Hurd?”

“Nothing, this one on me.” He said.

“OMG, Thank you, Thank you so much!”

Finally, the day had come to have lunch with Wendy. We met at Oaks Landing Pub. I was already seated and waiting for her to arrive. Giddy and full of excitement, I waved to her as she walked in. I jumped up and gave her a hug. “I'm so glad your back!” I said.

“Well, this is a nice change. What have I missed?” She says.

“First, how was your trip?” I asked.

“Oh, the same as always, work, work, work. These trips are exhausting, I’m glad to be home. Now do tell, whats happen, you look like your ready to explode with good news. How’s Dylan?”

OMG, I don’t know where to begin. I proceeded to tell her of all the wonderful things that have happened. “You know my car was repossessed, well, I received an early Christmas gift from Mr. And Mrs. Beale, she told me she has watched me struggle and wanted to give me their Buick Park Ave., she said I should get a few good years out of it.”  

“Can you believe it, Wendy, she gave me a car!!” I said.

“That is amazing Kim,” Wendy said.

“Wait, there’s more! A couple a days after you left, I received a call from a church member asking me to stop by their home. When I arrived she proceeded to tell me that one of the families in the congregation wanted to help me. They also, seen me struggling. She handed me a check for One Thousand Dollars. She said, the family wanted to be anonymous, so she could not tell me who it was.” With tears in my eyes, I told her, Please, tell them, thank you!

After I told Wendy what happen with the attorney, she sat there with a smile on her face and said.

“I told you God is the Answer.”