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Funny

Michael woke up and stretched his arms above his head. “Happy birthday to me.  Happy birthday to me.  Happy birthday dear me.  Happy birthday to me.” He sang to himself with a smile.  “Today will be a good day.”

He placed one foot on the soft rug next to his bed.  As he stood, he lost his balance.  He caught himself on the corner of the bedside table.  “That was a close one,” Micheal said to himself.

Michael entered the tiled bathroom.  He did his business.  He brushed his teeth, gagging on the mint toothpaste.  He applied shaving cream to his face and ran the orange disposable raiser down his cheek.  “Ouch.” He nicked himself.  “Ouch.”  He said again.  He had nicked himself a second time.  “Nothing a little toilet paper can’t fix.”  He said applying a fifth piece of toilet paper to his face to soak up the blood from the fifth nick.  

He smiled at himself in the mirror and pointed at himself with both hands.  One in front of the other, “now that’s a handsome fellow.”

He changed from his pajamas into black slacks, a blue button-up shirt and a blue tie.  He pulled on his socks and collected one of his shoes.  “Now, where is your mate?” He said to the shoe. He searched all around the house.  When he couldn’t find the mate, he settled on a pair of old worn-out shoes that never fit quite right.  “I haven’t worn these suckers for years.” Michael said admiring his footwear. 

Michael stopped in the kitchen and he took a mug from the cupboard and filled it with coffee.  He added cream and sugar and took a big gulp.  Too big.  A splash landed on his tie. “Oh shucks.  I wasn’t sure about this tie, anyway.” 

Michael went back to his bedroom to change his tie.  Before grabbing his work bag, he sprinkled fish food in Mr. Bubble’s tank.  “Have a great day, little guy.”  The fish blew bubbles back. 

Michael walked out the front door and out to his driveway, where his car sat.  He paused.  One of his tires was flat.  “That’s fine.  I should walk and get some exercise, anyway.  This belly won’t lose itself.” He said, patting his stomach. He changed direction and walked down the sidewalk.

After a mile, Michael exclaimed to himself, “only two more miles to go.” His forehead was sweaty and his feet hurt from the ill-fitted shoes.  But Michael powered through for the next two miles.

When he got to work, Michael stopped into the bathroom to remove the toilet paper from his face.  “See!  No big deal.” He said to himself and then added, “today is going to be a great day.”

Michael found his desk and powered up his laptop.  

“Michaaeel,” a loud grumble came from the corner of the large cubical’d room.

Michael stood up and looked around the large cubical’d room.  It was Mr. Wilson.  Michael walked to the corner of the large cubical’d room where Mr. Wilson stood, coffee cup in hand.

“Good morning, Mr. Wilson,” Michael beamed up at Mr. Wilson.

Mr. Wilson ignored Michael’s greeting.  “Why don’t you step into my office.”

“Why certainly!” Michael followed Mr. Wilson and sat on the chair on the opposite side of the desk.  The guest side.  Mr. Wilson stayed standing for a minute.  He closed the office door and took his seat across from Michael.

 “Did you call me in here to wish me a happy birthday?” Michael asked.

“It’s your birthday?” Mr. Wilson asked.

“Yes,” Michael beamed and added, “and it’s going to be a great day.”

“Well I am sorry to have to tell you this on your birthday,” Mr. Wilson furrowed his brow.  “But we need to let you go.  Your performance…”

“Let me go?” Michael asked.

“Yes.” Mr. Wilson paused.  Michael looked confused.  “You don’t work here anymore.  Your performance…”

“Okay,” Michael said with a smile.

“Okay?” Mr. Wilson asked. 

“Yes, if this is not a good fit then I should not continue to work here anymore.” Michael said.

“Well,” in all his years of hiring and firing, Mr. Wilson had never heard this response before.  “Okay then.”

Michael stood on the sidewalk outside of the tall building at which he once worked. 

“What should I do now?  The world is my oyster.” Michael said to himself. “I guess I should go home.” He held his empty work bag in one hand.  He looked down at his feet. They hurt.

Michael took a step off the sidewalk in order to cross the street.  A car rushed by nearly hitting him.  Micheal looked at his feet and bent his legs one at a time so that he could examine his heels.  Blood pooled at his ankles.  

“Perhaps, I should treat myself to a taxi cab ride,” Michael smiled.

At the front of his small house, he paid the cab driver with a twenty dollar bill and then waved goodbye.  The cab driver didn’t wave back.  Michael turned back to face his house.  The front door was ajar.  As he stepped inside, he could see that someone had entered his home and ransacked every room.  

As Michael examined what was missing he noticed the television from the living room was gone as well as the cuff links his grandmother gave him on her deathbed.

“Whoever did this must have needed the television and cuff links more than I did,” he said to himself and shrugged. 

Michael glanced at the fish tank in the corner of the living room, he could see Mr. Bubbles lifeless body floating at the top of the water.

“I will miss you Mr. Bubbles.  But you had a noble life.” Michael said to himself.

Michael took a deep breath and sat straight down on the sofa.  His birthday did not go as well as he had hoped.  It appeared the world had a different plan for him.  But tomorrow was another day.  And tomorrow would be much better than today.

March 05, 2023 01:09

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2 comments

Viga Boland
16:33 Mar 08, 2023

Now that’s what I call a positive attitude i.e. always look at the bright side. Excellent! Michael is unique. Love this character.

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Madeline Honig
22:18 Mar 08, 2023

Thank you for the kind words. I have a tendency to write about a lot of dark things. Michael was a great change of pace. Thanks again!

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